My partner has severe endometriosis (briefly put, a condition in the womb which causes severe pain). She is not infertile, but has depleted egg reserves which. To conceive naturally would take any amount of time without her medication which supresses her endo symptoms. This would be too painful and stressful for her. So we've looked into IVF and had this as an option until a recent appointment where we were told chances of success were unknown. On top of this, the drugs needed by her to wake up her ovaries increase her endo symptoms and this might take many months to achieve.
As a consequence, she is looking into egg donation. Have any of you gone down this route? There are so many relevant threads about how mums feel about this, but none about the dad's. Has anyone here gone down the egg donation route? How did you come to terms with it? I know it's a selfish thought, but it feels like I'd be having a baby with another woman. Any thoughts, advice and hints would be helpful!
Not the same thing, exactly, but my ex has donated eggs more than once since we spilt. We get on these days, so it was just something she talked about like it wasn't a big deal. We have a 3 year old son together, and I admit I freaked out a little about the fact that our child might have half-siblings they'll never know.
The more time I spend with our child, I notice genetics less and less. That is, our child is smart, and funny and amazing, but not because he was born that way; because he has been raised in a way that allowed and encouraged that. When he shows off some new skill he mastered in the days since I last saw him, and grins waiting for me to shower him with praise, it's because that is what he has come to know will happen when he impresses us. When he stops in the middle of the highstreet to pick up a crisp packet and put it in the nearest bin, it's because he learned that from us. I can literally see the kind of person we are shaping our child to be, develop every day, and if my ex turned around tomorrow and said he wasn't mine, I'd argue that he was. I made him mine with every lesson I taught him, every cuddle I gave and got.
Maybe it mattered in the first few months. My ex and I struggled to be OK with co-parenting (Looking back, this was probably mostly because I didn't want our relationship to be over, and made some pretty cringey moves) and family pressure and the idea of him being my flesh and blood carried more weight than the actual infant I hadn't yet bonded with. Though If you are a family from the start, I'm not sure that will matter.
In your case, I'm going to paraphrase how my ex put it when I asked a similar question while I was trying to get my head around her donating. If you use donated eggs, your partner will still carry your baby, birth that baby and even be capable of breastfeeding. She will 100% be the mother of your child. Even if no part of either of you were to go into making a baby, you will put so much of yourselves into raising that person, that it can only be the product of you both.
That's just my thoughts on it these days though, which I guess are different than they would have been 4 or 5 years ago.
My partner was an egg doner. After having 2 kids she wanted to give something back. Try not to see it like your having a child with another woman. That baby will grow and develop inside your wife. It will be her blood going through that babies veins. When your baby arrives non of that will matter because you both made that baby. Your sperm and her incubation and growing it for 9 months. Babies are miracles
Thank you Sleepless. This was really good to read. I know that once any child arrives it would be loved, As you say, the birth mother keeps the baby safe, feeds it etc for the duration of pregnancy and, once born, the arrival would be nurtured by the two of us. Mannerisms, interests etc will be passed on and the 'joys' of parenting will create that parent-child bond.
I think it's just the initial concept that makes it a little unusual to me, but I'm sure that it is something that really wont matter one bit once the potential baby comes along.
I think I'm coming round to the idea, it is just a concept that I think I'll need a bit of time to adjust to, but as is the general theme here, being a parent does not necessarily equate to having that genetic tie.