Violence in your relationship? What to do

Domestic violence is a serious issue and can have terrible consequences for yourself, your partner and your child. If you feel that there is a threat of violence, either by you or your partner, you should both seek help immediately. Dad Info provides sources of advice and support.

What is domestic violence?

The Government's definition of domestic violence is:
“Any incident of threatening behaviour, violence or abuse… between adults who are or have been intimate partners or family members, regardless of gender or sexuality.”

It often involves a pattern of aggressive behaviour from one partner towards another - but may also involve both partners.

The violence may be actual or threatened, occasional or frequent, and may include sexual and emotional abuse. It can begin at any time - in new relationships or after several years.

• Your relationship when you have a baby

Who is affected?

• Women - According to the Home Office, one in four British women will be affected by domestic violence at some stage during their lifetimes. British Crime Survey statistics suggest women are victims in 80 per cent of reported cases. At any one time, it's likely that one in ten women is experiencing violence or seriously threatening behaviour from a past or present sexual partner.
• Men - One in six men are victims of domestic violence during their lifetimes, according to the Home Office. About 20 per cent of reported cases involve men as victims. However, the Government says its statistics “are likely to significantly under-estimate the actual extent of domestic violence, particularly against young men”.
• Children - In families where there is violence between mother and father, it is also more likely that the children will be victims of violence – and whenever there is violence between partners, their children will be affected, even if they don't actually see the violence taking place.

How are victims affected?

The worst-case scenario is that someone is killed, permanently injured or, during a pregnancy, the baby is damaged, born too early or miscarries, or is of low birth weight and may die shortly after birth.

• Miscarriage

Even if the violence ends when they are born, children who experienced domestic violence when they were in the womb tend to have behavioural and emotional problems, and may find it difficult to learn.

As for children who witness violence or are elsewhere in the house when it takes place, they also tend to suffer emotional, behavioural and learning difficulties. The girls are more likely to partner with violent men, and the boys to become violent themselves.

What about the adult victims? In addition to the physical trauma, they usually experience a loss of self-confidence, which may prompt depression, neuroses and even suicide. This can also happen when the violence is mutual

What is the law?

It is a crime to use or threaten violence against another adult (parents are still allowed to threaten and hit their children, as long as they don't leave a mark!), unless acting in reasonable self-defence or defence of others.

Adult-to-adult violence that is unlawful includes punching, slapping, hitting, biting, pinching, kicking, pulling hair, pushing, burning, strangling, raping, throwing objects, throwing hot drinks.

Patterns of other abusive behaviour - such as routinely insulting a partner, stalking them, stopping them going out or keeping them short of money - can all be considered part of unlawful violence.

If you call the police because your partner is hurting or threatening you, the police have a duty to investigate. For the approach of the Crime Prosecution Service, download this information pack [PDF].

What if I’m a perpetrator?

Victims of violence aren't the only people that need help - those responsible are usually desperate to change.

If they’re men, they usually think it’s terrible to hit women and hate themselves for doing it. Depression, anxiety and so on often follow; and both perpetrators and victims may also have other problems – drugs, alcohol, serious mental health – which, though they don’t cause the violence, also need to be addressed if it is to stop.

• Smoking, drinking or drug taking? Where to get help to stop

Domestic violence frequently emerges from the abuser’s own deep fears of being powerless or being abandoned. This can cause them to develop a great desire for control over their partner.

The good news is, that both men and women who use violence can usually learn to stop quite quickly, given the right support. If you’ve been violent or feel you are in danger of becoming so, there are many programmes that can help you tackle this behaviour.

To find out more about these programmes go to this BBC page or call the Respect phone information line: 0845 122 8609

What if I’m a victim?

If you are a man suffering domestic abuse, or are in are in a relationship where the violence is mutual and would like advice or help, you can contact:

• Male Advice & Enquiry Line - 0845 064 6800
• Helpline for male victims of domestic violence - 0808 801 0327
• Men's advice line

If you are a woman, contact:

• The English National Domestic Violence helpline: 0808 2000 247
• Scotland Domestic Violence helpline: 0800 027 1234
• Wales Domestic Violence helpline: 0808 80 10 800

If you are a friend or other family member worried about the impact of family violence on an adult or a child, call any of the helplines above, or the NSPCC helpline: 0808 800 5000

Author

Gavin Evans is a father of two daughters - aged 17 and 13 - and lives in North London. 15 years ago he changed gear from being a full-time reporter to full-time parent and part-time journalist. His writing on issues affecting fathers has been published in a wide range of publications including The Guardian, The Independent, Men's Health, Cosmopolitan, The Times and The New Statesman. He has written five books on sport, a chapter on men in Your Pregnancy Bible and is completing his first screenplay. Gavin also regularly posts blogs at www.gavinevans.net.

Your experiences?

What has your experience been? Have you been a victim or perpetrator of violence in your relationship? Have you done something about it - what's been useful? Use the comments system to share your experiences with other dads.