Being at the birth: the pros and cons

We used to be down at the pub waiting for a phone call, with cigar and stiff whiskey at the ready. Now it's all changed, and most dads attend the birth. Good idea? Bad idea? Dad Info rehearses the arguments for and against.

Things have really changed in the UK within a generation. It used to be unheard of for a father-to-be to be in the same room as his labouring partner, but the situation has been turned on its head. Around ninety per cent of dads are present at the birth of their baby these days. But is it a good idea?

Around ninety per cent of dads are present at the birth of their baby these days. But is it a good idea?

The Pros and Cons:

Pros:

• Your partner may want you to be there.
  In the past, people lived closer to their family, so it was easier for women to have their mums, sisters etc with them at the birth. This is often impossible these days, and for most women, their partner is the person they want to be with them through the experience.
  
• You can make the birth easier for her
  Women typically say that the mere presence of their partner with them during labour and birth was reassuring and made them feel safer. You don't have to know lots about labour and birth to make the experience better for her - just being there makes a difference. If you're able to give practical help, even better.
  
• You can represent her
  There may be times when your partner is not able to speak, or communicate what she wants to the midwife and other medical professionals. If you know the birth plan, you can let them know what she wants, and you'll also be available to get help if needed. If she doesn't speak good English, your presence may be essential for the medics to communicate with her.
  
• You can witness the birth of your child
  The birth of a child is miraculous... truly amazing. When it's your own, it's an amazing experience that you'll never forget.

Cons:

• You may not want to be there
  Some guys just have a gut feeling that they don't want to be at the birth. In some cultures, it's just not appropriate. If this is you, it's a good idea to talk it through with your partner and uncover the reasons why. It may be something practical that you can solve (e.g. "I won't know what to do" - you can find out what you can do at the birth).
  
• You can make the birth more difficult for her
  If you are bringing lots of anxiety and stress into the room, you'll make things harder for her. The last thing your partner needs is someone who is not focussed on her needs, and who is not calm and reassuring. If you are really stressed, interfering with the midwife, or trying to take over, you'll make the birth much harder for her. 
• You'll have to see all the mess
  There's a lot of mess at the birth - there will certainly be blood and amniotic fluid, and there may be urine and faeces too. There's debate over whether this might affect the sexual attraction you feel towards your partner, but there's no concrete evidence either way.

Should I be there?

This isn't a question that Dad Info can answer for you. It's something that you need to decide, between your partner and yourself. If you decide to be at the birth, the next step is to work out what kind of role you're going to play - whether you'll be an observer, just be there, or whether you'll get more involved in the practicalities and help the midwife help your partner. 

• Helping at the birth: what can you do?  

Author

Tom Beardshaw is a co-founder and the Publisher at Dad Info, creating the website and the things we print. He lives and works in Cardiff raising his son and supporting his other lad in South Africa.

Your thoughts?

What do you think? Being at the birth: a good idea or a bad one? Did you want to be at the birth but your partner didn't want you there? Did you not want to be there, but your partner insisted? Use the comments system below to discuss the issue.