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TOPIC: At the end of my tether tonight

At the end of my tether tonight 9 months 1 week ago #101467

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I have been divorced for 11 years. And there has been non stop drama for all 11 of them. I have always paid maintenance for my 2 girls who are now teenagers. I have lost my job to redundancies several times over the last 11 years. At one point being without work for almost 2 years. All of this time I have either paid over what CSA recommended or of late what they have recommended. I have never once in the time not paid anything. My girls don't go without. My ex and her partner now own the house but I have a share which will pay out when they turn 18. I am remarried and my wife has adult children that live abroad. We both lost our jobs this year again but within a couple of months we found work again. We were fortunate to have good redundancy packages. I have taken a lower paying job to get back into work and I have decided due to so many job losses to change career. My money has therefore dropped. The monthly maintanance money has dropped. Before we lost our jobs we had already booked and planned a holiday away with my children and one to go see my wifes children. We got back today from seeing her children and fetched my daughters. During the trip I have received a text from my ex wifes partner saying we are a disgraceful for going on 2 holidays this year and not paying them more money. They have had my car valued (just bought a car with my severance as I lost my company car), called the cattery where our cat was being kept and asked them how much we paid. They feel that I should be paying far above the recommended CSA payments. My wife has a very good job and the truth be told, pays for this "luxurious" lifestyle we get accused of living. I have endless texts from my ex, her partner demanding more money. Sometimes every day. I have tried not engage. Tried to reason and today, a huge fight broke out which I tried to avoid in front of the girls. My wife is upset because she feels her family always come last and every decision we make is under scrutiny and needs to be explained or justified. We essential were not on holiday but visiting her children and now a huge row has happened in front of my girls with my ex and her partner verbally attacking me in their drive. My oldest daughter has been telling all our financials and showing her mum my facebook posts. I am being manipulated, harassed and pushed from all sides. Should I get some legal advice? I don't know how to make it stop. Its upsetting my girls, my wife and it is really starting to get me down. Where do I stand and how do I make this stop? I want to provide for my girls but its just never enough as far as their mum or her partner goes. Does she have a right to question every single purchase we make? I am at the end of my tether!

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Last Edit: by Kaput.

At the end of my tether tonight 9 months 1 week ago #101482

hi,

thats sounds terrible. you need to be firm with them. tell them to mind their own business. you can take as many holidays as you like :) if your officially registered with CMS, then pay what they tell you to pay. thats it.

keep all the phone messages. message your ex and her partner, that this is causing you a great deal of stress and anxiety, for your wife/children too. you consider all of this as harrassment. and if this does not stop, you will be reporting them to police for harrassment.

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At the end of my tether tonight 9 months 6 days ago #101491

Hi Kaput,

I am sorry to hear that you are being harassed in this way. I agree with Bill337 in that as long as you pay what CSA tells you too, then the rest of your financial situation (i.e. your wife's) is none of their business. As you say, your daughters never go without.

Try and always remain calm when you are being verbally abused and try not to rise up to their level. Walk away if you have to/put the phone down. As Bill337 says, keep a record of all messages etc which can be used as evidence of harassment should you ever need it and tell them that this is what you are doing.

Hang in there and be strong for your daughters and your wife.

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Trained Parent Support Worker and Dad to 3 lively children

At the end of my tether tonight 8 months 3 weeks ago #101705

Hi Kaput, how is the situation?

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Trained Parent Support Worker and Dad to 3 lively children

At the end of my tether tonight 2 months 1 week ago #105977

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Hi

I guess everyone is going through a particularly hard time right now. After my last message things calmed down for a bit because I agreed to pay my ex wife the amount she wanted, even if it was £100 over what the CMA recommends. I did this, to keep the peace and to stop the constant text messages. However, in doing that, I never realised how much extra strain I was placing on my household budget. And have been skimming money off our savings account. Its a very stupid decision but I have been through so many stressful months I guess I felt I just wanted to make everyone happy, especially my girls. And keep the peace. The whole ordeal had really upset my wife and I just was not prepared to have it affect our marriage anymore. However, with the Covid situation, and only being in my new job for 6 months, we have found ourselves in a very tight financial spot once again. When I got told by employer that my salary would be cut by 20% I definitely could not afford the extra money I pay my ex; but compromised and only cut the maintenance by £50. And so she is still getting £50 more than the CMA has calculated.

Well as you can imagine the harassment has started up all over again.

