The older J and H become the more I realise I need to have a conversation with my own father but those of you who read this blog regularly will know that my dad died three years ago. The reason that I know I need to talk to him is because as the boys get older and my fathering role expands I know I have so many things I need to apologise for; you see I wasn’t a very good son.
Firstly I want to start by saying I’m sorry for not being a great son. I want to apologise for the son I was, or more to the point the son I wasn’t.
I’m sorry that from an early age I distanced myself from you; that I made a choice not to bond with you or open up to you. I’m sorry because I know why I did that; I found you embarrassing. I don’t remember exactly what age I was when I noticed that you were so much older than my mate’s dads but I know that it meant that I stopped being your son.
Dad, I know this might be a bit of a shock but I think deep down you knew that I wasn’t close to you. We never talked about it but it’s always been the elephant in the room. We’ve said we love each other but it always felt like those words where empty and meaningless because there wasn’t any deep connection to hang them on; I’m sorry.
So why am I bringing this up now? I guess because as I watch the boys grow up it’s becoming so important to me that they know whose sons they are; and the foundation of that knowledge, is based on relationship. But I’m realising that relationship is all about authenticity and understanding. It’s about being know and knowing; and we didn’t have that.
You’re not here for me to have this conversation in person so Dad I’m writing it down as a way of bearing my soul. I’m sorry for my stupidity; I’m sorry because it robbed you of a son and me of a father. Please forgive me.
With Love; your only son x