Is your anger out of control?
Do you blow when the kids don't listen? Or ever lose it with your partner or ex? Has being confined in lockdown made it worse?
No opportunity for a holiday, games night cancelled and no trip to the pub with friends (unless you live on the Isle of Skye or Cornwall). 2020 hasn't helped us keep our anger in check. With people's sensitivities at peak it doesn’t take much to lose your rag and now Christmas is in the mix!
Dad.info spoke with Anita Rampal, a former divorce lawyer now trained in hypnotherapy and NLP about how to stop anger spoiling Christmas. Anita explains, "sometimes that initial moment of outburst feels good, you let off that steam. However, we all know, the outcome of that interaction will never end well".
Anger is Scary
Anger is bad for your health, it damages relationships and is scary for you and your family if you lose control over what you might do or say. Anita is clear that "although research in the past concluded that anger shouldn't be repressed, scientists now say letting it all out is not the answer either". We live in a society that is already too violent, your anger only adds to that.
Anger is Natural
However, Anita is quick to point out that anger, well managed does have a role. "anger in a controlled protest can right a wrong, change laws and show others that you’re not a doormat". Anger is natural, it comes from any sense of loss. Anger is a completely normal stage in divorce for example. When someone has trespassed us in some way, like trespassed our belief that they would stay with us forever or trespassed our trust and had an affair. Anita's professional life has brought her up close with many angry people, recognising the signs, she can help unpack the emotions, "it's this gap between expectation and reality that becomes filled with the energy of anger, which is why even small things like when we expect kids not to lie to us about homework and they do, our blood starts to boil".
If though your anger isn't managed and you need help to tame that hot emotion Anita has a few tips below which might help:
Should & Must
When we have strict rules and expectations for our own behaviour or for other people's, the result is anger, guilt and pressure. We may demand that the kids should listen, because I've had a hard day, or my boss must give me a bonus for Christmas. But the fact is they don't! Break the should and must rule and see how that changes your day.
Anger doesn't communicate
Understand that anger doesn’t work to get your point across – it just hijacks your body! Always take a breath. This will give you a moment to become self- aware and understand that you might not be able to control other people, but you always have a choice as to how you respond.
Don't be Defensive
If someone gets angry with you, don’t be defensive. The argument goes on for far too long, blood pressure rises and both people are simply repeating the same thing without either one listening to the other. Call for time-out instead.
Anita recommends that when your anger is a little out of hand, or you need more than the above tips, anger can be effectively controlled using CBT, (Cognitive Behavioural Therapy), Clinical Hypnotherapy and NLP.
Anita has helped many clients see this behaviour as a habit which they have ‘learned’ over time. In a couple of sessions clients can ‘unlearn’ this pattern, as well as other unwanted emotions using coaching and audios, giving them the freedom and control over their own behaviour, even in difficult situations. Anita is a relationship/dating specialist and divorce coach. She was a former divorce lawyer but nowadays helps clients, one- to- one via zoom, on their recovery journey. If you would like any other advice, Anita is happy to have a chat and offers a free telephone consultation.