TOPIC: unloved and hated in marriage

unloved and hated in marriage 4 years 3 weeks ago #64988

Hi,
I am new to the site, never thought I would need to use such a place, im not a net social kind of guy but I don't know where to turn..
My wife of 10 years (16 years together) has just told me she doesn't want me anymore.
I am apparently a controlling husband, but a great father to our 2 children..
She wont talk about it and seems to have it all worked out, I am now shit on her shoe and chucked out with the rest of the people she doesn't get on with (mum/step dad/dad/sister)
I have always done everything she wanted, brought house, had a dog, got married, had a baby, had another baby..
I have supported her for our entire life together, moving jobs to ensure the best life for our daughter.
I have always taken care of everything, shopping, budgets, cooking, childcare on shifts off.
I have been the provider, supporter and father/husband that I aimed to be, no friends, no social life, nothing but my family.

Now I have had that smashed, by the person I thought the most off, my soul mate, my best friend. I really thought we were forever, different to others.
She has turned the screw yesterday and again today, I feel battered, low, to the point that I left today, breaking my heart and my kids.
I was going to end it all, I had it planned, I feel so low and without the support of my dad, I would of gone through with it.

I am considering seeing a councillor nest week to try and cope but I have got no idea what to do next.
Please can anyone give advice, anything will be greatly received.

Please don't think this is a cry for help etc, I am a strong, driven, focused and have a fiery red characteristics but this is out of my comfort zone, I don't know what to do

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unloved and hated in marriage 4 years 3 weeks ago #64990

Hey and welcome to the forum :)

First and foremost try and get thoughts of ending it out your head I've been there and someone said to me "you selfish prick you will destroy your childs life in the process" which hit home big time.

Like yourself I never thought I'd end up on a site like this and I certainly never thought I'd be phoning the samaritans! Give them a call they are absolutely brilliant.

I too felt so lonely after loosing the closest person to me this site was an absolute god send you can be sure as hell you will always have support from everyone on here :)

You sound like a top bloke and devoted husband and father, do you think your wife will be willing to go to relate? They are brilliant.

How old are the children?

Slim :)
The following user(s) said Thank You: actd, Nannyjane, got-the-tshirt

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I'm no way trained in Family court matters so don't take my ramblings as gospel but I've been through the Court mill and learned so much along the way I just like passing my experience on to other Dads who face this absolute nightmare from hell, you might not be able to beat the system but don't let it beat you :)

unloved and hated in marriage 4 years 3 weeks ago #64994

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Hi and welcome on here.

As slim says, there are lots of options at this stage, and while I can't pretend it's all going to be good, you still have the chance to do something about the relationship with your family. This is just the start of the process, and I'd certainly look at Relate as a first option, and whatever else, your children certainly need you in their lives.

Keep talking - this place is good for getting your thoughts straight.

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unloved and hated in marriage 4 years 3 weeks ago #64995

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Hi there

You've come to the right place....you've started talking and reaching out for help and we will do all we can to help you.

Mr Slim was in the same place as you when he first came here, he is back on track and better than ever now.

Thank goodness for Dads....it's great that you have family to turn to....where would our kids be without us.... Something that you have already thought about. Through all the hurt that you are feeling right now, that's the most important thing to hold onto in all of this....your children need you more than ever now, you will find a way through this.

NJ ...x

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Mum and Grandmother, supporting my son who has residency of his son.
I want to see a much fairer system in place, where Dads and their children have a voice that can be heard.
There are many groups of people that have equal rights within our society and its about time Dads were given equal rights too.
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unloved and hated in marriage 4 years 3 weeks ago #64997

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.....you said you have left, have you got somewhere to stay afrench?

You will be all over the place right now and it's important that you take extra care of yourself and lean on the people that love and care about you.

Can you let us know that you are ok and safe, even if you don't want to talk right now.

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Mum and Grandmother, supporting my son who has residency of his son.
I want to see a much fairer system in place, where Dads and their children have a voice that can be heard.
There are many groups of people that have equal rights within our society and its about time Dads were given equal rights too.

unloved and hated in marriage 4 years 3 weeks ago #64999

Hello Afrench108,

Well done for reaching out, we are here, and are ready to listen and offer any support.

Speaking to a counselor is a good idea. I agree with everyone else, there are options and many of us have been where you are before.

