TOPIC: Are there others like me?

Are there others like me? 3 years 1 month ago #77835

Hi guys

This is my first blog on this forum so here goes.

Having been with my wife for 12 years and married for 8, we have a beautiful 5 year old daughter and a lovely house that we spent a long time doing up.
The marriage had been going sour for a couple of years, and I will admit that I ignored the signs and issues that I needed to deal with personally.
My wife asked me for a break in our marriage. I moved in with my sister and her fiancé 2 weeks ago and I have been having regular contact with our daughter, albeit upsetting and confusing for her.
Yesterday, my wife admitted that although she cares for me, there are no intimate feelings there and she sees us as friends so the marriage is over.

My question is, does this feeling of pain and heartbreak ever go? I have been so low for the last month and whilst it's very laid back at my sisters house, I just feel so lost and helpless.
I'm petrified of going it alone in the future and only feel safe when I'm under the covers in my sisters spare room.

Can anyone else relate to these feelings?

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Are there others like me? 3 years 1 month ago #77836

Yes you're not alone. We get used to a certain way of life, to being with the same woman, knowing each other and being comfortable with each other (at least in the good times). It's been nine months for me and I still have feelings for my ex (we were together for 8 years). I still can't see myself being with anyone else because I just don't want to - for me she was everything I wanted from a partner.
Except, she had a bad side - that bit I don't miss.
Some of the things I realised when I was single before I met her was that there are lots and lots of single people out there. Lots of lonely people, people who aren't so confident, people with flaws. There are also lots of ugly couples out there. My point is that whatever you look like, however confident you are (or not), whatever your situation, there will be someone out there who likes you for who you are.
You're going through a kind of culture shock - life has changed and we don't like change. The art of dealing with it is to make yourself the best person you can be and move forward. It sounds difficult but I know I've done it before and I can do it again - I'm sure the same is true of yourself.
Either that or the loneliness will become so unbearable that you just seek love anyway.
There is a bright side - you and some lovely lady out there are going to see life through the rose tinted spectacles of falling in love. Remember how exciting it is, how nothing else matters, that first kiss, etc.
Time will heal. You'll get stronger. Lick your wounds and take it a day at a time. You never know your wife might decide (especially if you meet someone else) that you wasn't such a bad bet after all. Try not to hide yourself away - you'll never meet anyone under the bedclothes or if you do you're going to be a lot luckier than I thought :)
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Are there others like me? 3 years 1 month ago #77843

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Hi there

I'm sorry to hear you are struggling, but it's very early days and you probably haven't even started trying to come to terms with it yet. Once you begin to re engage, take up new activities, start venturing out socially you will start to feel better.

Right now it's enough just to make sure that you are eating enough and getting enough sleep...taking care of the basics will help. Talking will also help, your sister will want to listen and support you I'm sure....as important is being kind to yourself and allowing yourself to feel sad, but without blame.

Concentrate on your daughter and making sure that she makes the transition with as little impact as possible,remaining on good terms with your ex will help your daughter to accept what has happened.

Please feel free to drop by and talk whenever you need to, there's usually someone around.

Best of luck
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DadTalk Moderator... I'm not legally trained and my responses are my own views based on my experiences of the family court. I have plenty of common sense and can offer you emotional support and guide you to answers.

Are there others like me? 3 years 1 month ago #77847

Hi
Thank you for your reply.

It's refreshing to join a forum and hear wise advice and experiences from other users; your comments were refreshing and has helped me realise that I am not going mad, just grieving. I am in a place where I just want to take it easy and go in slow motion for a bit, just until I can feel less numb and more normal.

Thanks once again and speak soon

J

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Are there others like me? 3 years 1 month ago #77853

Hello Headspace,

I am so sorry you are feeling so wretched but it is normal under the circumstances to feel as you do.

You use the word grieving and it is the grieving process and it's various stages you are going through.

