TOPIC: unloved and hated in marriage

unloved and hated in marriage 3 years 9 months ago #65029

Hi,
I am considering leaving for a few days, I have spoken to my manager who has supported me and told me to take time off so my job will be safe.
I can't carry on trying to sleep on the sofa, while my wife just goes about like nothing has happened.
Its killing me.
I have a busy day ahead and I don't want to feel regret when I leave my children but I can't stay trapped, suffocating in this house, I feel ill, sick, weak, tired and have constant pain in my head and chest.
I have a feeling my wife is planning to take my children away, she works at a school, finishing July 10th for holidays, my children finish just after so it would be ideal for her to run.
She has only 1 place to go and its 180 miles away.
I have been looking at court orders to stop this, is this the right way to do it and is it going to work?
She is cold, heartless and selfish, pretends she has our children's life at the foreground and most important thing but she is using them just like everyone else in her life.
Thanks for taking the time to read, advice or care.

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unloved and hated in marriage 3 years 9 months ago #65032

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Hi afrench,
Many of us have been in your situation and understand exactly how you feel. This will be the most difficult part of your life, you will not feel like it but you will have to remain logical to achieve a tolerable solution.
It sounds like the root cause of this is money, unfortunately this is a well trodden path and one of the most common causes of women wanting to leave their marriages. You mention that money is tight, you both have IVAs and owe money to your parents. Normally the general idea is that the mother gets rid of the father, walks away from the debts, keeps the kids, the state draws a direct line between the kids and money so she keeps the assets (probably a house) and receives CM. Sort of a neat solution and very common.
What can you do about it? The first thing is DO NOT MOVE OUTOF YOUR HOUSE, if you do you will lose the house but still pay the mortgage, your wife will accuse you of abandoning her and the children so you will find it difficult to see them again and you will end up living under the railway arches. I know this is very difficult, I know you don't like sleeping on the sofa, I know you don't like the situation but DO NOT MOVE OUT OF THE HOUSE. Pretty soon your wife will probably try to get you to move by calling the police and accusing you of DV, unfortunately police policy is to side with the female where there is an accusation of DV (this has been corroborated by a serving inspector and a sergeant I know independently. Sad as it is, it is what society wants), you will just have to deal with this. Do not get upset, cooperate with the police and protect your kids. If you do go away for a couple of days respite make it clear that is what you are doing, write it down and tell your kids, neighbours, employer &c, otherwise you may well find the locks changed when you return (this would be illegal, but I'm afraid you will never get anyone to enforce it).
I'm guessing you want to remain with your children, and they are key. It is probably worth applying for a residency order (not necessarily anything to do with divorce) right now. Once that is done the children's residency will be seized by the court and your wife will not be able to move them (or change schools &c) until the legal process is sorted. Someone else on this site much more knowledgeable than I will tell you how to do that bit. If your wife does have a plot to take the kids and run away, leaving you with the debts, then this bit will really upset her as it will scupper that plan, so expect a backlash.
Put you kids first, you sound like a good dad, but become an even better one. They need protecting (by you) now, your wife will probably try to stop you forging closer bonds with your children, so beware of accusations of DV and abuse (these may well happen anyway in order for your wife to qualify for free legal aid). I think you said your kids were 8 and 5, so their wishes will start to become important in the residency issue. Shared residency is well worth trying for, but you will have to demonstrate you are able to look after them (staying in the house and keeping your job are good ideas, particularly if your wife's plan is to move away and live in someone's spare room, give up her job and live on state benefits).
I will not pretend you are not in for a rough ride, and it may well get worse before it gets better, but don't give up. Your children need you just as much as they need their mother, but you will have to be level headed, logical and proactive to get a good deal for them (which coincidentally will be a good deal for you).
Good fortune,
O
PS. As Oliver Cromwell said: 'Trust in God, but keep your powder dry'

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Last Edit: by othen. Reason: Typo

unloved and hated in marriage 3 years 9 months ago #65035

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Hi there

Whilst I appreciate Othens point of view and understand his take on things, it is a worse case scenario. Things may not go in the direction he speaks of and I don't think it's helpful right now to set too much store by it.... As has been said, concentrate on getting yourself in a better place and for the next couple of weeks take each day as it comes, don't miss meals and try and get plenty of rest...if you are having problems sleeping then strenuous exercise will help.

As far as preventing her from taking them away, do you mean for a holiday or permanently?if its a holiday and is within this country there's not a lot you can do about it, you can ask that she makes time for you to talk to the children every day, perhaps before bedtime.

If you fear she is going to relocate then you can seek an order from the court to try and prevent this. However if she is moving to be near her family, or for a new job, the court are unlikely to stop it, although whilst its going through court (approx 6-9 months) she will not be able to leave.

As there is only a matter of 3weeks before you think she may leave you can submit an urgent Prohibited Steps Order. This is done with form C100 and will cost £215. It would be better to take it to the court in person and they will check it over for you and list it for a hearing. If there are mistakes that need correcting you can do it there and then to prevent further delay.

