Being a separated dad

No father wants to be separated from his kids. But, as separated families become more common, millions of dads now live apart from their children. Luckily, with a little common sense and compromise from you and your child's mum, you can still have a great time with your kids. Dan Roberts looks into how...

Whatever the circumstances, break-ups are always painful. And they’re even more painful if you have to leave your kids behind, then only get to see them every other weekend. Having spent the last nine years as a weekend dad to my son, Ben, I know only too well how hard this can be.

• Emotional support

Sadly, it’s a position an increasing number of dads find themselves in – nearly a quarter of all kids in the UK live with only one parent, usually their mother.

The good news is that, even if you only see them for two weekends a month, you still have a huge part to play in your son or daughter’s life. To help you do that, the most important thing is to minimise conflict with your child's mother – I have worked extremely hard to put all grievances aside and maintain a good relationship with Ben’s mum.

This has made it much easier for us to negotiate about who has him when, holidays, and so on. If you’re in a similar position, here are some more tips to help you make the best of it.

• Ten golden rules to protect your child from the effects of separation

Avoid handover hassles

The dreaded handover, whether you’re picking them up from their mum’s or dropping them back, is a ticking time bomb.

The dreaded handover, whether you’re picking them up from their mum’s or dropping them back, is a ticking time bomb. It may be the only time you see your child's mum face-to-face, her new partner might be there and, because everyone’s likely to be tense, this will be transmitted to the kids, who may start playing up. Remember these rules:

• Whatever happens, keep any angry words to yourself. Call her or send an email later, if you have to.
• When you’re leaving, always give your kids a hug and tell them you love them. The way your weekend together ends will have a lasting effect on them, so make sure it’s a good one.
• Be clear about when you will see them next, so they have a concrete timeframe to work with.
• Always try to say a cheerful goodbye to them and their mum, however bad you may be feeling. It’s not easy, but remember that you’re the adult, so try and be strong for your kids.
• Making it work

Allow some quiet time

When you haven’t seen them for a while, it’s tempting to plan a whirlwind of activities for your weekend. There’s nothing wrong with the odd trip to the zoo, but don’t forget that what your kids really need is you – your time and undivided attention.

"Kids do get bored easily, but they can have their brains and emotions stimulated without running around like lunatics," says psychologist Dr Sandra Wheatley.

Try the following:

• Schedule some downtime into the weekend, when you just hang out and don’t do much.
• Board games are a great way to keep them occupied in a quiet, one-to-one setting.
• If they’re old enough, read a book together, you one chapter and them the next.
• Let them lead the conversation sometimes – kids need to talk to their dads about important stuff at school, with their friends and other family members, as well as how they feel about your separation.
• Supporting my child's education: what can I do?

Don’t lose touch during the week

Whatever your contact arrangements with their mum, do anything you can to stay in touch when you’re not seeing them. Send a text or email, call them up, if possible, or send a card. "It’s crucial that kids know you’re around and that you’re thinking about them," says Sandra. "Even if they only see you once a fortnight, they know you’re always on the other end of the phone if they need you."

• Communicating with your child's mother

Spoil them with love, not stuff

Everyone likes to spoil their kids sometimes. And if you only see them every now and then it’s tempting to go nuts in the toyshop. But if you really think about it, who is that for? "What you’re doing is satisfying something in yourself – often, after a separation, your feeling of guilt," says Sandra. "You’re trying to make up for the time you’re not there."

Instead of expensive toys, give your kids what they’re really craving – your time, undivided attention and love. Switch off the phone, put the papers to one side and focus 100 per cent on them. They will love that more than another shiny piece of plastic.

• I've not been very involved until now...

Don’t be too heavy-handed

Cut your kids some slack. Their world has been turned upside down too, so they may be angry and confused

Dads often feel they should be the disciplinarian in the family. But if you only see them for two days out of 14, you don’t want to spoil your precious time by shouting at them non-stop. Try to:

• cut your kids some slack. Their world has been turned upside down too, so they may be angry and confused
• be as flexible as possible. Sticking to rigid, unworkable rules does no-one any favours
• agree a broad set of rules with your child's mum, so your kids have a consistent sense of what’s right and wrong
• relax! Of course you need to be firm and set clear boundaries – but it’s also important to have fun and enjoy those weekends.

Overall, being a separated dad is challenging, but if you and your child's mother handle it well, you can remain a loving, hands-on father – and your ever-adaptable kids will be fine.

• Discipline: the basics

Author

Dan Roberts is a feature-writer and columnist with over ten years’ experience of working for The Guardian, The Observer, The Independent, Daily Express and Mail on Sunday, as well as numerous national magazines. His areas of expertise include health, wellbeing, relationships, psychology and parenting. Dan also writes two monthly columns, including Diary of a Single Dad, a humorous but affectionate account of raising his ten-year-old son, Ben. The best of Dan’s work can be found on his website at www.dan-roberts.net

Your experience

What works for you and your kids? What hasn't worked and should be avoided?  Help us to build a great resource on making limited contact with your kids work for them and you - use our comments system below to add your tips.