Does your wife have someone she can talk to about this? It will be useful for her to speak to someone neutral as well, to help her work through her thoughts.

Relate is certainly a great place to start.

May I also recomend you look at our relatuinship section - dad.info/relationships/troubleshooting1/how-to-argue-better , this article may help give you some advice and guidance on how you can work through some of the difficult conversation.

Keep talking to us, and please look after yourself.

Thank you for reaching out.

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Having worked with fathers, male carers and their children for over 14 years, I believe greatly in the value that fathers bring to their children and equally the value that children bring to their fathers.

unloved and hated in marriage 4 years 3 weeks ago #65002

Morning,

How are you feeling today?

As already said lots of us have been where you are now, we have had the same thoughts and have felt like there is no where ales to go, but think of your children and how much they will need you now more than ever, they will be feeling a bit lost too as they weren't expecting any of this.

I hope after some sleep you are feeling a little clearer today, talk to us and we will support and help as much as we can, we are all here for you.

If you don't want to discuss things openly on the forum feel free to send me a private message and I will respond (to send private message click on my user name at the side of this post and it will take you to my profile then on the left under my details is the message tab

GTTS

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unloved and hated in marriage 4 years 3 weeks ago #65010

Hi,
Thanks for all the support, it means so much to know I can open up.
I have stayed in my home, yesterday was a gut wrenching low day for us.
I have in my head that it will all blow over which I think is a mistake, I have read msg's back from my wife and its just come like a bolt of lightening, she seems fine, like she is free and I feel like she had all this planned in her head.
She refused my offer of counselling together, said she doesn't want this anymore.
That's what I am struggling to come to terms with, chucking the towel in, we have been through so much in our life's.
I am also concerned with financial situation we are in, like most people, what comes in goes straight out, we are both in iva's and have personal debts to my parents.
All this ontop of a failed relationship makes it very hard for me at present.
I don't know where to turn for the next step??

I feel like a big black hole is swallowing me up..
Like I am being sucked in..

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unloved and hated in marriage 4 years 3 weeks ago #65011

How old are the kids mate? I was just thinking maybe its PND if they are babies?

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I'm no way trained in Family court matters so don't take my ramblings as gospel but I've been through the Court mill and learned so much along the way I just like passing my experience on to other Dads who face this absolute nightmare from hell, you might not be able to beat the system but don't let it beat you :)

unloved and hated in marriage 4 years 3 weeks ago #65012

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Thanks for getting back to us afrench, we just want to be here for you.

When hit by a bombshell like you have it's hard to stop all sorts of other worries from crowding in, worrying about the finances is understandable but it won't help right now....concentrate on you and the kids.

As a parent of grown up kids I know how much I would want to help my child if something like this had happened to them... Talk to them and let them support you. Make sure you eat and try and get enough sleep, attending to the basics will help to keep your strength up.

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Mum and Grandmother, supporting my son who has residency of his son.
I want to see a much fairer system in place, where Dads and their children have a voice that can be heard.
There are many groups of people that have equal rights within our society and its about time Dads were given equal rights too.

unloved and hated in marriage 4 years 3 weeks ago #65016

My children are 8 and 5.
I have offered an olive branch today, a complete fresh start. Sell home, counselling, I will change everything but it's not enough for her.
I have begged and now I have to accept it.
That is the hard part.
I am considering speaking to my doctor tomorrow as I need help dealing with this, yesterday proved it to me.
I will also speak to my iva practioner, maybe a quick easy cut off is bankruptcy.
I will also try and seek legal advice as I don't have a clue what's next.

Again, thanks for the support.
Adam

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unloved and hated in marriage 4 years 3 weeks ago #65020

First and foremost concentrate on yourself and get your head straight else you will be good to no one if your heads in the shed, this will be a very upsetting time for the kids so they need a good strong father to be there for them.

Go and see your doctor tomorrow see what he has to say try not to look to far in the future as it will pickle your head take things one step at a time and deal with every issue when it comes up we will be here every step of the way for support and advice most of us have been through it.

Take care

Slim :)

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I'm no way trained in Family court matters so don't take my ramblings as gospel but I've been through the Court mill and learned so much along the way I just like passing my experience on to other Dads who face this absolute nightmare from hell, you might not be able to beat the system but don't let it beat you :)