Constant texting and demanding that they cannot live without less than I have been paying. To be honest I don't tell anyone but I suffer with depression and this situation is really getting to me. I just cannot seem to make either side happy right now. My wife feels that I am too manipulated by my ex and my ex feels she deserves more. I am stuck inbetween the two and its making me feel really bad. Every time my phone goes off my stomach is in a knot wondering what is going to be said about me next. Tonight my ex said she was tired of bailing us out....I am guessing she means taking a cut every time our lives seem to bottom out. She asked me why we bought our home if we couldn't afford it. Well. We can afford it. She just keeps wanting to take more money from the pot!
I am trying to ignore the texts. My fear however is that she is definitely turning my girls against us. I have noticed my eldest is getting more withdrawn and money is a very touchy subject. I discovered that my ex makes my daughter pay for her own clothing from her Saturday job because I apparently don't give enough money to them. I think my daughter is now resenting me for this. I have tried to talk to her but she will not discuss it with me and shuts the subject down every time we try to talk about it. I am honestly stuck. If I pay less and give it to my kids the harassment will get worse and worse. My daughters are angry. My wife is angry. And my ex wife and her partner are angry. And I am stuck in the middle of a very difficult situation. And I am angry too. I am now not replying to any text messages. However I can sense that another altercation when I drop or pick up my girls is imminent and I am trying my best not to get into any situations that may end up with another Jerry Springer showdown!

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At the end of my tether tonight 2 months 1 week ago #105978

hi,

sorry to hear your having a very tough time. i think you need to focus on your household and your partner. if my ex ever demanded more money over the CMS rates, I would tell her to get lost and get a job. your suferring now due to your pay cut, and its putting a strain on your
finances & relationship. i would advise you to stick to the CMS amount. just ignore her messages and calls. keep your phone on silent if its stressing you out so much.

if she stops you from seeing your kids, all you can do is take it to court.

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At the end of my tether tonight 2 months 1 week ago #105979

I'm really not sure why you're paying over the CMS amount at all. Should not be a penny more.

You say it's to stop the texts and keep the piece?

Really, you pay £100 a month because of some annoying texts? How about you ignore them completely?

What's the worst that could happen?

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At the end of my tether tonight 2 months 1 week ago #105986

I would only pay the csm amount then you can spend the 50-100 pounds on your daughter instead of giving it to ex.

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At the end of my tether tonight 2 months 1 week ago #105990

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i agree, get a new cheap phone and give her the number to use, and only switch it on when you want to, that way you take back control. Pay only what you are required to by CMS and save the rest.

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At the end of my tether tonight 2 months 1 week ago #105998

You are suffering from what many see from their Ex wives. Mine is similar, doesnt matter how much CM I pay TBH, she still tells the children, friends, anyone really that I am not paying anything. Also makes my daughters pay for things that they shouldnt, but wants to keep the myth going that she does not have enough money. She earns pro rate £50K+ per year for 3 days a week and has a mortgage free house and my CM, but she would never admit that she is fine financially.

So the moral is, your Ex will whinge and complain however much you pay her, so you may as well ignore it where you can, just pay what is due and perhaps provide some extras direct to your children to help that relationship.

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At the end of my tether tonight 2 months 1 week ago #106012

This saddens me. I understand that you are being harassed, so be smart, change you number, your children are old enough you need not have contact with your ex. Stop putting stuff on social media that can be used against you, your children are likely being harassed and manipulated into disclosing information about your life, best keep it private, for their sake. Additionally, your finances are not your children’s business, stop engaging in conversations at different this subject, and keep your business to yourself. Approach CMS and discuss the matter of clothing, tell them your ex is not using the money paid and you feel your children are being neglected. Finally, be honest with your children, tell them you are feeling pressure, that it’s effecting your mental health, and that they need to stop putting pressure on you. They are not babies, you do not need to pick them up and drop them at their mothers door like a chauffeur. Work out the problem areas and set clear boundaries. With yr children, and your ex.

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At the end of my tether tonight 2 months 1 day ago #106205

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Hi thank you so much for all the messages! I really appreciate the support. I have been ignoring all the messages from the ex. Every one of them stating she cannot drop £50 a month under any circumstances. As I have been ignoring all the messages, last night she text saying she will be contacting my family this week for financial help. This has obviously now turned into an unacceptable situation to say the least!!!! I am fuming.
So I have decided to call the CMS today to open a case. She will then lose a lot more than £50!

However I am a bit concerned as I have always had a private arrangement with her and I have not read great things about paying through CMS directly. I cannot see any other way through this! My intention will then be to give the girls each a bit of the extra money I have been paying their Mum.

No doubt if £50 less has caused so much fuss, her getting £100 pound less is going to start world war 3. But I am not sure how else to approach the situation anymore. The private arrangement is no longer working in my favour. And the harassment is ever increasing. Is there any other way of doing this?

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