Dad dot info
Free online course for separated parents
Forum - Ask questions. Get answers.
Free online course for separated parents | DAD BLOGS: Ben | Just everything

Just everything

Some days are really hard: some because something specific happens and others because nothing specific happens at all.

These days I find the latter the most challenging; the days when I can’t put on my finger on what’s wrong with me are suffocating. They are the days when I don’t want to talk to anyone at all because I can’t explain how I feel and because I don’t even want to have to try. I’ve only ever met two people with sufficiently contradictory vocabulary to express this feeling. When asked to summarise what was affecting their mood, both Desreen and Jackson would respond with the same answer: ‘Just everything!’

What I’m starting to find particularly challenging is that, since Desreen’s death, grief is always to blame. It’s boring; I feel like there’s no longer any diversity to my melancholy or bad temper. I find myself to be a completely one-dimensional misery. And, when I think logically, this lack of depth doesn’t really make sense to me because of course I also had bad days before my wife was killed. The problem now, however, is that the bad days seem to spiral. When I feel miserable about something I can’t identify, the grief presents itself. And when the grief presents itself, I feel more miserable still. And when I start to feel more miserable than I felt in the first place, the grief intensifies. And then I think I’m having a bad day because of the grief. And then I wonder if the grief is now so deeply entrenched that it was the cause all along.

I suppose some days just everything makes you feel bad. It’s just too bad that these days the ‘everything’ part feels a whole lot bigger than it used to.





This is syndicated content from Life as a widower

Content reproduced with the kind permission of Benjamin Brooks-Dutton

The views expressed in this blog are solely those of the blogger and do not necessarily represent the views of

Related entries

Board Games

Board Games

I used to play snakes and ladders with my family when I was a child. Being the youngest of three boys, it was one of the few games that levelled us all out. Winning tactics couldn’t really be deployed and experience mattered little in determining the final result... I...

Board Games

tell them

The eighty-five-year-old driver who killed my wife, Desreen, was jailed just before Christmas for eighteen months for causing her death by dangerous driving. He was also banned from driving for life. I suspect he, his family and friends are feeling really quite...

Board Games

los muertos

“Life can be really tough for the living.” – Mary Beth, The Book of Life It was Halloween this week and as I tucked Jackson up in bed late that night I realised that, of the two of us, I was the one that had spent the day scared. In fact these days I spend a lot of my...

Latest entries



Hi Dad, What a difficult decision for you. There are several things to consider here before making the final decision. Separating the children could impact the quality of the sibling relationship. This relationship is important and beneficial to the two children....

Prostate problems: what you need to know

Prostate problems: what you need to know

As it's Men's Mental Health Month (Movember) in November, Dad Info is focussing on awareness of men's health issues. As part of this series we are focussing on prostate problems. What is a prostate? The prostate is a small tube found only in men, surrounding the tube...

Pin It on Pinterest