TOPIC: Trying to have a fair arrangement with my ex

Hello

I used to live down in Surrey with my now ex and two daughters. We got divorced and my ex moved to 120 miles to Hereford, as she wanted to buy her dream home in Hereford (where she can keep her horses).

Before we separated, we were discussing moving to another location, so that my ex could have her dream home, but I had reservations about moving to Hereford, as it was so far away from my work. I work in the the south of England, near Hampshire/Surrey, in the pharmaceutical industry, which is mainly based in that location of the country. Moving to Hereford would seriously impact my commute to work and force me to have to stay away form home for a few days every week, which I was very reluctant to, as I would be away from the rest of my family and would not see my daughters as much. There are very few pharmaceutical jobs outside of the south of England.

My ex was not willing to compromise and refused to seriously consider moving to any other location. When we separated, she wanted to still move to Hereford, despite my concerns, which I raised with the mediator, during mediation sessions. The mediator told me that the courts would normally favour the mother and that I would probably not be successful, so I did nothing and accepted the situation as best I could.

Now we are separated, I now live in Hereford and commute to my job in Hampshire, about 120 miles away. It is a lot of driving and time, I live in airbnb accommodation when I'm down at my work. I have my daughters 2 days a week and do all of the driving, for pick ups and drops offs. My ex does the driving for dentists appointments and after school classes. I should also state that my ex stays about 9 miles away from me in Hereford and she also lives right next door to our daughters school.

I have attempted to get my ex to share the driving for drop offs and pick ups, but with no success. She claims that she does enough driving already, despite my long journeys to work each week (240 miles round trip). Obviously during the lockdown things have changed in terms of working from home and no schools, up to the end of May. However I am still doing all the picks ups and drops offs, whilst my ex does no driving. She refuses to do any driving during the lockdown, unless she has another reason to come over to my area of Hereford. I stay in the centre of Hereford, near all of the shops, soft plays etc, whilst she stays in the countryside.

I am getting to the stage of seeking court action. A few months ago, I previously sent a lawyers letter to her, which made he then suggested mediation again, which was not successful as she denied any of the claims in the lawyers letter. In the lawyers letter I raised concern over the driving for pick ups and drop offs, as well as concerns over her brother who is not fit to drive, being allowed to drive a car with my daughters in it. Her brother has health issues which he refused to report to the DVLA and Doctor. I also raised concerns as to my ex keeping my daughters off school to have day out at soft play with them and her friend.

I am at my wits end and just want my ex to fair and reasonable. Has anyone got any advice for this situation?

I had an child arrangements order where I did all the travelling - 6 hour round trips. In hindsight I should have insisted on sharing these trips from the outset, but I didn't.

I went back to court to have it changed 2 years later (along other things). I cited how the driving is impacting my social life, and that it's becoming more difficult. I said that long term I'd like contact to be made sustainable and one way to do this is to share these trips.

Ex said she didn't want to and she pulled the driving to school card (5 minutes, sometimes on foot). I don't think she realised that a judge could order it as it didn't look like she made any serious effort to defend it.

Judge ordered sharing of trips. I was pleased, couldn't believe it. She tried to appeal, failed.

hi,

is there any possibility of you relocating to another area to cut down the mileage? my last job was in pharma. there's a lot of mid/senior level people and they hardly came into the office. mostly working from home. would your company accommodate some flexibility?

when i was in court, they did not seem bothered about my work commitments, and advised me to find a more flexible job. my barrister told me if doing school runs become an issue etc, i should just change jobs. i chose a job that's close to the kids and their school, and new employer not fussed about my arrangements. but i understand it not so straightforward for you.

some parents have been to court about these issues, and court ordered both parents to share the collections and drop-offs. but it could go either way.

My driving is impacting my social life and living away from home has an impact as well. My ex accuses me of being controlling, but she has been very manipulative in getting what she wants

I have tried to look for a pharma job closer to Hereford, but it is very challenging. I feel like changing to another job would be a step to far and a bit reasonable, given how much my ex has benefited from her dream house move.

My ex has been very manipulative and she filed for divorce at a time when she had admitted to having a drinking problem and an addictive personality. She was going to go to AA and tell her parents, but then about 2 weeks later decided not to do either and asked for a divorce.

My ex also lied about being beaten up at the pub by a group of men. She also lied about being raped by two men on her way home from the pub. She covers for her brothers health problems, which would mean that his driving licence would be taken off him. She was initially shocked by his health condition, but then he then turned the tables on her and accused her of being a bad mother because she smoked and was passing secondary smoke on to our children. She is very twisted and makes me out to be the bad guy, because I got angry and annoyed with her, The truth is that her drinking and lies made me angry and I told her this and gave examples from my Al-Anon meetings and expert websites, which she ignored.

She has all the benefits and I have nothing.

All of that driving, time away from home etc is not good for your wellbeing, and must impact on the little time ya have with your daughters. What are your priorities ? She has made her move, you have little option but to find a job closer to your children. These are the sacrifices of parenting in divorce.

hi,

yep most of us had to make lot of sacrifices to be with our kids, be it financial or what not. i used to bitch about about having to do school runs after entering the court arena. its just a way of life now. also working on complete shift in career changes. not bothered any more. a jobs a job. put your hours in and pay your bills.

Hi Mozzie76,
I would just like to pick up on the topic of your ex-brother in laws medical condition and his driving ? I speak from personal experience as I have epilepsy, that driving a vehicle with an untreated medical condition is very serious. I would urge you not to allow your daughters to be driven around by someone who is not medically fit to do so. The DVLA have information about this. Without knowing the circumstances and the condition, I don't want to speculate, but I had to hand back my licence twice due to my medical condition. I have now been seizure free for 20 years this year, but only because I take medication and have my condition monitored. If there is anyway that you can try to prevent him from driving your daughters, then please do so. Don't mean to go on, but it's important.
Kind Regards, Fegans PSV