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The Sordid Truth About CBeebies

Late one evening last week I was watching some comedy on E4 when I heard the theme song from “Rastamouse.” There in front of me was the famous reggae detective with his sidekicks “Scratchy” and “Zuma” singing away in an advert for the new Rastamouse DVD. Now, it struck me that this commercial was not meant for the typical CBeebies audience because at shortly after 10pm they were all tucked up in bed. So, who was Rastamouse really aimed at and, if it wasn’t my two toddlers, what was this seemingly innocent programme and (others like it) really about?

“Rastamouse” is a good place to start my investigation. A group of reggae playing mouse detectives who solve mysteries connected with cheese, Rastamouse and the Eazy Crew recently appeared at this year’s Glastonbury festival. I am told that a whole generation of lazy, layabout students are crazy about Rastamouse and have taken him to their hearts. Apparently, Rastamoue’s constant search for the cheese is a badly veiled euphemism for marijuana. I am shocked. Truly shocked. But it doesn’t end there.

Continuing on the drugs connection, if I were to describe a world where a group of multi-coloured creatures perform yoga, levitate through the air and spend their whole day giggling whilst playing peek-a-boo you would accuse me of describing an aging hippy’s acid flashbacks. I’m sorry to say that I am not. This is the world of “Waybuloo.” Don’t be fooled by the mellow pipe music, those Piplings in Nara are higher than a Bolivian condor.

Let’s move onto “In the Night Garden.” I’m afraid the story isn’t one of drugs here but sex. The relationship between Iggle Piggle and Upsy Daisy Do is one that merits further analysis. Upsy Daisy loves dancing and has a skirt that pops up whenever she pulls a chord. She is relentlessly pursued by a grown man in a bright blue baby-grow for hugs, kisses and who knows what else. When I see Iggle Piggle I think less of cute cuddly toy and more of Benny Hill at his smutty best. Read between the lines and we have a sorry tale of a dirty old man and his jailbait pole dancing girlfriend. It’s obvious once you think about it.

Finally, I move onto “Balamory.” So, what is the real story in Balamory?  There is no way this is an innocent tale of life on an island idyll. There’s more scandal packed into twenty minutes than there is in an entire two hours of the Eastenders omnibus. PC Plum clearly fancies the pants off Miss Hooley. She, however, is seeing Spencer on the sly and so old Plummy is destined to be broken-hearted. Meanwhile, Edie McCreadie and Susy Sweet are engaged in a torrid lesbian love affair. Penny Pocket is the local drug pusher (don’t let the wheelchair fool you). Archie is clearly gay (effete Englishman who wears a kilt and lives in a pink castle?) and is also pining for Spencer. Spencer, however, is really in love with Josie Jump. Is that clear? If it isn’t just watch a couple of episodes with this knowledge in mind and it will all make sense.

On a completely separate note, it has now been nearly eight months that I’ve been looking after the kids on my own. Some of my friends have been telling me that I need to get out a little more. I’m not sure that I know what they mean…

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