I'm going to sound horrible in this thread, but I am going to be honest so apologies in advance, my ex partner, I'm not going to go into the parentage dispute topic here as that is for somewhere separate, however I am paying above what I should be paying for maintenance, on the scale. My ex keeps asking for more, she is breaking contact last minute and is generally abusive when she doesn't get exactly as she wants.
She isn't spending the money sensibly and never has, living on takeaways and smoking etc. Even before the child was born she was spending money I had given her on new mobile phones and other unnecessarily things.
I am at wits end with this and I can't believe I've just let it happen and happen and happen.
Has anyone gotten any advice or been in a similar situation to me?
Regarding the money, if you are paying over the odds, I suggest you get the child support to calculate exactly what you should pay and pay and explain that to your ex. If she refuses contact, then take it to court and get it sorted out as this is just not on.
unfortunately whether we pay through private arrangement or via CMS, we can not decide how the money is spent. if your paying above what you should be paying & she keeps demanding more, then maybe you could consider signing up with CMS. are you paying as private arrangement?
She is incredibly difficult, the parentage issue I am frightened to confront her with as I have doubts, I sound awful saying this I just cannot believe I have let this go on and on and on, there is no legal framework as of yet, would it be an idea to challenge this legally?
This isn't uncommon. I would open a case with CMS yourself - costs a £20 oneoff fee, and then pay exactly what they say, and no more. If you have doubts about the paternity and you want to go down that route, then raise that with CMS - you will have to pay for a paternity test, but if she refuses, or it comes back negative, then you don't pay any more maintenance and you may get the cost of your paternity test back.
I agree with the above - you aren't going to win or gain favour by paying more (if you do, it will be short lived and she'll want even more) so look at court proceedings, it sounds like the only way to take back some control over your own life.
Thank you for your help, I can't help but feel awful but the ex partner will make my life as deliberately awkward as she possibly can, I'm kind of pouring out all my doubts on here but none of this has been right from the start.
Doesn't cms charge on the money that is sent out and received?
if you speak to them, they will work out your maintenance and can send you confirmation letters in post/email. might work on your ex. this option is not tied to your neck like CMS.
with CMS they review your income every year. the more you earn, the more you pay. you pay more if you work overtime, get bonuses etc. they have direct pay option, where you don't pay charges and you pay money direct to ex account. they only charge you when you don't pay and they take enforcement action.
My experience of the CMS is so bad you would not believe. You may have read about the guy who is not the Father who they made to continue paying in the newspaper over last weekend? Google Dad pays £38,000 for child that is not his and click the Hull DM link at the top - that guy is me!
So my advice, think twice before using the CMS, you might save money in the short term, but long term they will try to force you to pay their fee's, make your life hell and - well just stay away from them!
Tell you EX you want a DNA see how she reacts, who cares if she kicks off - she is anyway. Pay nothing until you have had one - she sounds like someone with no scruples so I am sorry to say you never know. If it turns out the bairn is yours, use the CMS calculator, work out what you would have to pay and offer her that amount, explain they will take a percentage off her so she will get less anyway if she does not agree. Make sure you pay via a bank transfer, not cash! Pay that amount and NO MORE!
Then look up Mackenzie's friends, they can advise you on taking it through the courts in regards to access - although do not hold out much hope, they're biased towards the woman and even if you do get a good deal, they do sod all if the woman breaks the court order. The good thing though, well once you get all that sorted you can just tell her to 'do one' and not have that hassle in your life.
I did read your article, it seems the law is balanced with double standards. Thank you for all your support on here, I have a very good indication the child is not mine... She is now trying to pressure me into signing everything... This sounds awful but it just doesn't seem right, I don't know how to go about sorting this, I'm almost ashamed to say that this is affecting my mental health now.
She is unapproachable completely and she will not agree to a paternity test at all.
Can someone help me as I am at wits end I don't know how to confront her with this, the money doesn't even bother me it's the principle of it
My understanding is that where parentage is disputed it can become complex and legal advice should be sought (unless there is someone on here who is knowledgeable) as it is not simply a case of accepting no contact as what if child is yours but at the same time if this child is not yours looking at whether you should accept walking away due to no legal rights even if you have build a bond and relationship. Getting a DNA test can be notoriously difficult if your ex doesn't play ball as I think an earlier poster who has been in the news has explained.