You use the words quote, "slow motion" and "numb," these can be symptoms of mild shock.
Whilst suffering these symptoms myself and going through the grieving process a friend of mine whose daughter is a lecturer in psychology said to me, pay particular attention to three things:-
1) make sure you get enough sleep,
2) eat regularly,
3) do what you want to do, when you want to do it. In other words don't put added pressure on yourself by feeling guilty because you feel you should be doing something.

You are definitely not going mad !

Allow yourself time to recover then you will begin to feel better and your ability to cope will return and the future will look less daunting.

Please keep posting to let us know how you are getting on..

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Are there others like me? 3 years 1 month ago #77855

Hi

Thank you for your reply and the advice you have given.

It is comforting to know that my emotions and feelings are normal in the circumstances, however, the thought of moving in to a place on my own is scary now!
I know it sounds really pathetic probably coming from a grown man, but I really do fear the future. I don't have many friends as I am quite introverted so being alone is a real fear.

Dad.info is such a lifeline for me; I am glad I was referred to it.

Sleep is on and off, but that's to be expected. I am using relaxation apps to try and help me, and my appetite is just not there but I am forcing myself to eat.

Thanks again for the advice. I just want to feel normal just for one day

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Are there others like me? 3 years 1 month ago #77858

Hi Headspace,
.
I think you have hit the nail on the head, you are grieving, in the same way you would if someone dies, there is an adjustment period, there is a graph for below, though this one is for change, the process is the same, what you are feeling is normal, and I'm sure if you look you will recognise where you sit on this process. As said you will get through it and come out the other side,
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chilifestyle.net/wp-content/uploads/2015...e-and-adjustment.png
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I'm like you, I don't have much confidence and I don't like mixing with new people I feel, but if you dig deep you can find that detmination from somewhere to start making an effort, at this point the thought of a relationship with someone else is probably the last thing on your mind, but making new friends will help you a lot, there are lots of groups now for so many interests there is bound to be something for you that you can go along too.
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Take a look at a website called MeetUp, its a site with groups all over the country and covers a very wide spectrum of interests, if you can find something that you are intersested in and go along to a meet, I'm sure you will be made to feel welcome, the site has groups and a messaging system, so if you find the group leader, you can exchange some messages with them before hand so you arent turning up not knowing anyone at all.
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As Mojo has said, look after yourself and your daughter, those are teh 2 main priorities at the moment, so although I have suggested the group above, if your not ready for that focus your engery on yourself and your health and ensuring your daughter is coping with the change. On the subject of looking after yourself, have you considered joining a gym? working out, and getting fit, is a great way to build self confidence and it would also help with your eating and sleeping.
.
GTTS
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Last Edit: by got-the-tshirt.

Are there others like me? 3 years 1 month ago #77867

Hi got-the-t-shirt

Many thanks for your reply.

I have never been one for socialising in groups; don't get me wrong, I am very friendly and chatty, even to complete strangers, but I'd always preferred to be mostly alone and prefer acquaintances.

You are exactly right, I need to make sure that I am ok and therefore in a position to be a great Dad to my daughter. So far, whilst living at my sisters, I am taking things very slowly, doing little things like reading novels and going to coffee shops to people watch! This site is invaluable for me because it feels like I'm not alone.

I was a bodybuilder until recently, but I have given up the gym in favour of road cycling which I'd given up 2 years ago. I would rather be out and about getting fit, instead of a stuffy gym which I was starting to feel like it was more of a chore than enjoyable. Besides, I was lifting weights for the wrong reasons, rather than pleasure.

Thanks for your post, it's so appreciated

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Are there others like me? 3 years 1 month ago #77869

Hi all

I was wondering if there are others out there like me -I'll explain.

I am a friendly guy and will speak to anyone. At work I am always joking and have a wicked sense of humour (I work in the emergency services), and I feel I'm quite popular with my colleagues.

But, outside of work, I am quite introverted and don't have any friends I socialise with; I have always had low self-esteem and my only friend and confidant was my wife.
We split up a month ago and I am now living with my sister and her fiancé, staying in their small third bedroom.
We have a five year old daughter which my wife and I are getting on fine to keep the disruption at a minimum for her.

