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TOPIC: Young stepdad in need of moral support.

Young stepdad in need of moral support. 3 years 8 months ago #73439

  • MaxwellFB
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I have never been a part of a forum before so I will try and keep it brief to start with, and if this works I can go more in depth. Basically I am the stepfather to my partners amazing 10 1/2 month old son, lovely! But the road to getting here is rocky, I was seeing her whilst in a relationship she was seeing me whilst in a relationship (of course), we devoted ourselves to each other but she fell pregnant with her ex partner. To cut a long story short she kept the baby, left her ex when the baby was 9 monts old and myself and her now have a home, a dog and a lofe we are both happy in.

My problem is that throughout all of this we had been planning to have a baby when we finally got out of our previous relationships, for months and months we planned this from finances to accommodation. I now have to live with a baby, treat it like my own and love it like a son. I do this willingly as I love her, thus loving her son as if he were my flesh and blood. But deep down, its always going to be there that he isn't :'(.

I am becoming more and more depressed, at points it is borderline tipping me over that fine edge to a place I do not wish to go and I just need help. I have taken on so much both in myself and financially but I need advice, guidance if you will.

Sorry if this isn't the kind of format these forums are supposed to be laid out in but like I said I am new please forgive me. I am open to private messages and public help as I am sure I am not the only one in this position. Thankyou in advance.

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Young stepdad in need of moral support. 3 years 8 months ago #73440

Hello Maxwell,

It is heart warming to read you have embraced your partner's son.

The one thing in your post which stands out to me is that time is very young. If my calculation is correct you have been living together for approximately six weeks, a very short space of time. During that period you have, to quote you, ".....taken on so much both in yourself and financially.....," I think a very important thing to do is "stand still" and give you and your partner plenty of time to readjust to your new life together and to build a solid foundation for your new family.

As the bond between you and the baby grow stronger, which it will, if you want it to, your thoughts that he is not your, quote "flesh and blood" will diminish considerably. In the near future he will be calling you daddy and that is an incredible feeling and bonding process. In time you will have your own child with your partner but please don't rush into having one at the moment and be under the false impression it would make things better. I don't believe it would.

I do think it very important to give yourself plenty of time to readjust, enjoy what you have and don't add any further pressures on yourself for the time being.

You say you are "becoming more and more depressed," there may be more problems in your life than you have indicated in your post. If there is anything any of us can do to help you further, please don't hesitate to get in touch.
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Last Edit: by MotherofaFather.

Young stepdad in need of moral support. 3 years 8 months ago #73467

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Hi there

A couple of things stuck out to me about your post....the first was my thought that you had both started your relationship whilst still in relationships, and that's often not a good foundation. It may have some bearing on how you feel at the moment, you said that you had devoted yourselves to each other and yet she fell pregnant to her partner, that must have hurt and because of the pregnancy there would have been no getting away from thoughts of her shared intimacy with the other man...even now the child is a constant reminder of that.

Although on the surface it sounds as though you have accepted the baby, you said, "I now have to live with a baby"...... And then you go onto say, "...treat it like my own and love it like a son". Saying that you have to live with him, has an element of you feeling forced into it, which is true as you don't have a choice. You then refer to him as "it" twice, this makes me think that you are far from accepting his presence.

To me this is the crux of your problem, you love your partner and you are aware that to remain together you must take on her baby, they come as a package, but if you are completely honest you are having difficulties accepting him. There's nothing to be ashamed of, it will take time and from the age of the baby I figure you've only been living together for 6 weeks or so....hardly any time at all.

I think once you accept that you are having difficulties, you can start to work on getting past it. It might help to have some counselling, it would also help if you could talk to your partner about it.

Many men bring up other mens children as their own and love them just as much, but it doesn't happen overnight. I'm sure you will get there and starting that process is acknowledging how you really feel.

It always helps to talk, if you want to speak privately you can PM myself or any of the other Moderators and we will do our best to support you. Best of luck.

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DadTalk Moderator... I'm not legally trained and my responses are my own views based on my experiences of the family court. I have plenty of common sense and can offer you emotional support and guide you to answers.

Young stepdad in need of moral support. 3 years 8 months ago #73490

Hi There,
.
I mirror what has been said above, you are in a difficult possition, as you want your own child but are living with a child of another man, I can relate to this, my situation is different but similar, I won't go into detail about the exact situation I am in on the public forum though.
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I live with my partner and stepson, having a stepson isn't the same as spending time with your own child but it can be very rewarding, I have helped my stepson achieve so much over the years, from helping him stop bed wetting, to teaching him to ride a bike, and although he sees his dad every other week, he looks up to me, possibly more than he does his Dad, which is an odd feeling, but he spends so much more time with me, I get him ready for school every morning help him with his homework and anything else he needs. That said it is still different than with your own child.
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I think that as said if you take things slowly you will get there, it's a confusing time at the moment and everything is still very new to you.
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If you are feeling really down as said maybe some councelling would help you to get to grips with how you are feeling, or even maybe a chat with your GP, but I do think if you are able to discuss things with your partner then that would help too.
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You haven't mentioned it so unsure, but is there any chance the baby could be yours? if there is then a DNA test would give you the answer.
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As Mojo has said if you would like a more in depth talk with me then please feel free to send me a private message, you can do this by clicking on my user name on the right hand side of this post, the when my profile loads, under my info and picture there is a link for private message.
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GTTS

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Last Edit: by got-the-tshirt.

