TOPIC: I haven’t co parented in a year

Hello gentlemen. New here and just looking for some unbiased advice. I’m 36 and share a beautiful 5 year old daughter with my Ex who I haven’t spoke to in a year. We broke up 3 years ago and though I wasn’t a perfect partner, I believed it wasn’t anything that couldn’t have been resolved for the sake of our daughter. We maintained communication for the 1st 2 years apart but it seemed like every time we spoke, my Ex would be disrespectful. I cut off communication with her. I still call my daughter daily and we spend time a few days per week. My daughter lives with my Ex at the grandparents home since we’ve broken up. I’ve basically gone through my daughters grandmother with phone calls and relaying information concerning my daughter. Recently my ex sent me a message and said that I was a coward because I haven’t come to grips with co parenting with her. It didn’t help that shortly after I cut off communication with her, I found out she was dating 1 of my relatives close friend who I know. It just seems she is very spiteful and tries to hurt me. Or maybe I need to undermine her and co parent for the betterment of my daughter. I’m very confused and would appreciate any advice so that my daughter is raised knowing she is loved most of all. Thank you

hi,

i think it depends on your situation. you can try communicate with her directly to co-parent. but if she be's abusive/disrespectful, then carry on making arrangements through her family members.

in my situation the ex refuses direct contact in a childish manner. so my only option is to pass messages through her brother.

Unfortunately, you can’t make someone co-parent a child with you, particularly if she is being abusive towards you in any case. I ‘parallel’ parent my son, as his mother has such a complete sense of her ownership of him that my views are irrelevant to her unless I’m rubber-stamping a decision she’s already made. If I disagree with her point of view, I’m ‘arguing and causing conflict and distress’.

I have likewise been told to jump through hoops in order to communicate anything relating to our son’s care to her. For well over a year, I was only ‘allowed’ to contact her by texting her sister, with the instructions that her sister would only pass on the messages if I followed a strict set of guidelines on what I could say. She blocked her own phone, and said she would no longer engage with emails from me, but of course happily phoned and emailed me whenever she liked, saying whatever she wanted to, because I had no choice but to keep those channels open for the sake of my son.

Ultimately, your focus should be on maintaining and developing the relationship you have with your child. My son is aware he is loved by his parents even if they don’t get on with each other, which isn’t his fault or responsibility. I personally find the less contact I have with his mother, the better it is for my mental health. I rarely initiate contact with her, I generally just respond.

Hi Toks,

Agree with others advice on here, but in addition to remain child focused and not who your ex is in a relationship with even if it is someone you know etc.

If you allow it to impact you then co-parenting will be more difficult than it already is.

Don't look at co-parenting as something to undermine your ex or to prove a point but for your daughter and her well being.

Thanks