• Page:
  • 1

TOPIC: Can I have advice please ?

Can I have advice please ? 4 months 2 weeks ago #109414

I am a woman and posted before and got lovely advice and response..

I have an ex who like a lot of men on here Have difficult, abusive, but narcissistic type exes of abuse , thrown in with some threats of violence but worse of all he threatened me with the children, makes me out to be bad and a monster..

We now have a court order but he is still saying stuff to our eldest ‘ mine but he got PR , you will not be at the school long even though she is fine there, it’s like he planting seeds to try and take them away again. I have a PSO as well.. he is ask how my 3 year old got a scratch ? Yes he gets grazes and even I watch him all the time , been called helicopter parent lol but my anxiety is shot to pieces because of him. He is 3 and so energetic he often did get grazes so did my daughter at the age but less so but I was anxious as he is out to get me big time..

They play a lot, and fight. Have a 3 year old and 4 year both boys. 4 year old loves with dad see me weekends and one afternoon tea a week the other two with me , and he often as bruises and scratches but I’m not as petty as can see it’s a very mobile child.

I am scared of him , his mother also ruined her ex husband his father and it broke him. Made all sorts of awful stuff up ! They grew up hating their dad, only good thing and I say it lightly is his 3 other brothers have said she is a narcissist and a pathological lie so they now realise what she is like, sadly she bought them up with another daddy Andover far away so real dad still has no contact or ever been able to tell his side.

Is that going to be me? I’m terrified. It can happen to both he genders although I blame the mother so much as well but he has his own mind and should have seen it for what it but turns out he is like her.

Is there anyone I can speak to? I want to contact to say same but I’m so worried with anxiety. I get worried when my 3 year old grazes himself and the eldest notices Ans says it’s ok mummy. If not fair I can’t be like this because of him. He has told me he has hate in his heart before now.

I’ve had a right terrible time with him and I just don’t know how to co parent with him? It Was going Well since court order April but lately it’s going down hill again with his remarks via the kids.

Please Log in or Create an account to join the conversation.

Last Edit: by Heartbroken23. Reason: Sentences

Can I have advice please ? 4 months 2 weeks ago #109416

  • actd
  • actd's Avatar
  • Away
  • Moderator
  • Moderator
  • Posts: 11395
  • Thank you received: 1769
Hi

I've forwarded this to Fegans (the charity that runs this forum) to see if there is any help they can give you. Have you spoken to your GP, I would say that it might be worth seeing if you can get referred for some counselling.
The following user(s) said Thank You: Heartbroken23

Please Log in or Create an account to join the conversation.

Can I have advice please ? 4 months 2 weeks ago #109419

hi,

yes it can be very difficult to co-parent. one parent or both can pick on every little thing and be so petty. how do you communicate with ex? if it's direct, then I think you should find a way to limit contact with him. if he's going to complain every time the child has a scratch, you can politely tell him that these things happen a lot to kids, and he can contact social/childrens services for some advice regarding this.
The following user(s) said Thank You: Heartbroken23

Please Log in or Create an account to join the conversation.

Disclaimer: I am not a lawyer or trained professional. I am not in a position to give legal advice. Please consult a qualified professional for legal advice.

Can I have advice please ? 4 months 1 week ago #109591

Thank you.I’m picking my battles here.

Ive been polite and fair. We communicate by email and in his defence he does communicate really well by email and informs me of stuff. We don’t talk face to face anymore. I know it going to be very difficult as It’s always the way with one parent Or even both yes unless you are lucky.

It’s funny my male friend did say it’s normally women who are become difficult but in some cases the man can be toxic too and use the children as weapon And yes he is one of those usually, he used to tell Me off for being too protective and that I have to get used to being a mum of boys And they will do a lot worse as they get older and unless it’s really serious let them play as they are.

I was the one out with the plaster if they fell over and grazed their knee, now every graze he pretends he is concerned lol.. my daughter is 7 and to be honest she wasn’t as physical as the boys at that age, and was more sensible if that’s even the right word ,aside from falling off a bike and scooter With my daughter but my 3 year old jumps of sofas!

I stop it and tell him off but they do it again. I barely take my eyes off him.

I just want the children to enjoy both parents and for us to move on and live in peace.. We have all been through enough.

Please Log in or Create an account to join the conversation.

Can I have advice please ? 4 months 1 week ago #109597

Hi

It must be difficult to have to deal with things. I think there are a few things to consider.