Young stepdad in need of moral support. 3 years 8 months ago #73494

heartwarming he embraced his partners son?

Not for me thanks

They were having an affair, she "fell" pregnant whilst having her cake and eating it. Then he has "embraced" being a "father" of a child for 6 weeks when the child had their own father for 9 months.

No moral support from me. Feeling overwhelmed now its all reality.

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Ive been through it like most on here.

Remember to say "it could be worse" is equitable to telling a happy person they could be happier. People feel what they feel.

I have some knowledge of some stuff.

Young stepdad in need of moral support. 3 years 8 months ago #73495

MaxwellFB wrote: To cut a long story short she kept the baby, left her ex when the baby was 9 monts old and

myself and her now have a home, a dog and a lofe we are both happy in.

I am becoming more and more depressed, at points it is borderline tipping me over

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Ive been through it like most on here.

Remember to say "it could be worse" is equitable to telling a happy person they could be happier. People feel what they feel.

I have some knowledge of some stuff.

Young stepdad in need of moral support. 3 years 8 months ago #73501

Hello Twiston,

I notice your comment on the sentiment I expressed in my statement to Maxwell in your post, you say, "heart warming he embraced his partners son?" Your comment, quote "Not for me thanks" indicates you and Maxwell are at opposing ends of the scale on this type of situation. If he chooses to accept a baby into his family which he has not fathered that is his choice, not yours or mine. To sit in judgement and criticise when we know very little indeed of the circumstances is, I feel, being rather condemnatory.

Maxwell. I will take this opportunity to make two comments to Maxwell, first, I made a mistake in my post to you in the respect I referred to the baby quote "calling you daddy." I do not feel this would be acceptable as he has a biological father and the title of daddy should be reserved for him and no one else. Secondly, I sincerely hope you can appreciate the necessity for both the baby and the biological father to have as much contact as possible.

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Last Edit: by MotherofaFather.

Young stepdad in need of moral support. 3 years 8 months ago #73510

I disagree (obviously), and feel free to express my opinion.

there is plenty of information, they were having an affair for a long time, they were planning on leaving their respective partners once they felt "ready" in the meantime mrs fell pregnant by her actual boyfriend who (and we dont know) may adore his child, 9 months in and boom then she leaves him and shacks up with lover boy 6 weeks in with a now 10.5 month old. He hasnt got a family, sorry, he has a ready made one. He is accepting his lover and has a happy life thats depressing him as she has a nipper (it) and wants the child that only left its father 6 weeks ago to call him daddy, sorry he's "ok" with that, Im not. I agree with you on that one wholeheartedly.

The childs father may be on here shortly asking for advice beacuse of two more monkeys. You're entitled to your opinion and I mine. Call me unhelpful, but Id like to help the dad whos jst found out his mrs was having an affair and has taken his baby and shacked up with a new fella before the ink is even dry.

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Ive been through it like most on here.

Remember to say "it could be worse" is equitable to telling a happy person they could be happier. People feel what they feel.

I have some knowledge of some stuff.

Young stepdad in need of moral support. 3 years 8 months ago #73520

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I've deleted the last three posts as I felt they didn't contribute in any way to the thread.

I think we must remember that there are fathers here that have experienced life from the ex partners position and are living with the consequences of that, if bitterness seeps in I think we can all agree why that might be understandable.

Censorship isn't something I enjoy, we are all entitled to express our opinions, which contibutes to lively and interesting debate, but abuse is never acceptable on a public forum. I ask that any further posts are made with that in mind. Thanks.
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DadTalk Moderator... I'm not legally trained and my responses are my own views based on my experiences of the family court. I have plenty of common sense and can offer you emotional support and guide you to answers.

Young stepdad in need of moral support. 3 years 8 months ago #73530

Hi There,
.
I agree with Mojo, as much as I can seee things from both sides here, I think at the moment we have someone asking for our help, and that's where we need to look, The circumstances as to why he needs us to talk with him may not sit well, but he is still here asking he has been open and honest about his situation to be fair.
.

.
GTTS

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Young stepdad in need of moral support. 3 years 8 months ago #73534

Maxwell,

If you're struggling with the financial burden, your mrs should apply to the CMS for money from her ex.

Best Wishes

Twiston

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Ive been through it like most on here.

Remember to say "it could be worse" is equitable to telling a happy person they could be happier. People feel what they feel.

I have some knowledge of some stuff.

Young stepdad in need of moral support. 3 years 8 months ago #73535

Hi, i agree with that t shirt guy and mojo,

"as much as I can seee things from both sides here, I think at the moment we have someone asking for our help, and that's where we need to look, The circumstances as to why he needs us to talk with him may not sit well, but he is still here asking he has been open and honest about his situation to be fair"

And thats the problems i have encountered here myself, how we get ourselves into that certain pickle is our own doing and our own business, we simply come here and ask advice, we dont need to get a hard time as whats done is done.

as i have been mad busy with work i didnt see what grumpy mr twisty had replied but scene as they got deleted its probably best i didnt as arguing on here is not good for anybody.

cheers

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