Restored Lives: Communicating Facts Not Feelings
Communication and Recovery
Communication is the lifeblood of relationships but interestingly communication is also absolutely the lifeblood of good recovery in a relationship breakdown. If you're able to get and have good communication with your ex then your own recovery will be quicker and more successful.
So how do you get good communication with the ex?
Separating Your Feelings from Facts
One of the great little skills and tools that help people get better communication is working out the difference between the facts that you're trying to communicate and the feelings associated with those facts.
Now in any normal relationship with your ex or even with a friend in the pub you have a nice healthy balance of being able to talk about facts and feelings in a normal way. However when there's a separation and a breakdown of that relationship in whatever way you have to have a changed form of communication. One that is more distant than it normally used to be.
Avoiding Low-level Battle
In that situation working out what the facts of the situation are; those which need to be communicated... and separating out the feelings (which actually you need to deal with and work out in a different place in a different time) is key for having healthy communication with your ex.
One person said to me that when they met up with their ex to talk about it the meetings were pretty much what they called "Low battlegrounds". Where he would want to find out how she was and if she wasn't well he'd feel a lot better.
But if she was well and portraying a good nature then he'd go away with that sort of big load of self-pity and you know it would squash him with all those feelings that he had and the discussions about the kids would be a low level battleground.
The way to avoid that low level battleground is to separate the facts from those feelings.
Plan Topics Ahead of Time
If you can think about the next time you talk with your ex what are the facts that I really need to communicate.
Work it out. Put it down on a piece of paper. Write a list out of what the things are that you want to communicate. You need to say them and then separate out what your feelings are on those things or around that topic.
Then you'll be able to communicate facts and have a conversation just about those issues that you're trying to talk about and separate out the feelings now.
Try Not To Express How You Feel To Your Ex
Importantly those feelings need to be dealt with. But it's just not the right time with your ex and she's probably not the right person or they're not the right person to talk about those feelings with.
Talk about them with someone else.
Have a different person that you can to talk about those feelings and work out a way to deal with those feelings. Separate from that conversation with your ex. But I can promise you that if you're able to separate out those two things the facts from the feelings then your communication with your ex will be a lot easier, simpler and more effective.
The Divorce and Separation course, Restored Lives, is both practical and supportive, giving any divorced or separated person the opportunity to discuss the challenges they are facing and the tools to deal with them effectively.
Find Restored Lives at https://www.restoredlives.org
Who is the Course For?
The course is for any person who is separated, or who is currently going through a divorce or is already divorced, either recently or at any time in the past. Based on Christian principles, it is helpful for any person with or without a church background.
Each evening begins with supper followed by a talk, with opportunities for discussion in small groups. The small groups are led by people who have gone through divorce themselves. The setting is welcoming, relaxed and unthreatening.
Topics covered include:
- Facing the effects of separation and divorce
- The importance of good communication
- Resolving conflict
- Divorce – the legal issues
- Parenting issues
- Moving forward with hope
Courses starting soon: Cheadle 7th May
The Mental Health Crisis of Depression, Anger and Anxiety is very real. If you are experiencing these PLEASE talk to your doctor or call the Samaritans on 116 123 ...they are very aware how real this pain is.
Divorce and separation
04 November 2019
I want to relocate - What can family mediation do?
Divorce and separation
24 September 2019
Does Mediation Work? - Changing contact arrangements
11 September 2019
Is Sex Addiction spoiling your relationship?