Super Mario wrote: ...anyway Gooner we are still waiting for your tale otherwise I am going to make one up for you!!!
It's OK Mario ...I've got this one.
This is a story of star-crossed lovers; the young Gooner, from The House of Gooner and his sweetheart Juliet of The house of Spurs [names have been changed to protect the innocent].
Gooner and Juliet were just teenagers when they fell deeply in love, but their families - The Gooners and the Spurs were bitter enemies.
Regardless of the feud between their families they met in secret at London derbies, where he would bravely walk onto the pitch, in a false moustache, clutching the great Jimmy Greaves' hand; King of the Spurs. She, a Tottenham mascot, walking out with George Armstrong; head of the House of Gooner.
They made every effort to conceal their love and arranged a marriage in secret, at an undisclosed, neutral, location somewhere along the Road of The Seven Sisters.
Juliet had a cousin called Linekar, who was a ball boy at the house of Spurs. Linekar recognised Gooner at one of the Tottenham games and threatened to revoke his season ticket. Now, Gooner’s best friend, a chap called McLintock and a bit of a geezer, didn't like this. He tried biting his thumb at Linekar, but that didn't really do anything, so he went to Gooner and said "That lowlife is disrespecting this house; wha' you gonn' do 'bout it".
Gooner protested that he was more a lover than a fighter; causing McLintock, incensed (not least of all by Gooners own cowardly behaviour), to take matters into his own hands: "you is direspecting da family, Linekar, you better takes it back man, or I will bite both my thumbs in your direction". Linekar couldn't understand what he was saying, possibly due to the number of thumbs in his mouth, combined with the affected Ali G accent, so had him evicted from the stands and given a life ban. As McLintock lay on the floor, his life pass seeping from his grasp, he put a curse upon the houses of Gooner and Tottenham "A plague o' both your stadiums" he cried.
Gooner watched his friend motionless on the floor and in a rare moment of anger leapt upon the ball boy Linekar and sliced his season ticket in half. Linekar dropped to his knees and a life time of Tottenham matches passed before his eyes, as his vision slowly faded to a white light at the end of the tunnel.
Now, the Spurs House was a bit miffed by this and insisted that Gooner should have his Gooner colours removed, his season ticket revoked and be sent away from this place and forced to live at the Bridge of Stamford, for ever.
Meanwhile, a marriage was arranged between Juliet and Gasgoyne; a vile man whom she detested, but a great potential leader of the Tottenham family, nonetheless. She could not bear it, her heart belonged to Gooner. So on the night before the wedding, she devised a plan, with a local referee. She was to tear up her season ticket and lie down to sleep, then when Gascoyne realised the he could not attend any matches with Juliet, he would leave her ...the referee would then Selotape her season ticket back together again.
But tragedy ensued. Gascoyne came in to find Juliet asleep with her life pass broken before her. Gooner arrived a moment later and was a bit peeved by what he saw. A fight ensued between Gascoyne and Gooner and Gooner ripped Gascoyne’s season ticket from him, cutting it into many pieces. Gascoyne was broken. Defeated. Gooner then took one last look at his childhood sweetheart, before pulling out his own season ticket and biting it into a thousand pieces. As Juliet awoke and started to Selotape her own pass back together, she realised what had happened and ripping it once again, threw it into the air and dived to the floor in dramatic fashion. The referee was not impressed, but he let it go, just that once.
The heads of the two families, Greavsy and Armstrong met at the scene to find the floor littered and stained with torn shirts, season tickets and Selotape. They looked to each other and agreed it was time to reconcile the lifelong family feud between the Gooners and The Spurs.
...and the rest, as they say, is history.
[Scene closes with a young Dimitar Berbatov, in cleaners overalls, sweeping up the fragments of ticket. The curtain falls. Sounds of weeping from the terraces.]