Hi all. I have not posted in maybe 6 yrs. New account as I lost my login.
I am forever grateful for the advice I recieved here years ago. It's stood me in good stead. So thank you to all in this group.
6 years later as a father to a recently turned 12 yr old son , I don't know if I need advice or to vent.
I have a perfect relationship with my son. We see each other all the time. I have my own place. I even get along with his mother after years of courts and stress for all.
I have a partner of 3 years that has recently given birth to our daughter. Recently moved into my home to.
The pregnancy wasn't planned but I was happy when we found out.
A big concern was how my son would take to having a new sibling.
My partner and son don't engage very much. I've spoke to my partner about this many times as it's been a huge worry for me.
Not that they dislike each other, but my son is shy and my partner is introverted and has had zero experience with children.
I always thought this would improve over time. But I have been so wrong.
In fact, since my partner moved in , I can just feel I'm the pit of my stomach that my son is a inconvenience almost. Its my instinct that she just doesn't like him being around. He is a good kid and isn't unruly in the slightest. He even likes her but has mentioned to me how 'quiet' she is.
She basically says hello to him and that's it. Nothing.
Since moving in my partner has made very upsetting comments about my son. Very petty issues .
I feel like it's just proved that lingering awful thought I've had along that she isn't interested in being a family with my son .
Ive tried to get them to converse . She blames him! But surely as a 33 yr old adult she should take the lead !
He's still a child, a child that has never had a settled life at home. I always make our home as a sanctuary for him. We always have positive times.
My partners negativity has really turned me against her.
I know I should have acted more strongly on my instincts earlier. But I feel cheated. She tries to sweep the issue away . But I feel ill at the thought of living a fake family life. Or a life where my son must feel separate from my 'new' family.
I just feel sick.
She has mentioned already that she isn't comfortable at my home. I've made it welcoming all along. I'm just sure my son is the issue for her. When he stayed for the weekend after my partner first moved in. She left and stayed with her parents. Giving me nonsense excuses as to why.
I dread to be apart from my newborn. I've been here before and I never dreamed I could end up here again.
I just feel sick. I've always put my son first and now I am being pulled all directions. I don't know what I'm meant to do
I just feel so strongly about it.
If it was not for my newborn I m certain I would tell her to leave.
I know recently there has been alot of changes and high emotions due to the new baby.
I understand she's tired and overwhelmed.
But I'm sure she has issue with my son being my priority.
She's all but said it.
I just don't understand why she couldn't be upfront with me prior. I've made her aware from the start that my whole life revolves around being a dad. Giving my son a settled life, after his early years of moving schools, towns and not to mention his mother's numerous partners that have come and gone with much drama. DV etc .
I just feel like everything is ruined for all of us
it sounds like a very difficult situation. but i think your right, your partner is an adult. surely she knew what she was signing up for, and that your son is very important to you. she will need to accept that your son will remain a part of both of your lives. maybe you can give her a bit of space for a while. there's another dad on this forum that has been going through similar situation.
when he spends time with his child, he does it away from his partner somewhere else, just to keep the peace. maybe that's something you could do for a while. just a suggestion.
I've had sleepless nights recently with everything going through my mind.
I've always invited her and tried to include her when my son has been spending time with me.
Very often she would just say that she didn't want to intrude on our time together. Or visit for a short time, then leaving .
I thought with time things would improve, but if anything I see it getting more unbearable.
It's up to her now really. I'm not willing to turn a blind eye to this, something needs to give .
I should have followed my instinct. I've let this happen and I feel awful
I would suggest that you speak to your partner and suggest that you go to Relate - having someone objective may help you to sort things out, and it's got to be worth a try to save the relationship and improve it between your partner and your son.
I don't think she is willing to face the issue head on. Or acknowledge it at all really.
It has affected everything as now I can't help but feel distant. I can't see past this .
It would make me a lesser father if I buried my head in the sand like she has .
I'm not sure as to what to do next.
Maybe just ride things out for the time being and see how it progresses.
She is aware that I'm not willing to be in a relationship like this.
Time will tell I guess.
These days I have my son very regularly in addition to the usual set times and days.
If his mother let him stay here everyday I would be really happy. My partner knows this. I will always spend as much time with him as is physically possible
I really do empathise with this situation. It is clear you are a very hands on Dad and it is so encouraging to hear of your positive relationship with your son. I totally agree with everything you have said about the importance of supporting your son, having positive experiences with him and ensuring that he feels safe and secure with you, especially after an unsettled life at home.
It is absolutely vital that you talk to your new partner and tell her exactly how you are feeling, and how important it is to you that your son is accepted as part of your new family and how much anxiety it is causing you to feel like she doesn't like him or want him around. For her to be clear about how you feel about being a dad and that you couldn't bear for your newborn to experience what your son already has is fundamental in knowing where you all stand in order to move forwards.
Whilst I appreciate that hormones may play a large part for your partner at the moment, it is important for her to understand that your son is a child and an innocent party in this so she needs to be the adult and try and engage if there is to be any relationship with you, now and in the future.