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TOPIC: Advice please - had enough of her!

Advice please - had enough of her! 3 months 4 weeks ago #109838

  • AL1986
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Hi dads, advice please!!

Final hearing was in August, which was successful, daughter lives with me 70% of the time due to mums substance misuse. Mum been told she can re-apply in 18 months if she follows a good detox programme etc (which I don’t think is happening, I think she’s just changed her addiction from one substance to another and is hiding it very well from friends and family)

Anyway, cafcass recommended we use a handover book and use email for important things such as holidays etc.

My daughters mother has emailed me 32 times since August!!! About ridiculous things such as confirming pick up times etc, when it’s on the court order!!
I’ve told her I don’t want to communicate with her, she’s now come back today saying she is refusing to use the book and and will continue to email me as it’s “important we communicate for our daughter”

I see it more as more control.

What can I do? I have been assaulted by her, accused of domestic violence and been harrased, I do not wish to talk to her

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Advice please - had enough of her! 3 months 4 weeks ago #109841

I've been in a similar position - not with my ex using, but being bombarded with unnecessary emails, texts and phone calls. My situation was a little different in the fact that my ex did use the contact book that Cafcass also prescribed as a way to aid our communication, or rather give my ex another avenue to harass me (thanks Cafcass...sigh).

In regards to her misuse of the contact book, she was writing unnecessary essays in it every week, chucking abuse at me, and making demands that I let her know everything right down to how many times our daughter had took a breath when she was with me (not literally, but there were absurd demands). So I basically started using it in such a minimal way, but ensuring I recorded the vital information in it, that my ex got so fed up that I wasn't feeding into her toxic, demanding, and controlling personality anymore that she told me not to bother writing in it at all, and the contact book fell to the wayside.

I was still getting the abusive and harassing, or just plain unnecessary texts and emails however. So I stopped responding to them and only replied when it was absolutely necessary. Like your ex, mine often doesn't bother to read what is in the court order and would rather bug me for the information - these toxic people find it more fun that way. If it's something where time is of the essence and I can see she is not going to bother digging out the court order (like I am due to see my daughter the next day, for instance), I simply tell her 'As the court order states (insert relevant section from court order)' and leave it at that. I do just that every time. As time goes on, she texts me less and less for info that is in the court order. I'm assuming because I give her nothing more than what I have said above, and she has gotten fed up, because by being so stoic I'm not opening myself up to unnecessary conversation, which is ultimately what she is after.

I saved and documented all her emails. When I had to apply to court for a second time because she was breaching our original court order, even though I had mentioned it to the court on my first application, nothing was really done, so I brought up her ill communication again. I explained why the contact book didn't work for us, even showing my solicitor where my ex had used it to write a love letter to her partner signed with a lipstick kiss and left it in there for me to see (Cafcass weren't interested in seeing that, of course), and about all the emails, etc, and offered to show Cafcass my email inbox essentially. They weren't interested in looking through all the emails, of course, but my dad was with me and backed me up. As well as addressing her breaches during the second time at court, they also warned my ex to cool it with the communication and ordered that only communication that is relevant to the child is to be expected. I got it put in the order that she can't even phone me, unless it's an emergency, at which point she can leave a voicemail. She is just so incapable of having a conversation without getting nasty.

I still get a lot of messages and emails that I don't need, and it's still a pain in the ass, but nothing compared to what I used to get. So my advice would be to save all the emails you get from her in a folder (most email accounts offer this) and screenshot all your texts and upload them to a folder on your computer. Only reply if you absolutely need to, and when you do, keep it to the point (no more than a couple of sentences if you can) and remain stoic in your communication - don't give her anything to feed off. If the emails and texts are really building up in general, then get some legal advice about what you can do next. If you ever get an abusive email or text you can alert the police straight away.

Ultimately, the court can step in and help you out here, but unfortunately for us dads, we have to jump through a lot of hoops to achieve that. Persistence and perseverance is key.

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Advice please - had enough of her! 3 months 4 weeks ago #109849

i never wanted to use contact book. court ordered us. right after the hearing the ex ditched it lol. her brother forwards her whatsapp messages onto me. i get a bitchy message around once a fortnight about all the things i'm doing wrong. I am getting into habit of not replying.

i think what you should do is use use a google calendar or something, and fill it with repeated entries for the fridays that you have your kids, school holidays etc. email the calendar to her. if it doesn't shut her up, send her a post card :p

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Disclaimer: I am not a lawyer or trained professional. I am not in a position to give legal advice. Please consult a qualified professional for legal advice.

Advice please - had enough of her! 3 months 4 weeks ago #109859

Bill, I had to block my ex and her partner on Whatsapp. During this pandemic we have, unfortunately, had to have more communication and for one reason and another it felt sensible to unblock her. I think I am going to have to block her again though and go back to emails. For some reason, a free app like Whatsapp, with which they can ping you a message without a second thought at the touch of their phone screen, seems to be an invitation for them to message you ALL the time about stuff they wouldn't even bother mentioning in an email, just because of how quick and easy Whatsapp is. It's now almost October and I've about had enough of it. Plus, I use Whatsapp to contact friends and family. I really don't like having to see my ex and her partner's faces looking at me every time I go into the app's inbox, and see the first line of the last message she sent me every time I want to speak to my mates. It makes me feel like she is present in my life way too much.

