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TOPIC: Feeling like I Failed

Feeling like I Failed 3 years 3 weeks ago #76336

  • antlen
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Recent developments (which can be read in previous posts) have forced me to come to a decision regarding see my 3-year-old daughter. That decision was the hardest decision I have made and will result in me not pursuing contact with my daughter.

I have been fighting to see her for 3 ½ years (longer than she has been alive), in that time I have been threatened multiple times, spat on, accused of doing vile things to my daughter, emotionally abused and been questioned by nearly 10 times. Now I face a criminal case to prove me and my partner’s innocence, all of this between the ages of 21-25.

I feel mentally & physically exhausted from all of this. I can also no longer see my daughter being photographed by police/doctors etc. and have to listen to lies upon lies about me and my family. The majority of my family and friends understand my decision and say they are proud of me for sticking it so long.
However, there are certain family members who are shocked and disgusted (their words) at my decision. They have accused me of giving up and being a failure. They don’t understand the stress and illness the battle has caused. Also, they say I am being selfish, in that I want to be able to do things people my age do and after dealing with this for 3 ½ I feel it is time I think of myself for once.

Surprisingly, I received the most support from my partner’s mum. She couldn’t possibly imagine how I came to this decision or the difficulty in making it, but she does think it is the right thing to do. I can honestly say that I am surprised, you think you know some people but then realise how little you really do…

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Feeling like I Failed 3 years 3 weeks ago #76337

Hi There,
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This is a very honest post and I can 100% see where you are coming from, a lot of dads and members on this forum won't agree with a decision to stop pursuing contact with your child, but I do understand that there has to be a point where you stop fighting, when you have exhausted all avenues and you have got no where. The courts and the system can do so much, but when you are dealing with an attitude of a mother that doesn't want you to have a relationship with your child, there will come a time when the system can fail. I was told once that a judge can make an order but can't change an attitude and that is so true.
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The stress of fighting for contact takes it's toll on you and you end up in such a state with lack of sleep and in the end it can make you ill, but the worst part is the stress and impact on the child, you say that some members of your family don't understand and that they feel you are selfish, but you are doing this not only for yourself but also your child who needs to be allowed to be a child without having the police follow up on false claims.
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If you want a chat in more detail then please feel free to send me a private message where we can talk a little more openly around these issues.
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Take care

GTTS

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Feeling like I Failed 3 years 3 weeks ago #76349

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I totally understand where you're coming from and can only agree with everything that GTTS has said. Sometimes we have to let go for sanity sake and you're right, you are entitled to a life and your child shouldn't be submitted to anymore of this either.

I know from your previous post that you have done so much to be a part of your childs life so please don't beat yourself up about your decision, that must have been very hard to make.

Perhaps when your daughter is older you can revisit this and try again, but right now you need to put you and your partner first, try and get back to some sense of normality and heal the wounds.

It might be a good idea to start a memory box for your little girl, and fill it with letters, cards and little gifts for the day when you might be reunited. If you are going to send birthday cards, then buy two, send one and put the other in the box.

All the best

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DadTalk Moderator... I'm not legally trained and my responses are my own views based on my experiences of the family court. I have plenty of common sense and can offer you emotional support and guide you to answers.

Feeling like I Failed 3 years 3 weeks ago #76356

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I think it's fair to say that if you were going to act selfishly, you'd have done it long ago, and not try to fight for so long. And it's also apparent that it's a decision that you have not come to lightly, and one you'd rather not make, but that it has been forced on you. At the very least, you need to rest and recouperate. Perhaps you can try again in a couple of years - and if you keep doing that every couple of years until she's a teenager, she will always be aware that you haven't given up.

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Feeling like I Failed 3 years 3 weeks ago #76364

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Nobody can understand what it's like to walk in someone else's shoes and many often speak from a position of privilege without any perspective. I can only echo the words from the other mods - we all know how hard you have fought and nobody would blame you for reaching this decision. I would strongly advise taking GTTS up on their offer of private support and wish you well for the future.

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I have several years experience supporting parents in family proceedings as a McKenzie Friend. I am, however, not a lawyer or barrister and my responses are based on my own opinions or experiences of the family court.

Feeling like I Failed 3 years 3 weeks ago #76371

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Thank you all.

My best mate has said that I should try again in a few years, hopefully my ex will have mellowed a bit by then.

I have started a memory box and will be creating an email account for my daughter, so hopefully one day she will be able to see all the messages from family and friends.

My partner and I had a heart to heart last night and she is terrifed that she will be persacuted because of her disability. I have tried to reassure her however I think it is an issue she has to battle herself. I am hoping the next couple of months will go quickly and that the end result will be a just one.

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Feeling like I Failed 3 years 3 weeks ago #76405

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...your best mate has given you some good advice and it sounds to me that your partner needs some extra support from you right now, as the hearing gets closer she is likely to become more fretful about it...just be there for each other and try not to worry too much...I think your solicitor is right, I don't think they have enough evidence to find you guilty and am surprised that it has got this far.

You know where we are if you need to talk about it....All the best.

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DadTalk Moderator... I'm not legally trained and my responses are my own views based on my experiences of the family court. I have plenty of common sense and can offer you emotional support and guide you to answers.

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