Bullying – recognising and dealing with it

The thought that your child is being bullied is one of the most worrying aspects of being a dad, leaving you feeling powerless, frustrated and unable to help your child. This needn't be the case, however. Even though, by definition, bullying is something that happens to your child when you're not there, there are ways of spotting if your child may be being bullied, and positive steps you can take to bring it to an end.

Types of bullying

Bullying can take many different forms, the common thread being the perpetrators need to make the victim feel miserable. It doesn't have to mean a child being physically attacked or beaten.

• Physical : your child being hit, kicked pinched, any form of violence
• Verbal : name calling, sarcastic comments, cruel teasing
• Emotional :  often more subtle than the above but just as upsetting. Including ridicule, humiliation and exclusion i.e. sending a child to Coventry.
• CyberBullying : using modern digital communication to send hurtful or threatening messages. Cyberbullying may take place via the internet, on chat rooms or forums, or through text messaging.  
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Warning signs

Don't overreact
Your first, understandable, instinct will be to grab the bully by the scruff of the neck. The thought of you acting like this will terrify your child, so stay calm

A child who is being bullied may not wish to come to you and tell you about it. Perhaps the bully has warned them not to talk, or perhaps they're buying into the playground code of not telling tales.

You can do your best to combat this by creating an atmosphere in which your child knows they can come to you and get a sympathetic and understanding reaction to their worries, but even so, you may first realise your child is being bullied by spotting the warning signs:

• child is frightened of walking to and from school, perhaps changing their route or begging you to drive them in
• regularly complains of feeling ill in the mornings, starts missing school or suffers a decline in schoolwork
• broken or missing possessions
• a change in sleeping patterns, with trouble sleeping or perhaps bedwetting
• becoming withdrawn
• asks for money or perhaps even takes money (the bully may be stealing from them)
• becomes more agressive than usual, perhaps even bullying other children or younger siblings
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How to react

If you're worried that your child is being bullied then talk to them. They may be reluctant to admit that the bullying is taking place.

Reassure them that you will not react to hastily, that you'll stay calm and not do anything to escalate the situation, but that bullying, whatever form it takes, is wrong, is not something they have to put up with, and working together you can tackle it and stop it.

• Listen to their fears. Make sure they know it's not their fault and they're not alone.
• Don't put pressure on them to talk.
• Don't overreact. Your first, understandable, instinct will be to grab the bully by the scruff of the neck. The thought of you acting like this will terrify your child, so stay calm.
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Simple steps

Once you've established that bullying is taking place, there are positive steps you can take:

• if your child is being bullied at school then contact the school
• check that they have an anti-bullying policy in place. They are required by law to do so
• arrange a meeting with the head
• make notes of the times, places and circumstances of any bullying that has taken place
• if you are not satisfied with the schools response, then write a letter of complaint to the head of the school, the chair of governors and the Local Education Authority
• keep a record of all meetings and correspondence
• ensure that the school takes action, maintaining contact and pressure until you are satisfied

On a more general note, help your child to practice strategies for dealing with bullies, such as shouting "No!", walking or running away

meet with other parents to discuss the problem - they may be suffering similarly and a united front can make things easier to tackle

Self Defence Classes - Not merely teaching your child to fight back. self defence classes often boost a child's confidence, making bullying less likely 

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Cyberbullying

If your child is experiencing CyberBullying there are specific steps you can take:

• encourage your child to talk about their use of the internet, mobile phones, raising the topic of malicious calls/messages
• if the perpetrator attends your child's school inform the school - keeping a record of the calls and messages to show them
• change your child's mobile number
• most operators have a 'malicious calls' help desk: contact them
• if the bullying is internet based, make sure you're aware of when your child is online and what sites they're visiting. If need be check the Help section of the Internet Security settings on your PC  
• Teaching your kids to use computers 

Author

Steve Cochrane is a freelance journalist and scriptwriter who is married with three children, varying in age from 17 to eight. As well as writing he has worked as a full time househusband, unofficial family childminder and has spent many years trying to come up with a better word for househusband.

Your experiences?

Has your child been bullied? How did you know? What did you do about it? What worked and what didn't? Use the comments system below to share your experiences with other dads.