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TOPIC: Child Maintenence payments & agreements

Child Maintenence payments & agreements 5 years 2 months ago #48235

Hi all, I am new to this site and hope it will help me out a bit. I will try and keep things brief and put the last 3 years of my life into a few paragraphs.
My ex wife and I split up 3 years ago. She basically had more time for her female friend than for me, turns out they were a bit more than friends (it hit me hard!) plus she was chatting to guys online and wouldn't stop. Anyway, I always spent my spare time with my kids, everything I did the kids would be with me, she is agoraphobic and has been for 15 years or so, so coupled with her separating herself from me at home and me always taking the kids out at weekend, I felt like a single parent. She has never worked either.
Anyhow, we separated and we are now divorced, but over the last 3 years, I moved out, she stayed in the house and I left with a few basic things but left basically everything in the house so the kids didn't see a massive change, it was bad enough their dad leaving.
After a year, I found out she hadn't been paying the mortgage even though I was giving her £400 a month for this, ultimately the house went to repo, there was nothing I could do.

Then I got made redundant, was out of work for a while and she has always tried to control my life. I was on anti depressants for a while too, life just got me down, but I finally found a new job in February but the pay stinks, I cover my rent and a basic lifestyle and have about £170 a month left after paying the ex and my basic bills (nothing over the top, I don't even have internet at home), we came to an arrangement in that I pay her £125 a month so that I have a this £40 a week for me but also to enable me to take the kids out for a while at weekends, maybe a KFC or McDonalds... I got a letter yesterday from the CSA saying I hadn't been paying her, but I have. I have spoken to her and called them and she says she will tell them we have an arrangement but I don't trust her in the slightest. I am at a point where I now have to make a decision.... I cannot cope with things any more the way they are and she keeps threatening with CSA when she knows I couldn't afford to do it at the amount they would want. I can't cope with her manipulation and trying to control my life any more, I am with someone new now and I think she is doing this because she knows this and wants to try and disrupt my life.... Not sure whether to just go through CSA and cut all ties because I am seriously at the end of my tether with it and her using the kids against me, or trying to. She has completely ruined my life and now shes going to ruin my kids lives if she cant stop, thing is she is the sort of person that likes the sound of her own voice and her way is the only way.... totally unreasonable.

Q: if I was to ask the CSA to take payments, I know where I stand then, no surprises, and will they do any means testing if I struggle?
Q: as harsh as it sounds, should I not see my kids any more and cut all ties with her? If I see my kids she will always be interfering and use them against me as she wont let me have my own life

Sorry if any of this sounds wrong, I just don't know what to do and I am in total desperation now and its going to wreck my new relationship if I am not careful, and I don't want that because I have found true love. thanks anyhow for any responses in advance

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Child Maintenence payments & agreements 5 years 2 months ago #48244

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Hi there

Yes either parent can open a case with the CSA (CSM)... But if you received a letter from them it sounds like she has already taken that step. I would call them on the number that is on the letter you received and discuss it with them. Unfortunately they do not means test, or take into account your outgoings, it is based purely on a percentage of income.

As far as walking away from your children, the answer to that is for your conscience alone and I can't advise you. I do however think that your children need both parents and it will cause them pain if you were to walk away. If your new partner can't understand or accept that they are your children and they need you in their lives, if it were me I would have to reevaluate the relationship...children must always come first in my book.
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DadTalk Moderator... I'm not legally trained and my responses are my own views based on my experiences of the family court. I have plenty of common sense and can offer you emotional support and guide you to answers.

Child Maintenence payments & agreements 5 years 2 months ago #48259

Thanks for your reply, it's really appreciated. U have already called them about it, I think it's partly my fault in being too trusting of my ex in thst she said she would call them when I first started work and tell them we have an agreement in place. It's all quite complicated with everything that's gone on in the last three years but the bottom line is thst she is using the kids and the legal system against me to try and continue to run my life and affect my new relationship. I am fortunate in that my partner is completely understanding and supportive of it all but I can't help feeling that secretly she could do without this when her life is settled and stable. One thing is though that my new partner went through the csa to claim fir her son and gets £3.47 a week and he owes 8k because he never paid. The csa is a total joke and so one sided. Please don't get me wrong, I have always been totally there for my kids and want to continue to do that, I suppose I have just got to a point where it's made me I'll witheverything my ex tries to do and iI feel selfish in saying that behave to start to think about my own sanity and health now ad 3 years of 'what can I do to hurt him and cause hassle' has worn me down to the brink. No matter what conversations I have with her just seem to go out of the window when it comes to logic and stability for my children. It's just so unfair when all I want to do is see my kids and start to rebuild my life, but it seems everything works against me with the csa and my ex. I feel so aggrieved after this amount of time that there are still major issues and with the fact that it's what my ex wife did that caused all this in the first place. I know I will continue to see my kids no matter what, I suppose it's sheer frustration though and thst I don't want my ex controlling me and my life any more. I don't interfere in her personal life and she shouldn't in mine but that's what she is trying to do and it's affecting how I am with my kids now and what I can afford to consign them. My problem is I'm too open I think, she knows where I stand financially and wants every penny I have left after my basic cost of living,,,, and more! Because of her, she's left me with a 20k debt from the house sale too and it just seems it's all about money with her. I really do appreciate your comments. Bottom line is if she goes through the csa she knows I will be bringing in less thst I was getting on job seekers with my rent paid etc and I think that's what she wants, but it's gonna give me a breakdown and I will just back my job in and everyone will be worse off. Really don't know what to do for the best, if it wasn't for my wonderful kids then I'd pray that I'd never met her.... Of I only knew then what I know now. The system is completely wrong and so one sided! Anyhow, I'm ranting out of frustration..... This domesticated man is off to put the washing out...... Thanks

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Child Maintenence payments & agreements 5 years 2 months ago #48261

Sorry for any spelling mistakes, I did go to school, was replying off my phone. Have a great day anyway, off to take my kids out fir the afternoon to the beach :)

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Child Maintenence payments & agreements 5 years 2 months ago #48265

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...I can understand your frustration completely, I think the system can be grossly unfair and gender biased!