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Advice please - had enough of her! 3 months 4 weeks ago #109864

  • actd
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Buy a cheap second phone and use that to contact her, either SMS or whatsapp. That way you can block her on your main phone and only look at the phone you use for her when you want to.
ALternatively, you could just remove notifications for her contact on whatsapp - you'll still get the messages, but they won't intrude.

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Advice please - had enough of her! 3 months 4 weeks ago #109865

i see what you mean semi. now and again when i see ex message trail at top of whatsapp list, i get annoyed lol. I just delete the entire chat to get it off the screen. or their name goes down the list when i message lot of other ppl.

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Advice please - had enough of her! 3 months 4 weeks ago #109871

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You can pin your two favourite contacts to the top in whatsapp, that helps a bit.

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Advice please - had enough of her! 3 months 4 weeks ago #109876

I've been meaning to get a second phone for a while now. I keep putting it off because obviously I will have to keep two phones on me at all times in case there is an emergency with my daughter I guess. Whether she is in mine or her mum's care. But it would be good to have my main phone that I'm using frequently ex-free.

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Advice please - had enough of her! 3 months 4 weeks ago #109879

simple option is you can mute notifications from a contact in whatsapp. you can mute and unmute temporarily etc.

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Advice please - had enough of her! 3 months 3 weeks ago #109970

  • Toks
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Hi, I can't say I've had an easy time communicating with my son's mother either, but I will say that I massively prefer the contact mainly being via email as this provides a concrete record as well as an evidence trail if ever needed. You really only need to respond to appropriate emails, not all of them, but I'd say one way of dealing with this is to have a selection of polite/generic replies you can simply cut-and-paste and send - maybe she'll get the message once she cottons on.

I seldom answer calls from his mother - I generally allow them to go to voicemail - I figure if it's important, she'll leave a message which I can choose whether or not I need to respond to. If she decides to bombard me with calls, I either put the phone on 'silent' or on standby. Getting a 2nd phone just for her calls means having to ensure it's always charged and with me in case of emergencies, which is like being 'on-call', which just sounds like a hassle to me, so I've never bothered with this. Funnily enough she's blocked her phone and given me a 2nd number to ring, even though I haven't called her in years (I've always preferred texting her).

You are able to block a contact on whatsapp separately, that doesn't block them on the rest of your mobile - the blocked person will notice that their messages aren't being received, nor will they have any notifications of when you were last on or any updates of your profile photos etc from the moment you've blocked them, so you might want to consider this.

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Advice please - had enough of her! 3 months 3 weeks ago #109972

I used to always stick to emailing my ex, for the reasons you've given. It's just over the lockdown that we have been using Whatsapp as unfortunately, due to homeschooling our daughter together, we've needed more frequent communication to make that happen, and as much as I didn't want to unblock her on Whatsapp and open up that avenue of communication again, I felt I had to as she is useless with emails - she never checks them, and when she does she texts me back instead of replying by email. Also, every time I email her, I have to text her to let her know that I have done so. It is still preferable as it is easier to keep things formal and have a concrete record, rather than having to screenshot whatsapp messages all the time. I am planning to block her again and go back to emails soon. It might sound funny, but I have a final directions hearing in a couple of weeks, so I'm just waiting for that to be done, and then I will make the move to block her. With my ex, like all of our exes I suspect, it's like walking on eggshells and sometimes I have to be quite strategic about when and how I do things as not to make things worse for myself. I feel if I block her before the hearing she might try and get her solicitor to raise it in court, and her solicitor is DIRTY, and the last thing I need is him getting it in the order that I have to unblock her because that will be that. So I am picking my moment wisely. I may also try your technique of copying and pasting generic responses when nothing more is needed. I think it will help create some distance.

My concern about using a second phone is for the same reasons you stated, Tok. It's another phone to charge and keep on me at all times, just in case. However, it would be nice to have a phone which is completely free of her when I am using it for other things and contacting other people. I'm still weighing up the pros and cons.

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Advice please - had enough of her! 3 months 3 weeks ago #109977

2nd phone means extra expense and hassle for you. don't think you should bother. if you've joined large whatsapp groups, then you should be used to being bombarded or ignoring annoying messages by now. do same for ex.

i agree with being strategic. before my final hearing, i totally ignored whatsapp messages from ex as I sense she would try wind me up into sending her nasty messages. she asked if i instructed a solicitor, if so to send her a bundle. i ignored that too :)
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Disclaimer: I am not a lawyer or trained professional. I am not in a position to give legal advice. Please consult a qualified professional for legal advice.
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