Got an issue thats becoming more and more awkward and its been playing on my mind for a while.
I've got a 5 year old son I have every other weekend but becoming concerned about his hair it appears overgrown to me and my ex uses a hair band which makes him look really really girly(crusty the clown hair) she has severe anxiety issues so always have to be careful to stay on her good side and normally let her feel in charge of these things.
I text her saying would it be a good idea we all take son for haircut next week i will pay and her response was he loves his hair like that and so do I so its fine.
For me its becoming embarrassing because a hair band looks very girly and no hairband he can't see very well and from my point of view its up to the parent to cut his hair if its too long at age 4,I'm tempted just to get it cut but that will blow up in my face.
Looks really bad and I've become embarrassed when I'm out in public with him or around family members
I've been in a similar position. A while back my ex took my daughter to get an asymmetrical hair cut - one side was basically shaved really short, with the other side shoulder length. I didn't become aware until it had happened and that was that. On an adult or maybe a teenager I think it's a really cool haircut to be honest, however my daughter had only just turned 7 and it seemed way too mature a haircut for her age. I got used to it over time but I would have done things differently.
With that kind of styled haircut, you have to make sure it's trimmed regularly to keep it in shape. Obviously my ex couldn't be bothered to commit to that, so it would grow out into a weird shape. Like your ex, I knew mine would blow up in my face if I got it cut drastically different and she likes to be in complete control of everything. So what I would do, which wasn't ideal, but better than nothing, was as soon as I noticed my daughter's fringe getting in the way of her eyes, I'd take my daughter to the hairdresser and just ask them to give it a little trim, keeping the shape, that way my ex couldn't complain and my daughter looked more presentable. It would only cost me a few quid. Sometimes the trim was so quick they would let me have it for free.
These days, the asymmetrical haircut has completely grown out, and my daughter just has a regular 7 year old girls bob.
I would suggest you do something similar - take your son to the hairdresser. Explain that mum likes it styled this way but you want it trimmed and tidied up a bit. If she goes off at you for it, then she is being unreasonable. Just say nothing, turn around, and walk away. You are definitely not out of order for wanting your son to be able to see where he is walking!
I know some parents have a fear of cutting their children's hair when they are young for a couple of reasons - either because they are trying to cling on to their small child and fear a hair cut will make them look too different or too much older, or because they don't like the idea of anyone going near their child with a pair of scissors. My ex was like this, and didn't get a hair cut for my daughter until she was about 2 and a half and her hair had already grown well over her eyes. I couldn't do anything about it at the time as I had only just regained contact at that point.
Although anxiety isn't pleasant, ultimately these people need to take a deep breath and do what is best for the child. Leaving hair to grow unruly, especially at an age where the child doesn't actually have any say, is neglectful (a four year old is too impressionable to have a proper opinion about their haircut - even if you asked them if they'd like it dyed in all the colours of the rainbow with fairy lights hanging from their head they would say yes!).
Good plan i feel better already and like you suggested small trim here and there.
I've had no issues with contact for 3 years in a row now and have had a easy life to this point so just want to keep that good relationship with my ex going.
She has bipolar and I remember the relentless text messages when he was 1 I litrally had no appetite for months and struggled with insomnia,I rather to agree with everything for a easier stress free life.
Thank you,talking to someone who has gone through the same thing really helps
No problem. I've know people with bi polar and know how difficult it can be. My ex has a personality disorder, so I can totally relate to all those incessant text messages and just wanting to appease them for an easy life. Sometimes, you have to bite the bullet and do what you think is best though. And if shit does hit the fan, remember you always have the option to say nothing and walk away. This can be a powerful response as it says to them 'nothing you say is going to affect me'.
Hello Danbruno1105, This is a difficult situation to be in, and I understand your concerns for your sons hair. I would advise against having it cut very short in this instance, as this may cause an issues between yourself and your sons mum, or make her anxiety worse. Have you thought about asking her if you could have a slightly shorter style - say an inch to two inches, then if she is really not happy, hair will always grow back. Long hair can look good when washed and dried and combed nicely too, so perhaps you could get him some men hair grooming bits to do with him when you see him and some hair bands and see how that goes ? That way no hair is lost. It may be that your ex partner will agree eventually to have your sons hair cut, so hopefully things will work out for you both. Kind Regards, Fegans Parent Support Volunteer
Thanks for you response yes im also against getting it cut its just not worth the stress because of her bipolar and over the last few years our relationship has been smooth and my life is easy at the moment now hes older and we've settled into every other weekend.
He has curly hair and now has to be tied up with a band so hair don't get in his eyes for me looks girly but guess put up with it and ride this covi 19 year out with no more extra drama