The birth: a midwife writes

It’s easy to feel like a spare part whilst your partner’s in labour, but just being in the delivery suite can give her a huge lift. Forget the midwives and doctors, you’re the one she needs, and your emotional support is invaluable.

Caroline Flint is a former President of the Royal College of Midwives and now Director of The Birth Centre (www.birthcentre.com). Dad.info caught up with her to find out what she thinks fathers-in-waiting should be doing during labour.

I needed my partner

I have given birth to three children. Each time I was in labour I really couldn't have managed without my partner. I needed someone who cared for me more than anyone else in the world; someone who would protect me. I needed someone I could be horrible to when I was in pain, but who would still be there for me tomorrow.

And I wanted him to hold me and be as passionately interested in the baby as I was.

Although it's great if you really know how to support your partner during labour, simply being around - having your smell and voice there - is so important. And it helps if you're supportive and say encouraging words.

• What do I do when she goes into labour?

A long journey

Remember, labour is like climbing Everest or running a marathon. It is difficult because it is so long and painful, and you don't know when it will stop.

Like the midwife you are there to accompany your partner through a long and probably tedious journey, so don’t forget to encourage her through it.

One of the most important things you can do for her is to help her relax - this is crucial to the mechanics of birth, and one of the ways her body will deal with the pain. Caroline Flint

Get your partner as upright as possible, and keep her moving. Walk with her to the shop or the lavatory. It should reduce the need for pain relief. A lot of men love epidurals because they get so distressed seeing their partner in pain.

However, remember that epidurals slow labour down, raise the woman's core temperature, may affect the baby and, ultimately, make a Caesarean section more likely.

• Problems at the birth: what's common?

So what other advice can I share?

• Remember to bring sweets and little snacks for both of you.
• For women, fruit juice is really important.
• Most hospitals are short of pillows, so bring a couple.
• Consider having someone else with you, maybe a mother, auntie or sister - preferably a woman who has given birth. The presence of a woman who has been through the experience often shortens the labour and can reduce complications.

After the birth?

• Take photographs (and be in at least one - your child will enjoy that when older).
• Ring everyone or get them on the phone so your partner can speak to them.
• Hold your baby, and talk to him/her.
• Pay your partner a lot of attention and make sure her needs are looked after.

Also, try very diplomatically to stay with her as long as you can. Sadly, some hospitals can still be brutal, sending dads home soon after the birth.

• Babys home: what's next?

Breastfeeding

When your partner gets home, to help her recover and to establish breastfeeding properly we recommend ten days resting with clothes that give easy access to the breast.

• Breastfeeding: how it works

Remember, if there is an older child, breastfeeding is about the only time your new baby can enjoy its mother's sole attention. But make sure you look after your other child. 

When the feed is over, take the baby from your partner so your older child can enjoy some mummy-time with her. The added benefit is that you get to have some baby-time in the process. Once breastfeeding is going well, mum can cuddle the other children while feeding.

Post-natal depression

Post-natal depression happens to a lot of women. It can be hard to distinguish from exhaustion, but if your partner is really irritable, finding it very difficult to cope and is slow, then it could be post-natal depression.

Fortunately, there are some good new treatments, some including anti-depressants, and group therapy helps, but it may be up to you to talk to the health visitor or get the doctor. Fresh air, light and exercise are all good, so get your partner out and about, walking briskly if possible.

And if your partner is getting depressed, make sure you look after yourself. The biggest cause of depression in a new dad is depression in their partner. Find a friend to talk to - it will help you cope. Above all, make sure the baby is being looked after.

• Post natal depression: mums
• Post natal depression: dads

Author

Caroline Flint is a former President of the Royal College of Midwives and now Director of The Birth Centre (www.birthcentre.com)

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