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TOPIC: how do i move on, how long does the grief last

how do i move on, how long does the grief last 5 years 4 months ago #49762

Hi there. I am currently in the depths of despair, going through the courts to see my little man. Wife left unexpectedly and relocated 120 miles away, 4 months ago. I've been off work since, unable to eat, sleep, take interest in anything I once took pleasure in. my waking thoughts are entirely consumed by getting regular access to my son. I currently see him for a few hours every 2nd weekend. I cannot describe the heartbreak when I give him back. I honestly feel on the verge of collapse every time. once hes out of sight, mostly in public places, I simply cannot hold back the tears, often crying in public for ten mins or so before I can compose myself enough to start the long journey home. My next court date is soon and I hope to get residential access as I am nothing other than a devoted dad. I cannot see me being able to go back to work at any point soon which has consequences for the keeping of the house. My family have been a great help and try their best but I feel like the living dead just now. sometimes I wonder If I can cope with this for much longer...relationships end sadly and I guess there are cases of dead beat dads who's actions merit exclusion but why do women do it to those of us that want to maintain a bond and simply be a positive influence in the upbringing and welfare of their son. I don't even know my sons address.

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how do i move on, how long does the grief last 5 years 4 months ago #49765

Mate I can totally relate to your situation, what you have written is a carbon copy of how I was feeling when my ex stopped contact with my Daughter and Stepdaughter nearly 9 months ago.

First and foremost you HAVE to try and re start your life for the sake of your Son, he is going to need a strong minded Daddy there for him, In your post you said "I wonder if I can cope with this for much longer". The fact is you will and you have too! how do you think it will affect your Son in years to come knowing that his Daddy took the easy selfish way out? It will destroy him.

I too felt like that and I was seriously considering ending it all I really did lose the will to live and I got a serious kick up the ass off a work friend, I also spoke to the Samaritans who were completely amazing if you do ever feel that way please give them a call on 08457 90 90 90.

Now on the plus side you are getting regular contact with your Son which is awesome there is hundreds of Dads on here who wish they could see their child so be thankful for that man.

You've really got to bite the bullet and get back to work I know it's hard but you have to earn a living to keep a roof over your head and be able to afford to support your son and go and see him, I'm afraid that may get used against you in court if nothing else it will keep your mind busy and get you back into a routine so I think you should make his a priority.

I would also suggest start trying to take good care of yourself as you need to be fighting fit for court, try and do some exercise, eat well and try and keep away from any drink or drugs.

I can promise you there is light at the end of the tunnel you can't let all this consume you I know it's really difficult but you must get back on your feet there is no other option I'm afraid.

All this will be compounded in the end of your relationship so it's a double whammy as I said I've been through exactly the same, I have not seen my Girls for 9 months and the first few months were pure hell on earth I dont know how I'm still hear to be honest (One of the reasons is this site)

Keep posting on here and read other peoples stories and try and offer other Dads help it really does help how you feel about the situation, at the end of the day no one's died you have an amazing son who you see and trust me it will work out in the end.

Take care mate and keep your chin up man myself and many others on this site are there for you and you can private message any of us whenever you like.

Take it easy

Slim :)
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I'm no way trained in Family court matters so don't take my ramblings as gospel but I've been through the Court mill and learned so much along the way I just like passing my experience on to other Dads who face this absolute nightmare from hell, you might not be able to beat the system but don't let it beat you :)

how do i move on, how long does the grief last 5 years 4 months ago #49781

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Hi, Slim has given you some really good advice.

Depending on where you live, you could try attending a Families Need Fathers branch meeting, The people that run them vary & I've heard mixed reports from other members but at least you would meet other parents going through similar situations and it might help to talk to them.

Be kind to yourself and focus on doing the best you can for your son. It might be worth asking your GP to refer you for counselling as well, might help to have someone to talk to that isn't involved in your situation.

Wishing you all the best.....

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Mum and Step Mum, supporting my partner through the Family Court maze. I feel passionately about children having a right to a relationship with both parents and am currently in training to be an MF.

how do i move on, how long does the grief last 2 years 6 months ago #83963

This is the greatest opportunity you will ever be given, to find out who you are and what you are made of. Kids need role models and the best thing you can do for your son is to live a fulfilling life that he can aspire to. The fact you collapse in tears is great, its shows you how important your son is to you, how much you love him. You cry in public - so what it means you have feelings, welcome to the world of Humans, it was a shock to me to!

Your son will grow up, that in itself changes everything. By hanging in there, being the Man and hence Dad you want to be, he will see that.
Maybe not next week but one day. I truly believe "what comes around goes around" and know that everything positive you do now will be seen and appreciated by your son one day.

As for being the Living Dead - you will be and one day it will pass, When I was in despair I talked with a friends/friend in a pub, He had held his 10 year old daughter as she died in his arms from Leukaemia. She was ill for 2 years before dying at home. He grew comfort from knowing she died surrounded by love.

There is always someone worse off than us. I have always tried to know how lucky I am. My kids are healthy albeit affected by divorce. They know I love them.
The more you make yourself crack on with your life, the less guilt you will feel down the line, the more you will be able see the positives .....

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