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TOPIC: Brand new Dad

Brand new Dad 5 years 3 days ago #58001

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Hi there,

I am a brand new Dad. My wife gave birth to a baby boy on Wednesday morning, 2 days ago. The birth itself was far worse than I could have imagined, It turned out alright but I just wasn't prepared for the 2 days of induction and then a full and long labour. She was induced Monday morning and didn't give birth until Wednesday at 3am. It ended up in surgery where I nearly passed out and she had to have a spinal block. I watched her sitting on the bed in agony as the by this time crazy strong induced contractions were kicking in, with an anaesthetist trying to stick a needle in her spine and telling her to sit still. She then had the suction cup thing. After all this there was a brief moment of joy as he was lifted out and placed on her chest for 5 seconds. He was then taken away. We looked at each other exhausted but excited. We then started to realise we weren't going to get him back any time soon. I basically broke down, I know I'm kind of weak i guess. It was all a bit much.

Basically they took him into special care, where he stayed until this afternoon. So for 2 1/2 days we didn't have him with us. We could only see him by looking through a plastic incubator, to be honest right from the start this messed with my head. Because they had taken him away almost immediately I hadn't had a proper chance to really see his face. So I then started to think maybe they got the wrong baby. Maybe this plastic box I'm looking into isn't even my baby, I think I experienced a massive disconnect from him,

It was then all about getting him back to us, thats all we wanted. To cut a long story short he came back today, initially I was extremely happy. He was asleep and beautiful. I do love him fully. Then he started to cry and basically to be a normal baby. This was the first time we had, had to look after him. Special care had been doing it for 2 days. So the reason I am writing on here is because I'm finding it really hard. Just having a new baby. Everyone says you get such an overwhelming sense of love and all you want to do is care for him, but for me not having the normal birth and instant hug with him. I am mostly feeling stress and worry.

I know it's early days and that this is the hard bit but does it get easier? did anyone else out there have a similar experience? or feel any of the things I am?

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Brand new Dad 5 years 1 day ago #58027

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Congratulations :) :)

My ex went through the spinal block for about an hour as they couldn't get it to work, and then had a caesarian. As soon as I saw my son was OK (I didn't see the gory end - I was at the 'top' end) I passed out - the nurses just helped me onto a chair and then continued their work (I'm sure they'd seen it all before).

Definitely gets better, though you will be exhausted for a long time.

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Brand new Dad 4 years 11 months ago #58081

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Thanks for the reply. It does indeed get easier. I cried for the first 3 days pretty much. Just needed a good nights sleep and my whole perspective shifted.
I think it's important for some people to know who may be reading this, if you have a disturbing or disjointed start to your babies life, you don't have to feel ashamed that you don't have this extreme wave of emotion and loving for your baby. For some people it takes time to build a bond, for both men and women. He gets cuter everyday and the hard parts get easier.

Thanks

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Brand new Dad 4 years 11 months ago #58111

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and the hard parts get easier.


Except for the nappies - they get worse after a few days :D

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Brand new Dad 4 years 11 months ago #58547

Hi whiplash,

Wow what a stressful birth no wonder you felt so emotional. I would imagine that you would have found the whole experience very scary, being both scared for your baby and your wife.

It sounds like time has allowed your bond to form, how are things going now? Thanks for sharing your experience with us.

Congratulations btw.

Gooner

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Brand new Dad 4 years 11 months ago #58565

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Thanks for the reply.

The whole child rearing experience so far has really emphasised something I feel, about the way men are treated in modern society.
I'm not trying to say poor me at all, but I do feel that everything about birth is all about the women. Everyone has heard of post natal depression in women but not men.
I would say i'm not exactly your stereotypical John Wayne type man. I'm not completely weak but I do have feelings too.

I knew before I had a kid that I would not find it easy. My wife however seemed to be the 100% perfect mum and housewife. It is what she has always wanted to do, it's something she has pushed for from the moment we met. So I assumed foolishly that she would find it easy. She is an amazing, amazing mum, she was also incredibly strong during the birth and supportive to me, but she is finding it very hard to cope mentally now the baby is here. She has cried every day since our son was born.

I am trying my best to support her, trying to do the most I can, however I am now back at work. While I feel o.k. about the whole thing now, and ready to move on and try to enjoy having a son, it's really hard because my wife is basically falling apart. It's making me resent having to be the strong one in a way, when I never claimed to be that. I need time to myself, I've always struggled with trying to be positive about things.

I know fully that I will be a great Dad when he is slightly older. I have an interest in everything the world has to offer. I want to teach him things, take him skateboarding, do experiments with him, show him the world, teach him to play an instrument etc, but right now it is just really, really tough. I totally didn't expect this part at all and wasn't prepared.

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Last Edit: by Wiplash.

Brand new Dad 4 years 11 months ago #58595

Hi Wiplash,

It's normal for brand new parents to find the first few months a bit of a struggle. You need to try to not be so hard on yourself.

I am a little concerned about how your wife is doing at the moment. Has she spoken to the health visitor about her low mood? If not it might be an idea to get her to have a chat with her GP.

It's very important that you both are at your best as the first few months can be (not always) a bit of a struggle. Lack of sleep and the demands of a new baby can test even the most experienced parent.

It's great that you have plans for being a great parent.

Keep talking

Gooner.
The following user(s) said Thank You: Pater In lumine

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Last Edit: by Goonerplum.

Brand new Dad 4 years 11 months ago #58612

Hi Wiplash,

I thought I would share some links to content we have elsewhere on the site that you may find useful. Check these out:

Hanging out with a newborn

Baby's Home: What Next?

How dads affect newborn babies

Your newborn: do's and don't for the first few weeks

Babies and Sleep

You mentioned that you were feeling a little low as well so check this out as well:

Post-Natal Depression: Dads - How it can affect you.

Keep talking

Gooner.

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Brand new Dad 4 years 9 months ago #61472

hey, this must be a month old, but congrats! :)

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Brand new Dad 4 years 9 months ago #61536

Hopefully the baby is a healthy and a joyful one.

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Brand new Dad 4 years 9 months ago #61543

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Hi there,

I just wanted to check back for anyone else reading this about to have a baby and say everything is fantastic.
Time is a great healer, we were both still recovering from a traumatic birth. Our son is absolutely beautiful and really well behaved really.
He is now 3 months old and has started smiling and giggling, you can't imagine unless you've had one what a difference this can make.
All of us are much happier now, no more tears at all. I'm sure we will go through tough times again but for now I couldn't be happier.
It's not all misery.

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Brand new Dad 4 years 9 months ago #61625

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Good to hear you are enjoying the benefits of fatherhood. There are alwasy some bad times, but the good times vastly outweigh them :)

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