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TOPIC: My Dad - I cannot cope any longer.

My Dad - I cannot cope any longer. 4 years 3 months ago #64675

:boohoo:

Hello DadInfo.

My name is Archie. I am 16, and no, I'm not a dad but I need help finding MY dad. I am Autistic and have grown up without a proper dad which has made a huge dent in my life.

When I was alot younger, I used to go to the top of the stairs of our home and hear shouting, screaming and the occasinal bottle smash whoch realy upset me alot. It used to keep me awake for ours because the noise continued to ring and ring in my head. Autism does that. It's horrible and I will never forget said sounds. I still have a vivid memory of them today.

After alotore violence abuse and shouting my mum had enough and took me away from him and they proceeded to get divorced. The home which I grew up in was sold and it was gone before I could say goodbye. We live near to it still and it still hurts even today when we pass it in the car. It's also on my bus route to work which puts me in a depressing mood for work. Anyway, we moved out but only about a 10 minute drive away so it was still fairly local to schools / town. It was just me,my mum and my sister. My dad however had moved into a flat about 20 minutes away from my new 'home' so I only saw him every other weekend. Which was nice but also a pain. But when I was there I was alot hapoier, more comfertable and felt safer rather than when I was with mum. It was noticable.

However after a year of my dad living in the flat he decided to move very close to where my mum was which was amazing for me and my sister. Ateast it seemed like it was a good idea. I could see a very big change in my fathers behaviour and attitude towards us both. Sister and I. He seeed more stressed than when he lived in the flat. Something had happened.

It was nearing the time of the london marathon of 2008 and my mum was doing itthat year so Iwas with my dad watching the TV coverage. My dad had told me and my sister that he was moving to new zeland....tomorrow... and that I wont see him for a long time but then he produced us both laptops so 'we could stay in touch.' HA! Did we heck stay in touch. Since he left he changed his number deleted email accounts and blockdd me on everything. Facebook etc. Haven't heard from the man since he left.

Jumping forward in time to a few weeks before this post, I found emails beteeen my sister and my dad planning for me to be flown out to New Zeland to visit. My sister being the clever cookie she is she pursuaded him to not fly us out. I wont go into detail. However by the looks of the emails, it aas very close. All of these emails were from a non-existant hotmail account but ONE was from a chrous.co.nz domain name. Me being into computers etc, I did some magic on hos email server and verified that the email is actove and is being used everyday pretty much. I then sent a lengthy email. I resend it every day to try and get my message accross. I want my dad back. Since my dad leaving my mum has remarried which don't get me wrong. I'm happy and all but I have never liked the guy. We also moved into his house. Since then my Autism has only declined to shiitier symptoms. After tracing my emails they all came back as opened. I then proceeded to contact chrorus and they couldn't give any info out of course which I totaly respect.

So my questions to the users of dad.info are:

Do i get my step dad a present for fathers day?
Should I give up hope and not try to find him anymore
Should I Ship a fathers day present to new zeland to his work?
How else can I find him considering what I've already tried above?

Thank you so much for your time
Archie x

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My Dad - I cannot cope any longer. 4 years 3 months ago #64678

Hi Archie,

Thanks for posting, It would seem that as your emails aren't being read that it could be your father isn't looking to be in contact, if you know where he works, maybe you could send a fathers day card with a letter in it, hopefully he would read it and it may make him think though as he hasn't read or answered your emails I would set expectations low and not excpect any reply.

As for your step dad, I would say yes, get him a present, I know you may feel like you don't like him, but is some of that coming from the fact he isn't your real father and that you miss your dad so much, get him something and treat him, he is there for you everyday.

Don't give up hope on your dad keep trying but also don't expect too much in return from the card you send (if you send one)

Have you spoken to your sister about the emails exchanged between her and your dad?

GTTS

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My Dad - I cannot cope any longer. 4 years 3 months ago #64683

Great post Archie, thanks for sharing it with us.

I agree with gtt - a fathers day card (at least) and token present (if that is all you can manage) for step-dad - he's been there for your mum and you guys...& will appreciate it.

Don't give up hope with your dad - sending him a fathers day card would be ok but don't set expectations very high for a reply.

I think you are very smart and identified where your real dad is & works.
A lot has happened since 2008 and it must have taken a lot for your dad to move so far away and build a new life.
Perhaps he does not want to be found right now...

Be patient and set expectations low for your real dad right now - but why not try to make the most with your step-dad - he's there after all.

A wise turtle once said -
* "Use your skills for good...Find the one thing you were denied so long ago.”
* Reply: “My pants?”
* “...Compassion...”

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My Dad - I cannot cope any longer. 4 years 3 months ago #64686

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Hi Archie

When I read the title of your post, I was instantly concerned, but once I read it I felt reassured by your bravery and resilience....I understand how hard it must be for you and the effect it has on your life, but I don't think you realise how strong and capable you really are! You are articulate and write like someone years older and had you not mentioned your Autism I would not have known....well done Archie.

Do you want to get your step dad a present? Is it something you have done before and is there a reason you are unsure? My children have a step dad and they show their appreciation by buying him a card and gift on Father's Day. There are lots of family's now that have step parents and you can buy cards that reflect that. For instance there are cards that don't say Dad but say " you're like a father to me" I'm sure if you browse in a good card shop you will find a card that best suits what you want to say and that you will feel more comfortable with.

Never give up hope Archie, but as everyone has said try not to have expectations. I think it would be a good idea to send a card to his work and include a photograph perhaps.

Sometimes people get things wrong, make the wrong choices and don't know how to make it right. Just because your dad hasn't got back to you doesn't mean that he doesn't want to know you ....he could be feeling guilty and embarrassed about losing contact and not know how to say sorry....sorry is only a little word but it takes a big person to say it. I hope with all my heart that one day you and your dad will be reunited.

Have you spoken to your Mum about how you are feeling? How did your sister trace him in the first place and what were her reasons for keeping you both apart? She probably felt that she was protecting you, when a member of the family has difficulties, we all rush to protect them as much as we can and sometimes we forget that the loved one we are trying to protect also has the right to make important decisions for themselves....maybe this is what is happening in your family.

Does your Dad have any family here in the Uk, that might be one way of tracing him...I think it would help to speak to your Mum and sister and find out what they know. Reassure them that you are strong enough to deal with it, but you need to know where your Dad is because its the not knowing that's the hardest thing to deal with.

I wish you every success in your quest to find your Dad, if you ever need to chat about how you are feeling we are here to listen.

Best wishes Archie and stay strong x

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Mum and Grandmother, supporting my son who has residency of his son.
I want to see a much fairer system in place, where Dads and their children have a voice that can be heard.
There are many groups of people that have equal rights within our society and its about time Dads were given equal rights too.
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