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TOPIC: Dealing with a hostile ex partner

Dealing with a hostile ex partner 8 months 2 weeks ago #38300

  • Simon7580
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Afternoon All,

In my previous thread I had mentioned the goings on in my attempt to get contact established with my son; which proved to be successful in the first instance - 2 supervised sessions a month at ex's house - with a cafcass s7 report subsequently ordered by the judge.

The first contact session went great. I had a great time with my son, the ex's dad and his wife were pleasant to me and welcoming. The dad even shook my hand, told me he was glad contact had been set up, and that there were no problems between him and I. (Bear in mind his daughter is accusing me of DV - and he shook my hand?!?)

I also took up presents on that day, and on the following day received a thank you message via facebook from my ex that also enquired how my family were too.

Maybe naively on my part I assumed that things would perhaps get better from here on in, in terms of relations with my ex, but after a couple of recent exhanges between her and I, I feel I have got it way wrong.

Sunday just gone I sent her a message to ask her how she and our son were. She replied politely and then again asked how my family were. I thought, ok perhaps we are moving in the right direction. Then I replied and basically said, despite the situation we are in, no hard feelings, and enjoy the rest of your weekend. Well that seemed to flip a switch, and I received a tirade back about how I had apparently made her out to be a liar when I had my cafcass interview. For the record, I never suggested she was a liar, I just answered the cafcass reporters questions honestly.

She then went on to say that she would protect her (not our) son with every breath and bone in her body from me, and that she is only being civil with me because she has no other choice. She made it quite clear that she does not like me either. I found the message very hostile and its tone and content really unwarranted.

The following day, she messaged me to tell me that she was keeping our sons surname the same as mine, but was having him christened in the new year. I replied to her and said that I don't really feel comfortable with having our son christened; for various reasons...most of which involve my ex wanting material gain, and satisfying her unfounded superstitions. But that is by the by here. The reason I mention it is because when I said to her that we should both have equal input to matters regarding our son's religious designation, it seemed to enrage her again, and she launched another attack on me.

According to her, I never cared about our son, and wasn't bothered with him. She then repeated a load of allegations she had made. I responded calmly and asked her to save her allegations for the court if she so wished, and that we should focus on the matter at hand.

Her reply...."Trust me, they will be made in court!"

To me, the exchanges over the weekend suggest she has a real hatred for me, and is very hostile towards me. I can be polite to her and she will attack me with unfounded vile nonsense. And her final comment suggested that she is relishing going to court and dragging me through the process.

How is it best for me to alert cafcass and the judge to her hostile and agressive behaviour?

The deadline for the cafass S7 is feb 11th, and they have already been in touch with me to say they will be arranging a meeting soon. The second directions hearing is march 4th. So time is ticking on.

Should I just continue to converse with her on the basis of asking how my son is, and just document everything she says to me, hostile or otherwise?

I know that I have to remain child focused, and not seem to be aggressive or confrontational, but surely she can't get away with her behaviour, and the motives behind it. Someone needs to know....cafcass or the judge?

Any ideas?

Thanks.
A dedicated dad travelling the lonely road to secure the relationship with my son that we both deserve, while helping other lonely travellers along the way.
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Dealing with a hostile ex partner 8 months 2 weeks ago #38301

  • DaveR
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My advice is do not engage in any way with your ex, only to arrange or discuss your children.

Google "parallel parenting". There can be no real shared parenting with a hostile ex is my experience and understanding from reading up on this.

Regards christening, you have PR I assume so should have equal say but my concern is that unless you seek a prohibeted steps oreder via the court she will do it anyway.

Regards,

Dave
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Dealing with a hostile ex partner 8 months 2 weeks ago #38302

  • oldbutnewdad
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Keep your powder dry Simon,

Like Dave has said, do not engage in any of her rants. I was instructed this by my solicitors. And only had breif conversation with her last fri with solicitor SW present.

Now the only contact I have with her is thro SW and thro my parents in the future once the contact starts this friday.

Does a PSO stop thing like christenings Dave?

Pete
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Dealing with a hostile ex partner 8 months 2 weeks ago #38305

  • DaveR
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"Does a PSO stop thing like christenings Dave?" - My assumption is that it would as it could prevent a move of school however it would cost money and there would have to be good reason for a Judge to grant it I guess.

The question may be is the objection felt strongly enough to purssue a PSO.

Regards,

Dave
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Dealing with a hostile ex partner 8 months 2 weeks ago #38306

  • Simon7580
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Although this has gone slightly off topic, it's worth discussing.

The take home message for me in her written attack over the weekend was that my ex feels she can do as you please when it comes to making important decisions in our sons life without consulting me - including getting him christended.

