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Age-appropriate lyrics: We give our favourite songs a child-friendly makeover

Ah, morning chaos. You know how it is; you’ve got brekkie on the go in one hand, a lunch box in the other, the radio is blaring in the background. And then just when you think you have it all under control, Jay-Z floods out of the speakers and it takes you until the chorus to realise… THERE ARE BAD WORDS IN THIS SONG.

By then, of course, it’s too late. And once again, you’re forced to talk loudly over the rude bits so you don’t have to face a barrage of questions of why this man has ‘so many problems, and what isn’t one?’ If it doesn’t happen in the kitchen – then it’s on the school run, while the bath is running or, occasionally, when you’re singing to yourself (ahem, not that you do that).

Frankly, bad song lyrics are everywhere and it’s hard to keep track of when they’re going to explode out of the speakers and into the innocent ears of little ones. Luckily, we’ve had this experience crop up a few too many times, and we’ve since come up with a solution: age-appropriate lyrics. All you have to do is sing over the track with your own version of the song. The result, the kids stay innocent that little while longer and you feel like a lyrical genius. Eminem wishes he has your skills. The missus will be impressed too. Trust us.

The song: 99 Problems, Jay-Z

What to look out for: the chorus

Swap for: ‘I’ve got 99 problems, but a bib ain’t one’

 

The song: One Day Like This, Elbow

What to look out for: opening verse, chorus

Swap for: ‘Looks like it’s an early one, blinking in the morning sun, shaking off a nappy run, least it’s not an exploded one’… ‘Cause, darling wow, I love your eyes’ 

 

The song: Let’s Talk About Sex, Salt ‘n’ Pepper

What to look out for: the chorus

Swap for: ‘Let’s talk about pets baby, let’s talk about you and me…’ 

 

The song: I See You Baby, Groove Armada

What to look out for: chorus

Swap for: ‘I see you baby, with the giraffe, with the giraffe, with the giraffe’

 

The song: Don’t Cha, Pussycat Dolls feat. Busta Rhymes

What to look out for: the chorus

Swap for: ‘Don’t cha wish your baby was cute like mine?’

 

The song: Bad, Michael Jackson

What to look out for: the chorus

Swap for: ‘I’m Dad, I’m Dad, you know it. You’re glad. Who’s Dad?’

 

The song: Single Ladies (Put a Ring on It), Beyoncé

What to look out for: the chorus

Swap for: ‘All the little babies! All the little babies!’ 

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