TOPIC: unloved and hated in marriage

unloved and hated in marriage 3 years 7 months ago #65096

That's good news seeing your doctor you sound more up beat :)

Yeah man 2 weeks off is a wise move my director phoned me up last year and ordered me to have two weeks off as they couldn't afford me crashing anymore vans lol

I was prescribed sleeping tablets and diazepan but they gave me a false chemically induced sleep I felt a million times worse they were awful I found going for a run and hitting the weights worked wonders I really concentrated on eating properly and drinking plenty of fluids I went to the docs saying I think I had depression but he said no you've just got a nut case of an ex to deal with.

I'm surprised the citizens advice gave her that advice they are absolutely useless, The only debts you really have to worry about are your priority debts which can land you in jail like council tax and been cut off your electric and utilities all the other non priority debts like loans hire purchase ect can be dealt with a lot easier.

Just be careful that you don't loose your rag again as it's so easy for her to get you banged up get a harassment order on you or worse I think you would of found out by now if she has reported you to the police it might be just a ploy to freak you out just make sure you don't have any bad communication dont make any threats ect stay cool calm and collected at all times.

I'm not to sure about houses ect I hope someone else on here can advise better.

Keep your chin up man your doing great :)

Slim :)

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I'm no way trained in Family court matters so don't take my ramblings as gospel but I've been through the Court mill and learned so much along the way I just like passing my experience on to other Dads who face this absolute nightmare from hell, you might not be able to beat the system but don't let it beat you :)

unloved and hated in marriage 3 years 7 months ago #65098

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Your GP sounds excellent - follow his advice and go back regularly. As we have all said, your first priority at the moment is to look after yourself.

I'm not going to pretend it is all going to be OK quickly - it could get worse I'm afraid, but you need to persevere and it will get better, even if it takes time to get there. Keep a file of everything now, you may need it later on. Definitely get financial advice - if you sell the house, I'm not sure what effect that has on your IVAs, as you potentially will both have a lump sum if there's equity - you might find that it all has to go to pay off your debts (I have the feeling you have to declare if you have more money than was originally budgeted for). This, of course, applies to your wife as well, so if she's expecting money from the equity, it might not be there.

It might be worth also speaking to the council and local housing association to see about getting onto the waiting list as soon as possible - again, I'm not sure how soon you can apply and under what circumstances, but better to find out sooner rather than later.

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unloved and hated in marriage 3 years 7 months ago #65100

I have found a website - national property trade, they assure an assisted sale, quick, a cash deposit and they cover mortgage cost and solicitor fee's.
It says within weeks, sounds ideal.
Has anyone used this service??

I know its going to be hard, I know I am not going to be well off, but I will be able to live my life.
I can draw a line under this misconception of 16 years.
I wont make this mistake again...

I just hope my children understand and see I always did my best.
My doctor said my wife is living in a bubble and immature. (She is a 35 year old woman!! - she bellowed that at me!!)

Feeling fresher, clearer and I have only taken the sleeping tablet, just taking it through helps.
I just hope my focus doesn't drop tomorrow...

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unloved and hated in marriage 3 years 7 months ago #65101

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I haven't used one, but I am reasonably certain that you will get a lower price by doing so - that's how they make their money. Certainly worth considering and getting a valuation, but I'd also get a couple of estate agents round and ask them to value for a quick sale (may as well ask them what value if not a rush).

If you do go for a normal sale, might also be worth asking your mortgage company if you can switch to interest only for the moment - that could cut down your expenses in the short term.

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unloved and hated in marriage 3 years 7 months ago #65119

Hi There,

It sounds as though although you are deep within this mess, you are also thinking straighter.

I would contact the mortgage company first and explain what's hppening, you may be able to take a payment break which will give you some breathing space, it's not much but it will help.

I agree with actd that there is a chance that the online option of selling would probably be quicker but would get you less money so you need to weigh that up.

I think your doctor is right that you wife is in a little bubble at the moment it's a shame no one can give some advice to help.

Stay strong and stay chatting to us, we can help you through this even if it's just by listening to you sounding off about what's happened, it's surprising how much talking can help.

GTTS

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unloved and hated in marriage 3 years 7 months ago #65169

What a day!!
I slept with the aid until 3am, when is started making a list...A Plan...
unfortunately I took the other medication and found myself walking the estate for let property!
I always was an early starter..
I had a walk with my daughter, a good chat with my wife, she seemed still hatred but she agreed that she wouldn't stop me seeing the kids on my days off, so a 3 day on/off shift pattern, means I still have them.
That really helped me..
But I slumped heavily at 10 am, cold, shivering, yawning, so I had an hour under cover and then a hot bath.