In essence, because she does the day to day stuff for him and I don't (because she ran away I needn't remind her), I shouldn't have a say in whether he gets christened or not.

To be honest, christening in isolation is no big deal to me. The fact that my ex attempts to devalue me as a father and a human being is the more important issue.

Her reasons for wanting a christening are not right or just in my opinion for wanting to assign a religious identity to a 10 month old boy that has no ability to make his own decision on the matter. When my ex and I were together, she told me she was definitely having a christening for our son because she wanted to get lots of money and gifts. Purely selfish. Secondly, she told me she wants to protect him from evil spirtits/demons - purely superstitious/paranoid......

I could understand her wanting a christening if she was a practising christian herself, and her way of life included attending church regularly, and that she would want the same for our son. But the truth of the matter is she never goes to church, nor has any intention of doing it.

Would I want a PSO to stop her going ahead with a christening? Another £215 is a lot of money, and to be honest a major hassle in court time and travel. I'm going through a contact case at the moment.

She has said after I objected, that she would not get him christened, but it remains to be seen whether she goes behind my back and does it anway.

My court ordered contact sessions are every other sunday at this point. So if she does go behind my back, it will be interesting to see if she slips up and arranges it on a sunday where the contact session is to take place. Time will tell.
A dedicated dad travelling the lonely road to secure the relationship with my son that we both deserve, while helping other lonely travellers along the way.
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Dealing with a hostile ex partner 8 months 2 weeks ago #38330

  • actd
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I agree totally with DaveR, and has been said plenty of times before, and that's pick your battles wisely. At 10 months old, your son won't remember the christening, and it's of no consequence at all with regards his welfare. If you chose to fight it in court, I am reasonably sure that your ex will come up with some convincing arguments, and it will be very hard to counter those, so I can see a judge ruling that there is no harm in the christening going ahead - net result, you waste £215 and your ex feels she's won, plus in any future hearing, your ex will claim that you are going to court for trivial matters.

I think you have done as much with this as will achieve anything - you have made your objections known, and she has agreed not to go ahead - keep a note of these conversations in your diary (which you should be keeping) and if she comes back later on and says she went ahead anyway, that will not make her look good in court later on.
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Dealing with a hostile ex partner 8 months 2 weeks ago #38342

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If you are already going through the court process you can ask for a prohibited steps order at your next hearing, you do NOT have to pay a further £215, a judge can make any order at any time regarding anything if they so wish. Me and my partner have recently done this. Just let your solicitor know before the hearing so they can prepare or write a letter to the judge if you are self representing. Good luck.
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Dealing with a hostile ex partner 8 months 2 weeks ago #38346

  • Simon7580
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Ah that's interesting. I automatically presumed it would be another £215. To be honest though, and like others have said, stopping a christening is not a battle I want to fight.

The point I was trying to make in the previous post was more to do with getting my point across to the judge in future hearings just how hostile the ex is, and how she persists in denigrating me at every opportunity she gets. Anytime we have contact, be it me asking how our son is, she attacks me.

I don't feel it's right for her to be allowed to reiterate her accusations of domestic violence and abuse anytime we have contact - especially as I'm innocent. She has made the accusations to cafcass and to her solicitor - but still feels the need to throw them at me. I would suspect it's her trying to control me and the situation. But surely making defamatory comments about someone repeatedly is a form of abuse in itself??

If she came into my work place and shouted out those accusations in front of my colleagues and clients - that would possibly severely damage my reputation and integrity. I guess she can get away with it though on private facebook messages.

Nevertheless how do I get this across to the judge without seeming like I'm attacking her. Someone needs to know what she is like and how she behaves away from the eyes of cafcass, the judge and her solicitor.

At the moment I'm trying my best to remain child focused and not involved in any mudslinging. And I'm doing a good job of it. But I feel kind of like a doormat for the ex to walk over whenever she wants to shoot me down.

Any ideas?
A dedicated dad travelling the lonely road to secure the relationship with my son that we both deserve, while helping other lonely travellers along the way.
Last Edit: 8 months 2 weeks ago by Simon7580.
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Dealing with a hostile ex partner 8 months 1 week ago #38415

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The judge won't be interested unless it directly affects your son. If you try to raise it in court and the judge does nothing (or worse still, tells you he's not interested), then your ex knows she can continue, and that she knows how to get at you. If, on the other hand, you appear to be unaffected by anything she says, then it will make you look the better man and it will actually hurt her far more than a judge giving her a ticking off (which she'd ignore). Doesn't mean I don't appreciate how you feel, it's just making the best of a bad lot.
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