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TOPIC: stopping contact

stopping contact 5 months 3 weeks ago #97000

  • beez
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Hi new to this kind of thing but was hoping for some advice.

My ex has told me I am not allowed to see my son this weekend because she is punishing him for being naughty in school. Without going into too much detail from what she says he is really struggling in school with his behaviour but I don't see why I shouldn't be allowed to see him because of that.

She is claiming that it is only for this weekend because he is being punished but I want to see my son. I make plans for us to do stuff at the weekend as I look forward to seeing him and I'm worried this one weekend will soon turn into more and more.

What I should do? Do I ride this out and see how it goes or just put my foot down now?

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stopping contact 5 months 3 weeks ago #97003

  • actd
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Do you have a court order or is contact just an informal arrangement? If there's an order, then presumably this would be a breach. Either way, I would let her know that you are not happy that withholding contact with you is being used as a punishment and that you do not agree to any futher occurences. I would keep a diary of contact, just in case you need it in future.

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stopping contact 5 months 3 weeks ago #97004

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There is no court order as I have him every weekend normally with no issues.

She is claiming that the punishment is not that he's not allowed to see me but that he is not allowed to do the things we have planned for weekend. We have very different parenting styles she is very strict where I take a more laid back approach my son is only 3 he is still a baby and should be allowed to play and have fun. I think she knows that I will not stop him from doing what we have planned at weekend and why should I it's my time with him.

I understand my son is really struggling with his behaviour in pre-school but why should I be punished for that he isn't naughty when he is with me he is just playing and having fun.

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stopping contact 5 months 3 weeks ago #97007

  • Mojo
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Hi there

It’s a difficult one really, my first reaction was to say that’s not on at all, but I think that needs to be tempered with working together as parents, whenever there is an issue.

Presenting a united front where there are behavioural problems is important, but she is wrong not to have discussed it with you first... the decisions on any punishment should be made jointly.

I would speak to her and explain that decisions about discipline should be made jointly, especially when it effects your weekend contact... removing time with you isn’t an appropriate punishment and sends the wrong message.

Suggest that the three of you sit down before contact starts, so that you can talk to him together about his behaviour. Perhaps you could agree that he loses a treat, or that if his behaviour doesn’t improve there will be some loss of privilege.

Time with your son is precious and you want to make the most of it, but being a parent is having to take actions, that as uncomfortable as they may be, are done in the child’s best interests.

Absolutely you want his time with you to be fun filled, but you will need to discipline him as he gets older and working out how you will do this together as parents is important.

If your ex understands that you will be united with her on whatever method you both choose to tackle his behaviour, she has no reason not to agree to,contact carrying on as usual.

All the best

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DadTalk Moderator... I'm not legally trained and my responses are my own views based on my experiences of the family court. I have plenty of common sense and can offer you emotional support and guide you to answers.

stopping contact 5 months 2 weeks ago #97041

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I agree with mojo, you need to be united in disciplining him, and that doesn't mean stopping your contact. It might also be worth planning special treats that you can do with your son, based on good behaviour, and will happen if your ex agrees that he deserves it - that way you are both rewarding good behaviour, rather than necessarily relying on punishment.

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stopping contact 5 months 2 weeks ago #97079

  • Yoda
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Parents do need to work together where possible so that one isn't always giving discipline and the other having fun, but she should not take away things you have planned without discussing with you first in my opinion.

Withholding time with you as punishment surely just sends the wrong message.

I'm also concerned that this is happening when he's 3? Surely it would be better for both of you to go and have a meeting with the school?

When my kids were 3, they were still testing the waters and needed firm boundaries when things happened, not a week down the line.

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DAD.info Moderator

I have several years experience supporting parents in family proceedings as a McKenzie Friend. I am, however, not a lawyer or barrister and my responses are based on my own opinions or experiences of the family court.
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