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TOPIC: Strategies for resilience

Strategies for resilience 1 year 11 months ago #88533

Hi, looking for some help as I feel a bit desperate today.

I had been with my girlfriend about 4 months when she got pregnant. Because we're old enough (32 and I'm 33) and because I think it can work out I decided to go for it. She's 25 weeks pregnant tomorrow (the end of the "easy" 2nd trimester, haha)

She's been having a lot of pain and discomfort, she does a very physical job (in a bookshop) and is finding life exhausting, and this in theory is the reason why she never shows any appreciate whatsoever for me. I do all the housework and most of the cooking and she has never thanked me. She's moved into the flat I own and is only paying the council tax and last night told me how much she hates the place. I make a lot of time for her (I left my office Christmas Party before dinner to come home to her) and I always listen and try to understand what she is experiencing. I cannot remember the last time she said anything nice about me, the best I get is an oblique "at least you're not controlling" or "the only problem with you is". She routinely accuses me of not loving her, and periodically implies I'm having an affair (presumably between doing the laundry, cleaning the bathroom and making the dinner)

Last night I made the mistake of telling her I feel like I'm useless because she doesn't seem to get anything from me and now she's more furious than ever, as now apparently I am acting like a child, selfish and obsessed with sex (I never mentioned sex, she brought it up)

So, I understand that what I'm supposed to do when she insults me, or tells me I'm useless and don't understand her, or physically attacks me (this, thankfully, is quite exceptional) is smile sweetly and tell her how wonderful she is, but I am already at breaking point with this and we're barely halfway through.

Can anyone suggest coping strategies to help me seem like the thick-skinned superman all men are apparently meant to already be at this point? Or at least tell me the way I'm feeling is normal and that I'm not just a useless pathetic sack of shit? Because I feel like I am right now.

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Last Edit: by goldendelicious.

Strategies for resilience 1 year 11 months ago #88551

hello and thanks for sharing...your not pathetic at all so dont ever think that

Pregnancy does some weird and wonderful things to women im afraid, do you think she has been different since becoming pregnant? how long was you together before she become pregnant

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Strategies for resilience 1 year 11 months ago #88564

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Hi there

As has been said, pregnant women can become very difficult! The release of hormones and internal fears about their changing bodies and how life will be after the baby is born all contribute.

The fact that you were only together for 4 months before she got pregnant is likely to make things harder too... you hardly got the chance to get to know each other first, she's probably feeling as insecure as you, she just expresses it differently.

Why don't you arrange an evening out, a nice meal and see if you can open up a discussion about how things feel for you at the moment, but don't make it about you, ask her how she is feeling and if there's anything you can do to make her feel better. Spontaneous bunch of flowers will put a smile on her face, or a nice foot/shoulder massage, intimacy without sex! I think you need to try and get to know each other and once the baby has arrived you'll have less time to do that.

All the best

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DadTalk Moderator... I'm not legally trained and my responses are my own views based on my experiences of the family court. I have plenty of common sense and can offer you emotional support and guide you to answers.

Strategies for resilience 1 year 11 months ago #88572

Everything you described sounds like domestic abuse. You say that she doesn’t physically attack you very frequently. I’m sorry, that’s still domestic abuse.

You may want to consider talking to www.mensadviceline.org.uk .

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Strategies for resilience 1 year 11 months ago #88580

I would also agree DA (domestic abuse), on paper.
However her body is changing and sometimes the mind goes too, "baby brain".. Still you shouldn't have to enjure a life of abuse. Putting up with it dont win you prizes, as a man in a situation and 'trying' to make it work for who? You? Your unborn child? Her? Your wording:

I would recommend that YOU go see you YOUR GP and tell them what is and has been going on. Further down the line she may snap, with it being logged with a healthcare proffessional you will be able to get advice, support (she doesnt need to know). ......and possibly in the future if/when your trying to get a court order for contact/ or even in criminal proceedings you will have proof (when alligations fly) of her abuse to you.
DONT RETALIATE!
BUT DONT EVER BE AFRAID TO SPEAK OUT!
The sad truth is your life sounds like mine some years ago. I do hope its just hormones.

I have a petition with the Welsh Assembly about these issues please show support.

www.assembly.wales/en/gethome/e-petition...aspx?PetitionID=1282

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Strategies for resilience 1 year 11 months ago #88581

Thanks everyone. I was at a bit of a low point posting this yesterday and may have gone a bit overboard. When I say physically attack me, it's not like she's punching and kicking or anything and I don't feel physically abused.

I think it's right that the problem is we don't know each other very well. Best answer:

"she's probably feeling as insecure as you, she just expresses it differently."

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Strategies for resilience 1 year 11 months ago #88582

Your wording: (sorry)


Because we're old enough (32 and I'm 33) and because I think it can work out I decided to go for it.

"Think" indicates not sure.
"I decided" indicates she werent that bothered maybe?
Not trying to be nasty.
"Doing the honest/right thing isnt a good option these days.... I do know from my experince.

Never the less I do hope its her hormones etc. And it works out for all 3 of you.

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Strategies for resilience 1 year 11 months ago #88586

If she physically attacks you then you phone the police, that is irrational behavior and abuse that i would not attribute to being pregnant

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Strategies for resilience 1 year 11 months ago #88626

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Bit OTT there mavic, I don't think this is a case for the police, it's obvious that the OP wants to make it work!

Glad you're feeling better goldendelicious... it's a stressful time for couples that have been in long term relationships and all relationships take time and effort to make them work. Being open about things in a non confrontational way is always the best policy and a little flattery and flowers also help!

You don't have to be a "thick skinned superman"... sensitive and caring is a much better look in my opinion. You are going to require patience and thinking outside the box right now... rise above her negativity and try and bring some sweetness and light into the situation and when it gets tough, try and remember it's probably the hormones talking, so don't take it to heart.

All the best

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DadTalk Moderator... I'm not legally trained and my responses are my own views based on my experiences of the family court. I have plenty of common sense and can offer you emotional support and guide you to answers.

Last Edit: by Mojo.

Strategies for resilience 1 year 11 months ago #88638

Humnn, at the risk of being controversial, I'd like to propose an exercise. Try inverting the gender in what OP wrote, and you get:

"So, I understand that what I'm supposed to do when he insults me, or tells me I'm useless and don't understand him, or physically attacks me (this, thankfully, is quite exceptional)".


Would anyone advice this "woman" to take the guy out for dinner and be nice and kind to him ? Why is it different in this case ? Is it just abuse when a man does it ?


I'm somewhat concerned that this guy is about to fall on the same trap that so many of us have fallen, have the tables turned on him and be accused of domestic violence in the not too distant future, while being pushed away from his child.

I agree that calling the police can do more harm than good, but don't be naive OP, being nice and kind only works when you have someone minimally rational on the other side.

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Strategies for resilience 1 year 11 months ago #88641

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It may be worth considering Relate - if you are having trouble expressing hopes and fears to each other, having an impartial 3rd party might help resolve any issues that you might both not realise even exist.

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