The thing is, all advice I have read about and been told is that you have to socialise with people and get out. The problem is, I feel uncomfortable socialising for the sake of it and I'd prefer to carry on doing what i am doing -road cycling, reading novels, walking and sitting in coffee shops staring off into space, all solo activities!! I agree, it's better for recovery if you have friends and family around you, but I prefer to be alone.

With that though, my sister is away this week on holiday and I have the house to myself and I have struggled because I find them as a bit of security if I need to talk. Also, the thought of moving on is very scary being alone again and I cannot envision it at the moment.

This post seems quite confusing, so is there anyone out there who's able to relate and fathom out what I'm saying?

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Are there others like me? 3 years 1 month ago #77870

Hi Again,
.
I know what you mean about the gym, and it becoming a chore, I go 3-4 times a week, This is my 3rd cycle of going losing lots of weight bulking up, but I get bored so stop going and then the weight goes back on and the muscle turns to nothing, I'm trying harder this time to vary my routine so that I don't get as bored as I'm not getting any younger and if the weight I lost end of last year (2.5 stone) goes back on it will be even harder to shift again.
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I used to cycle a lot but don't really get the time any more and for me the gym is easier, my wife and step son come along too so it's a bit of a family outing.
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You can't beat a bit of people watching, it's got to be the best way to pass time.
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You really aren't alone, many of us have been through seperation, and we have all felt the same not with all cases of course when I left my ex wife, I felt more relieved then hurt as it was a long time coming and I was really unhappy, that was when my second gym sessions started as it was an escape from being at home which I'm guessing is same as you and why you say you were training for the wrong reasons.
.
GTTS

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Are there others like me? 3 years 1 month ago #77871

Hi,
.
I can completely relate, as I said on your other post, I'm not really a social person, I hate big groups and would rather be at home, I work on my own, so I spend at least 8 hours a day with just my own company and I love it, to the extent that on a recoent holiday, I wanted to kill my stepson, he hadn't done anything wrong really, other than his constant chat and and singing, I love peace and quiet and just me time so being in a hotel room with my wife and stepson drove me up the wall. My only escape was being up at 6am every morning (I always wake early) and going for a walk along the beach and sitting on my own with a coffee.
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I think there are many people like you and I, but they go along with socialising as it's what people think is expected.
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You need to find what's right for you, it's easy to say that being with a group of friends is best (and yes I did say you should Lol) but if that's not who you are then it's not really going to help you, maybe for you, take your bike off in to the country side somewhere and just be alone and processing your thoughts would help you more.
.
With your sister away, feel free to chat to us, there is generally someone on line
.
GTTS
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Are there others like me? 3 years 1 month ago #77874

Hello Headspace,

I think most people suggest socializing and getting out because it serves as a distraction from ones own thoughts. I think the things you are doing, reading, cycling and people watching are healthy for you to do as each one of these is a distraction and breaks the cycle of too much thinking and becoming introspective.

A few years ago I found myself on my own, it started as a normal day, there was no warning whatsoever, my husband passed away suddenly whilst we were having a conversation one morning, instantly I was alone and suffering shock. I made enquiries of the Samaritans (available 24 hours a day, everyday) as to whether it was acceptable to 'phone them to talk as night time was the worst time for me. It was comforting to know there was someone there should I feel the need to talk and lessen the loneliness I felt particularly during the night. The fact I knew they were available to talk with was comforting in itself. Like many other people I was under the misapprehension they only concerned themselves with those who feel suicidal but that is not the case. Anyone who is distressed or needs to talk is welcome to 'phone them.

Initially when leaving the house I always left the radio on so that when I returned it didn't appear to be so empty and lifeless.

I've mentioned what worked for me at a dreadful time in my life. You will discover coping strategies that work for you and the pain and fear will lessen and lessen and one day you will notice the sun is shining.
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Last Edit: by MotherofaFather.