Firstly it isn't an issue that you are causing, you cannot watch your kids all the time, nor should yo as they have to be allowed to explore the world including the rough and tumbles. It is how they learn and develop instinct and resilience.

You say he communicates well via email but maybe thats his comfort zone and its easier to articulate in writing rather than in person. In person he may have to be rational, listen and even concede ground which he doesn't want to do or doesn't know how to. Therefore maybe a mediator could help you guys to talk and clear up issues and come to some common ground?

Lastly, potentially based on his own childhood and experience with father, upon separation he has become overly protective of the kids? Maybe he is worried that you will find a way to prevent him being in kids lives and so is over protective but also picking faults so that he feels wanted and needed? I think you may need to suggest that he tackles his anxieties about things, maybe some counselling and a parenting course for him? Whether he does it or not is down to him, however you cant let him influence or change how you are with the kids as otherwise he is impacting on your relationship with them...

Just my thoughts.

All the best.

Please Log in or Create an account to join the conversation.

Can I have advice please ? 1 month 3 weeks ago #110916

Thank you! two months later I’ve suggested mediation to him. He doesn’t stop. He wants my son who lives with me but sees every other weekend and one night a week and also I offered if he wants to see my son he can as he is only going to nursery 3 days a week at the moment.

I can’t do much better, he is hellbent on taking the kids and quite frankly due to his past and anxieties from his own separation from his biological father I think it comes from that. I have never ever said a bad word about him and I will never ever stop the kids seeing him but he needs to stop saying things that aren’t true to the kids to plant doubts in their minds. Thankfully my eldest knows it’s not true as she remembers but even she is not old enough to fully understand.
He said my son that lives with Him Was upset and didn’t want to see me last week and was distressed ? When I took him back to his dad he was happy and not upset. He is in the ASD spectrum and has settled so well with me when we started doing nights when he said he gets distressed I didn’t find that. He is already starting to say my son doesn’t want to come which is not true, he is very happy here every other weekend and when I had him for half term. I am afraid that he would not promote a good relationship with me and the kids. He has issues that are not me, I’m always fair, I don’t ask a penny off him and always tried to help him.
I will see how mediation goes. He once told me he is angry because that’s how he deals with things so this is challenging. I would say he is abusive but not physically. I honestly want to work with him not against him.

Please Log in or Create an account to join the conversation.

Last Edit: by Heartbroken23.

Can I have advice please ? 1 month 3 weeks ago #110917

When I say abusive I mean that’s how he is with his own family who have kept low contact with him whilst his siblings also went through a hard time they have decided to go down another path and even though one isn’t with his partner they have arranged to share custody!

I asked him this when he turned on me before I left to do shared custody and it’s not bad has his brother does it and kids need both parents , well my goodness he said I’m not a wimp like my brother and went mad saying he has custody and I pay maintenance and he decides when to see the kids. I’m praying this all stops and he can see no one is against him but wanting what’s best for kids.

Please Log in or Create an account to join the conversation.

Last Edit: by Heartbroken23.

Can I have advice please ? 1 month 3 weeks ago #110924

  • actd
  • actd's Avatar
  • Away
  • Moderator
  • Moderator
  • Posts: 11395
  • Thank you received: 1769
I hope it does go well, but I would plan just in case he doesn't act reasonably, so that you have a plan B.

Please Log in or Create an account to join the conversation.

Last Edit: by actd.

Can I have advice please ? 1 month 3 weeks ago #110945

  • Yoda
  • Yoda's Avatar
  • Offline
  • Moderator
  • Moderator
  • Posts: 2730
  • Thank you received: 464
I agree with actd and just wanted to add one point. Kids often say they don't want to go to or from the other parent but it doesn't mean anything. Add in ASD and any small changes can present as a problem temporarily. Mediation or family counselling could be a suggestion to put forward to him?

Please Log in or Create an account to join the conversation.

DAD.info Moderator

I have several years experience supporting parents in family proceedings as a McKenzie Friend. I am, however, not a lawyer or barrister and my responses are based on my own opinions or experiences of the family court.

Can I have advice please ? 1 month 3 weeks ago #110961

Sorry, you're having a hard time. Have you thought about having a contact book which goes between you with the children? You write down any current problems and it avoids the need to communicate in person or email. I think there is also an App for this. If you are concerned about your son who lives with him, you should contact social services and talk to them about the problems.

Please Log in or Create an account to join the conversation.

  • Page:
  • 1