I'm glad that your new partner is supportive and all I can advise is that you continue to keep her involved...it's only when we start hiding things or not talking about the effects of what is happening that things go wrong. If she feels the same way about you, she will I'm sure just want to support you through this

Have a great day at the beach with your kids!
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DadTalk Moderator... I'm not legally trained and my responses are my own views based on my experiences of the family court. I have plenty of common sense and can offer you emotional support and guide you to answers.

Child Maintenence payments & agreements 5 years 2 months ago #48280

Thanks mono, helps a little to be able to sound off about it. I have cone tongue conclusion that whatever happens happens. The kids are happy at the park now, ice creams, kfc, a pint of orange and crisps outside the pub for everyone and the beach.... It's great just seeing them happy and laughing, all the things I kiss every day, but at least it's a weekly thing for me to get yonder them like this. Cheers for your help

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Child Maintenence payments & agreements 5 years 2 months ago #48281

Lol miss not kiss lol typos again Grrrr enjoy the rest of your weekend

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Child Maintenence payments & agreements 5 years 2 months ago #48284

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We all need to sound off from time to time....please feel free to vent here whenever you need to...you're amongst friends!

You're spending quality time with your kids and that's precious to them and its what happy memories are made of! It isn't the expensive presents I remember from my childhood, it's the time we spent as a family doing fun stuff that didn't cost hardly anything.. Lemonade and crisps at the pub, a bag of chips and pushing me as high as I could go on the swings! That reminds me, build a sandcastle for me while your at it! Lol

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DadTalk Moderator... I'm not legally trained and my responses are my own views based on my experiences of the family court. I have plenty of common sense and can offer you emotional support and guide you to answers.

Child Maintenence payments & agreements 5 years 1 month ago #48416

lol :woohoo: well had a not so bad weekend in the end, kids had a good time too. :lol:

Update : the ex rang me again at the weekend, she's now saying the CSA I owe £400 from a missed payment (never missed a payment in my life to her, always paid the agreed amount and on time) so I have come to the conclusion I cannot trust her any more and that she's going to lie to suit herself.

Even though she has done this and it's just another thing in a long line over three years of trying to get at me for no reason other than trying to control me, I actually feel a sense of relief. I was always trying to work out how I could pay for my kids, afford to take them out and afford a basic lifestyle, but I have now resigned myself to the fact she's going to go through the CSA and leave me in a position where I cannot afford to do things for and with my children. She obviously has no morals or feeling for ensuring the kids will be able to spend a better quality time with me when they see me but I am sure they will understand one day.
My ex is bitter I think in the fact that I have someone new in my life which is all the reason for all this hassle I think..... very sad!

I have always paid for my kids and despise people that don't take that responsibility, but I think the system is wrong in a lot of cases. Everyone needs a basic standard of living and should be given a basic allowance to live with the CSA. For instance, my bills (rent, gas, electric, tv, phone, water, food, council tax) come to about £900 a month, and I actually cut my food bill down to £80 a month at that. I don't smoke or have internet at home. I am left with around £250 a month after everything and now she will be taking most of that and leaving me with appx £20 a week. She's still going to expect me to take the kids out on that and contribute to uniforms and trips they might have..... like yeah! lol I just won't cloth myself.... lol This is where the CSA need to shake their heads!

Q: is there anything I can do ?? would this be classed as hardship ??
Still not sure whether the CSA will take these arrears that I have already paid but cannot prove either......

At least I know where I stand now, she can only do her worst. I am thankful that I will now be able to cut all ties with her, going to block her number and I won't have her trying to control me any more and I can better get on with my life with the lovely lady that's now in my life and that I am so very lucky to have met. What a contrast in the two, my ex doesn't even deserve to be mentioned in the same sentence as my partner.

Anyhow I thought I would update you and once again thank you for listening and being supportive. I hope you aren't having anything like the issues I am currently having, I hope you aren't.... but it will all pan out I suppose.

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Child Maintenence payments & agreements 5 years 1 month ago #48438

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If the case isn't open with the CSA yet, then there are no arrears because the CSA don't deal with maintenance dating before the case is opened. As above, open the case with the CMS yourself (there's a small fee for this) and use the direct pay (so you don't get their charges on top) and that's all you pay - you don't have to contribute towards uniform/clothes or anything else. The reason for opening the case yourself is that you know for certain when the case is opened so you don't find out after the event that you are in arrears.
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Child Maintenence payments & agreements 5 years 1 month ago #48442

m8 i feel for you , i have only been fighting the csa for 17 months and i know how you feel , just banging are heads against the biggest brick wall ever and know where to turn , it a gisgrace, good luck m8
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Child Maintenence payments & agreements 5 years 1 month ago #48491

just had csa onto me this lunch time. Apparently I owe arrears of £275 from October 2011... lol All because my ex mrs says I didn't pay her that month.... complete joke! I always paid her and on time but apparently her word stands and mine doesn't count... maybe I am a ghost and nobody can hear me. Totally biased load of tosh.......... oh well, at least I still have my health eh, but at this rate not for long....

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