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TOPIC: Scared of becoming a dad

Scared of becoming a dad 3 weeks 5 hours ago #101373

Hi

I'm new to here. I need somewhere to express my feelings /look for support. My wife and I are expecting our first child which is due any day now. We had been trying to concieve for four years so this was very much planned and wanted. However the last days I have been overcome with extreme nerves, anxiety and fear which I am struggling to break free from. To the extent I am constantly feeling sick and I am not eating.

I know it's normal to be scared but this is extreme. I've spent most of the pregnancy looking to forward to baby's arrival but now I'm having doubts over whether we have made the right decision. My wife and I have no experience of children so I'm scared I won't know what to do. I also start to worry about things in the future which haven't happened yet. I'm mourning the loss of our previous life. I worry that we won't have time for each other like before. I worry that I won't be able to form a bond with my child. What if I don't feel that connection? The thought of a lifetime of responsibility terrifies me. I am struggling with the idea of having someone dependent on me forever. I think this relates to my worry that I won't feel the unconditional love that I'm supposed to feel. I worry I'll l be a failure. I can't break free from these negative thoughts and I've lost sight of all the positives that having a child brings.

I just needed to get these thoughts out of my head. Even if no one replies. I am trying to tell myself these feelings are normal. I've always imagined having children, I just don't know why I am feeling like this now.

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Scared of becoming a dad 3 weeks 3 hours ago #101377

Hello NervousDad,

I think you are suffering overwhelming anxiety and fear at this particular time purely because the baby is due any day now. Emotions become more intense as we are in a state of anticipation, thinking is it going to happen this evening, during the night, tomorrow morning, is the bag packed, will everything be alright?

You are only having doubts as to whether you have made the right decision because it will be a change in your life and we all tend to think at such a time that we want to remain in the comfort zone we know and are use to but that isn't moving forward in life.

You say you are scared because you will not know what to do. You will easily learn to do the practical things such as nappy changing, feeding, determining the difference in the variations of a baby's cry etc. Holding a baby and talking to it is very important as from birth they begin to recognize specific voices.

You say you are mourning the loss your previous life, I think you say this as you appear to view the next stage of your life as being daunting. This, I am sure is only because you are so very anxious at present. To me there is no greater pleasure to be had in life than a child present and I am sure when your anxiety and fear reduces to a normal level you will feel the same joy.

You worry that you and your wife will not have time for one another like before. Make time for one another! It is important that you should!

You worry that you will not be able to form a bond or feel a connection. I have written on here a number of times regarding my personal experience about this. I am not a "baby person." When I had my Son there was no instant bond and neither was there when my Grandchildren were born. It took a number of months for the bond with each child to develop. It has not been to their or my detriment as I have a wonderful relationship and very strong bonds with all three. I allowed it to develop naturally without worrying about it. Please remember there is no set time scale for bonding it varies according to the individual.

Please don't view it solely as a lifetime of responsibility. You are forgetting all the fun and joy to be had. The reward of seeing the baby go through all their stages of development, where you will play a vital role in equipping them with all that is necessary for them to go out into the big wide world, happy, confident, independent, having the ability to cope and helping them to realize their independent dreams. They then "fly the nest" and as parents we selfishly think to ourselves, "I wish they were still babies."

Just relax and take it all in your stride otherwise you will be consumed with distressing negative thoughts and miss the many joys coming your way.

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Scared of becoming a dad 2 weeks 6 days ago #101391

hi nervous dad,

don't worry you will be fine :) will you be taking 2 weeks paternity leave? would be great time for you to bond with the baby, and start helping out with nappy changes, baths, feeding etc. you can always return here for advice. am sure theres a lot of experiences dads on here.

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Scared of becoming a dad 5 days 15 hours ago #101706

Hi NervousDad, Has baby arrived yet? How is everything?

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Trained Parent Support Worker and Dad to 3 lively children

Scared of becoming a dad 4 days 13 hours ago #101723

It is only natural to be worried. I was really excited about becoming a father, even with no experience. I am not going to say it was easy, but it was easier than I thought it would be, As soon as the baby is born, whip you top off and giv it some skin on skin contact, that will start the bond immediately.

You and your wife have clearly tried hard to conceive this child, and it will be worth it. The second that baby is born and you held him/her for the first time, you will feel love like you have never felt before. That baby will know you are its father, it will feel safe with you.

If you have a lot of supportive family around you, they can help when you and your wife want some alone time. but, this child is your priority now, and sacrifices will have to be made from time to time. So, you will not be going out as much as you used to, but you will be making different memories together as a family instead.

Good luck with it all and i hope the baby arrives safely soon

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