I have spoken to our secured loan/mortgage/my Iva.
All very helpful, I have been re-viewed for the IVA, I CAN keep all the payments and offer the £80 per week maintenance, £347 a month (as is the set amount for my salary £700 top line a week).
That was a big relief.
All creditors will be paid and I will have £200 to live on!
not a lot but I have my home and the kids have somewhere to stay.

I agreed with my wife we need to list and document all possessions, who has what, agree the childcare ad payments.

Tonight she has come in late, looking shattered and withdrawn,
I am worried about her even after everything, maybe its the last bit of hope she has some feeling or something left, or someone has helped her realise we don't have to throw this all away..
Like I say, I have to force myself to think she ISNT, she doesn't want this or more..

Tomorrows another day...

Thanks everyone again

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unloved and hated in marriage 3 years 7 months ago #65171

Excellent news you sound more upbeat :) Things to be panning out more now, communication with the ex is key here and you sound like you have it nailed, try not to crowd her that's great you've sorted something for the kids :)

Maybe try a bit of exercise along with the tablets they are pretty addictive like I said before I just didn't get along with them prefering to eat really well drink plenty of fluids and exercise did wonders for me building my self esteem :)

Take every day as it comes try not to worry too much into the future I was taking every hour as it came last year it was horrific it ace that you have sorted the finances you will be able to see the wood for the trees now :)

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I'm no way trained in Family court matters so don't take my ramblings as gospel but I've been through the Court mill and learned so much along the way I just like passing my experience on to other Dads who face this absolute nightmare from hell, you might not be able to beat the system but don't let it beat you :)

unloved and hated in marriage 3 years 7 months ago #65172

I.must be...
I knew I was feeling slightly drawn in by her tonight. I wanted to nip the feelings in the bud, so after plenty space, I text that we could seriously start a fresh. I can pay alk the bills leaving near nothing, with her income, she can look after a couple bills send then take control of food, clothing, dentists, hair salons, even days out for herself, anything to make this work and our family to be happy.
Still not tempting for her, but I expected that response.
I needed to do it as I felt the line I had drawn under it, was erasing.

Need to stay firm and on the ball.

I still wish deep down though..

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unloved and hated in marriage 3 years 7 months ago #65177

Morning,

As said it sounds like you are much more positive now and in a better place, as you say stay strong, you have planted the seed of starting a fresh so leave it there and see what happens, you could be sneaky and get a leaflet on relate and leave it somewhere she will see just a thought.

It's great you have managed to talk at least and sort a few things out, as has been said don't push her too hard and take baby steps to sort the rest of it out.

Glad your feling better

GTTS

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unloved and hated in marriage 3 years 7 months ago #65179

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...from a woman's perspective, if she sees you getting on with life, paying attention to your appearance, wearing aftershave, going to the gym and seeming to accept the new status quo, starting to have a social life, she may start looking at you differently.

There's nothing more unattractive than a needy person.

From the way you describe your relationship, you were pretty compliant, doing cooking and pampering to her, providing her with everything.... Use a bit of psychology , show her what she might be missing! Be more like the man she first met. She's taken you for granted for too long, her view of you is probably jaded so give her something new and exciting to think about!

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Mum and Grandmother, supporting my son who has residency of his son.
I want to see a much fairer system in place, where Dads and their children have a voice that can be heard.
There are many groups of people that have equal rights within our society and its about time Dads were given equal rights too.

unloved and hated in marriage 3 years 7 months ago #65204

I don't know if that will wash with her!
I am spending loads time with the kids, something that life's pressures has reduced over time!
Taking it easy.
I have reduced my wardrobe by removing out of date shirts, most had an evening with her attached.
Plan to get a few new tops if I can afford it, I need to feel attractive again.

I have put some proposals together, mostly aimed the best for my children and herself.
I hope it makes it amicable and logical, reducing pain, cost we don't have and an easy solution.
I don't want to fight with her, she deserves her happiness.
I do want her to feel safe, whatever she does.
Still love her...I can easily say that..
I'll let you all know it goes, but I am feeling a lot better,thinking I don't need the tablets now but I don't want to drift back, might just wait and see.

You were all so helpful, step by step, what a fantastic resource this is to people in such need, people like me!!
Thank you

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unloved and hated in marriage 3 years 7 months ago #65205

I read your initial post and all of the messages that have followed.

In your last message you say, quote, "she deserves her happiness. I do want her to feel safe ........." Yes, quite right but so do YOU deserve happiness and to feel secure.

You are obviously a giver and I think the time has come for you to be kind and caring to yourself and to put yourself first for a good while to regain your strength and recover from the shock you have had.

It has been said before but it is so important, please eat regularly and try to get enough sleep. Value yourself you are so important.

I think it was Mr Slim who mentioned the Samaritans, I feel I must add how wonderful an organization this is. They are there to listen day or night.

Remember others have trodden the same path, you will cope and successfully come through this!

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