I'm not sure if this is the appropriate forum to post about this, but at it's foundation I suppose it is related to self esteem, so here goes:
18th august 2013 I was happy, life was good. I had a fiance and a son, and we are all going to move into a new home within the next few weeks. 19th August 2013, I found my fiance had just upped and left taking our son with her. Of course, I was devstated and like many others felt my life had been completely an utterly turned upside down. In my own mind I could not understand at the time why this had happened. I had no choice other than to just suck it up and get on with things.
Of course when the dust had settled a little, I was faced with a decision to make regarding my son, and what kind of part I would play in his life, and his in mine. I chose to be a dad and do all I could for my son, even though any semblance of family life and day to day fatherhood had been removed and would be forever. I'm not laying the blame for this with my ex though, not at all. Perhaps it is my fault that things went wrong in the relationship with my ex. Perhaps I am to blame. I know I'm not guilty of the things she has accused me of. But what will haunt me forever is the unanswered question of was I good enough partner? Was I supportive enough to her when she had PND? Was I a good enough dad to our son in her eyes?
I will never know the answer to those questions definitively. But I'm sure I made mistakes and I paid for them fully, and will continue to do so for the rest of my life. I can see why in my ex's eyes she was angry with me, and perhaps misguidedly used our son to get back at me. Even during the fallout, I tried to arrange contact with me son but she was having none of it, and hence why I chose to go to court.
From the moment you make the concious decision to take that route, you become embroiled in a monumental struggle. And although the mantra, or the outward projection everyone says to maintain is "what is in the best interests of the kids", you want to win, and you want to win badly. At least that's how I felt. Good or bad, that's the way it was. And although I never let my desire to win the struggle negatively affect my son, I would be a liar if I said I did not want to "win" the court battle. This winning mentatlity, this desire to see your children, it take it's toll on you, not only mentally, but physically too. I think the two are interconnected. You put everything you have into it, everything.
When I started the process, I had no idea what it involved, but it quickly became evident that you quickly feel like you are under siege. There seems to be a stanadrd approach from the legal profession to attack the father on behalf of the mother. That was what happened to me, and it really does take it's toll. It is incredibly hard to deal with being classified as useless as parent and dangerous to a child. It is difficult to accept constant unfair criticism and your character slowly being slated with each passing day. The fear that you will not see your child again will erode your wellbeing slolwy but surely, until you cling to the last shred of hope with every bit of strength you have in your aching fingertips. At least that is how if felt for me. And this lasted for a year. A long time. Each day much the same.
And then the final day comes. The final hearing. And you get what you desire. You win. That's great right? Of course it is. All that effort you put in for that final outcome that you wanted more than anything, it's fantastic. I won#t deny that. It feels good on both counts, you get to see your child, you defeat the ex.
You should be able to move on from that triumph and go from strength to strength right?
In my case it hasn't worked out like that. As time goes by and you look at the future, even after going through court, I know in my heart I will never be a proper dad. I'm 250 miles away from my son, I see him for 6% of his waking hours each month. I have more time with him than I did before, but I miss him more than I did before. I don't really know how to deal with that, as I simply just block it all out, and it builds up somewhere. But the fact remains the same, I miss out on almost everything my son does on a day to day basis. That hurts. It hurts more than I can tell any of you.
Going forward, I don't have this struggle anymore. I don't have something to drive me on, to motivate me, to consume me. Life is back to how it was before I met my fiance. I have a huge empty void where there was once struggle. I feel empty. I feel I have no purpose.
I'm sure people will say, hang out with friends. I don't have any friends to speak of. My best friend moved away long ago and I rarely hear from him anymore.
People will say get back on the dating scene. That's great for someone who is good with women. I am not. I never was. That is great for someone who has the confidence to do that. I do not have that. Maybe I did before, but now now. I feel devoid of confidence, devoid of any shred of self esteem. I feel like an empty shell with zero purpose. And what woman in their right mind would buy in to a guy like me. None. So that option isn't going to help me.
So yes, I'm not in a good place right now. I feel incredibly depressed, unloved and undesirable. I repeat each day the same. My life is the epitomy of groundhog day. Work (at a job where I'm treated like a number), home, sleep....a repetitive neverending cycle. I wouldn't calling it living. All I have to look forward to is every 2nd week of the month when I see my son.
I suppose all I can do or will do is take each day as it comes and maybe will discover a sense of purpose again, or maybe not......
Simon.