You might like to consider Mediation, it might help to get some of the issues such as your finances and contact with your children sorted out if you decide to leave the family home. Here's a link

www.nfm.org.uk

It is possible that she may change the locks, but if you feel that you can't cope staying there then you have to weigh up your well being with possible consequences and if you feel you cant cope, put yourself first. Perhaps give the police a call and ask them what your options would be, and if on your return you couldn't gain access what they would be able to do to assist you.

It might help to have a chat with your GP and some solicitors offer a free initial consultation which may also be useful to you.

Good luck

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DadTalk Moderator...

I'm not a lawyer or barrister and my responses are based on my own opinions or experiences of the family court.

I may not be legally trained... but I have plenty of experience and common sense!

Last Edit: by Mojo.

unloved and hated in marriage 3 years 9 months ago #65039

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I do so hope I am wrong, and that Mojo is right afrench.
Good fortune,
O

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unloved and hated in marriage 3 years 9 months ago #65041

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...it's not a matter of right and wrong Othen, I just think our friend has a lot on his plate at the moment and just needs to concentrate on getting himself into a stronger position both physically and emotionally right now.

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DadTalk Moderator...

I'm not a lawyer or barrister and my responses are based on my own opinions or experiences of the family court.

I may not be legally trained... but I have plenty of experience and common sense!

unloved and hated in marriage 3 years 9 months ago #65049

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I'll leave the advice to you Mojo.
Best wishes,
O

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unloved and hated in marriage 3 years 9 months ago #65052

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No please don't! We value everyones contribution here! :)

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DadTalk Moderator...

I'm not a lawyer or barrister and my responses are based on my own opinions or experiences of the family court.

I may not be legally trained... but I have plenty of experience and common sense!

unloved and hated in marriage 3 years 9 months ago #65053

I appreciate everyone's advice, positive or negative, if you take the time to write it, I will definitely take the time to read it.
I have decided I do not want a break from my children.
My children are my life and even the thought of 3 days away from them makes me feel sick.
I wont put them through that, and then it also looks bad for me in their eyes, I will off left!
What a position to be in as a father, I am being punished from every angle..
I am supposed to carry on living in a separate room, dividing the house, children, not eating, not sleeping and returning to work shifts at the weekend.
This is a tough place right now, I just need to focus on collecting my kids after school and giving them a big cuddle.

What ever my wife has planned, im sure she knows what she is doing.
I will be in touch after the GP visit.

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unloved and hated in marriage 3 years 9 months ago #65056

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Whatever you decide, you have our support. There are no right or wrong ways of dealing with the situation you're in. ...it's what's right for you and I think it's a good idea to concentrate on your children, they will be aware that something isn't right and will be confused and in need of some extra love and attention.

All the best

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unloved and hated in marriage 3 years 9 months ago #65080

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As well as speaking to your IVA practitioner, it might also be worth speaking to www.stepchange.org - the are a debt managemen charity. It's worth having another opinion if you are thinking of declaring bankruptcy, especially as you have an IVA in place.

As has been said above - at the moment, the number one priority is to make sure you are looking after yourself. Once you have that, then you will be better placed to tackle everything else.

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unloved and hated in marriage 3 years 9 months ago #65088

www.nationaldebtline.org/EW/Pages/default.aspx are really good I used them 2 years ago when i got into a right pickle you can see the wood from the trees once you start tackling the situation as others have mentioned you've really got to take good care of yourself and make your kids the priority for the time being.

I know it might seem a little drastic but it worked wonders for me talking to the samaritans 08457 90 90 90 I let rip on the telephone to them and they were great it's so good to get everything off your chest I phoned them 5-6 times in 6 months when things got really rough.

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I'm no way trained in Family court matters so don't take my ramblings as gospel but I've been through the Court mill and learned so much along the way I just like passing my experience on to other Dads who face this absolute nightmare from hell, you might not be able to beat the system but don't let it beat you :)

unloved and hated in marriage 3 years 9 months ago #65094

The GP was great, 30-40minutes..
He put a plan together for me, he wants me to take 2 weeks off work, given me 2 weeks of sleeping tablets and Diazepam to take in the morning.
I have to go for a blood test as my blood pressure is higher than normal, I do have borderline anyway and I am on yearly tests but he wasn't too happy with it.

That's the bit about me,
Now for the next turn if the screw.

She has seen citizens advice, she wants to sell the house (I haven't a clue where any money is coming from for deposits etc when we are homeless)
I just stand in amazement and I don't want to loose my home.
When I suggested the commitments we have, she blew her top!
Then it emerges that due to me breaking down on Saturday and the kids being witness to it, social and the police could be here today and take them into refuge!!!
I am utterly gobsmacked by this.
I made a mistake on Saturday but I didn't know what else to do, I felt trapped in a dark place.
So this was going to be amicable for our children but now I am a risk????
Unbelievable.

The last twist is that she thinks she can leave tomorrow, with the kids and get a new house.
That means she must have funding from somewhere, and I am finished here.
I can just about manage the budget to keep the home/debts but that leaves me nothing.

I am totally lost now, this is just getting worse, day by day.
I seriously think she has lost the plot.
Hate me/Punish me but this is the children, her mind isn't thinking of them, only herself.

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