TOPIC: My world is falling apart

My world is falling apart 5 years 3 weeks ago #44096

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I posted on here not long ago and I think I was judged because I will admit I walked away from my son 3 months ago,i just could not put up with the grief etc anymore from my ex and it was affecting my Mental Health and also Work life,i wake up everyday hoping that that day will be the last,i think about harming myself everyday and have it all planned out because I cannot cope anymore,yesterday I was dealt another blow to the heart as I found out that my ex has another man and I was devastated because I know my little boy will see this bloke as his daddy because I am not around,i sit here now and think that I have brought this on myself anyway because I walked away but even if I was in contact with my son how could I deal that another man is apart of his life more than I am,i am in tears everyday because of whats happened but I honestly do feel now after the latest development that maybe my little boy would be better off without me in his life at all and that I am better off gone out this world,i am a mess in my head and heart and I just want all the pain and suffering to stop

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My world is falling apart 5 years 3 weeks ago #44097

Right mate first up give the Samaritans a call - 08457 909090

Next up have you got any sort of support around you?

I to felt exactly the same as you a year ago and It's a totally natural feeling being stopped from seeing your child.

If your on drink or drugs seek help and make an appointment with your doctor.

have you applied to the courts or made inroads to see your child?

Keep your chin up man we've all been through it or are going through it!
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I'm no way trained in Family court matters so don't take my ramblings as gospel but I've been through the Court mill and learned so much along the way I just like passing my experience on to other Dads who face this absolute nightmare from hell, you might not be able to beat the system but don't let it beat you :)

My world is falling apart 5 years 3 weeks ago #44102

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Hi Lewy

I've just had a look at your previous posts as you felt you were judged.... I don't see any sign of that and it would have surprised me had there been as we don't judge here. Perhaps you felt you didn't get many responses but that can happen and I'm sorry that you felt unsupported, that would never be our intention.

Did you call the Samaritans last night? That would be a great first step. I think it might help to go and speak to your GP too, they can help with these low feelings and dark thoughts.

There is no way your little boy would be better off without you and that's a fact. You aren't to blame, you walked away because you felt you couldn't cope anymore and there are plenty of good dads that have felt that way...sometimes it's better to separate yourself from a damaging situation while you get back on track.

There are unfortunately lots of dads that have to deal with another man being part of their child's life, but even dads that have felt as desperate as you do now have realised that their child will always love them and the presence of another man in their lives won't ever change that.

When couples split up its painful and when an ex partner moves on all that pain returns, but it will get better really it will. I urge you to go and see your GP and get some help . Once you are feeling stronger then you can set about getting back into your little boys life and we can help and support you in that. I think Mojo talked to you previously about how to go about that, we just need you feeling a little better first!

Please let us know you are ok Lewy,
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Mum and Grandmother, supporting my son who has residency of his son.
I want to see a much fairer system in place, where Dads and their children have a voice that can be heard.
There are many groups of people that have equal rights within our society and its about time Dads were given equal rights too.

My world is falling apart 5 years 3 weeks ago #44106

Hi Lewy,

How are you doing today. You sound incredibly low at the moment.

Don't feel judged on here, we accept all dads no matter what their situation. We don't judge.

i wake up everyday hoping that that day will be the last,i think about harming myself everyday and have it all planned out because I cannot cope anymore


It is very important that if this is how you are feeling at the moment that you make an appointment to see your GP. Tell your doctor exactly what has happened and how you are feeling. Your GP will be able to suggest ways that they will be able to help you.

However in the meantime if you are feeling particularly low please do as Slimothy has suggested and call the Samaritans.

The first thing you need to do is look after yourself and get some help. When you are feeling better and stronger, then you will find a lot of support on DAD to guide you through the process of gaining access to your son.

Could you post a reply - just to let us know you are ok.

Keep talking

Gooner
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Last Edit: by Goonerplum.

My world is falling apart 5 years 2 weeks ago #44142

Hi There,

How are you feeling this evening?

As NJ has said we don't judge people here, none of us do, we all know that everyone is in a slightly different situation, I know how it feels to be at the end of your tether and not have any choice but to remove yourself from your childs life for your own sake and theirs. It doesn't make you a bad person.

Feeling low is natural, but the feelings your having about wanting to harm yourself aren't though again I have been there so I know how this feels too.

You do need to go to your doctors and explain how you are feeling they will be able to give you some much needed support. we also have people linked to this website that can also support you (though this is indirect support through a phone service)

I have sent you a private message (look at the top of the topics on the right and you will see it) have a read and send me a reply if you want to have a little one on one discussion, if you send through the night I will reply tomorrow.

we can help you through this

GTTS
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Last Edit: by got-the-tshirt.

My world is falling apart 5 years 2 weeks ago #44145

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Hi all

Just to say such a big thank you to you all for the replies and advice,been another hard day battling the thoughts in my head,i am currently on medication for Depression and start Counselling next week,i went to the doctors 5/6 weeks ago explaining how I was feeling and it started the ball rolling but I just still feel like everyday when I wake up I want it to be the last day so I don't have to go through the pain and thoughts like I do everyday.

Nannyjane you are right in what you said about I felt like I was judged,im sorry but I didn't not explain that part very well,i just assumed as I did not get many replies that people thought I was a bad person for walking away,i am ashamed of myself for walking away,my son is 19 months old and I have not seen him for 3 months so I am guessing he wont remember me and he will look at my exes new partner as his daddy and that absolutely breaks my heart,last nights post and as I am writing this I have tears streaming down my face,all I seem to do is cry,i will be completely honest and open right now that 2 weeks ago I went to a remote location and sat underneath a tree with a rope,i wanted to go but I don't know why I just got up and left,i have those thoughts everyday though,i just cannot see a turning point,i am in a black hole and there is no light around me,i feel so ashamed of myself for sharing all this with you all and I don't know why.

Slimothy I don't have much support at all,my family get on really well with my ex and believe every word she says,i am made out to look like the evil one,i fully admit we have had heated text/email exchanges and I have said some stupid things but I told my family all that but still it seems though they are all getting on nicely,i am assuming its because my family do not want to break any ties as it is their Grandchild. She is not stopping the contact I walked away from my son as I could take no more hassle etc of the ex.

Goonerplum I have emailed the Samaritans as I feel talking over the phone will just cause me to get upset,i feel as though I will never feel stronger or better,i know they say time is a healer but how on earth do I get through the pain of not seeing my little boy.

I have an email I have wrote out over the past few days ready to send to my ex,i have got everything off my chest but not sent it as I think it will do more harm than good but I felt like I had to get it wrote down to get it out my system,i am so sorry if ive not repied to everything in your replies,sorry again if I have gone on too much,i just honestly don't know whats going to happen next but it means so much to me knowing your here for me to talk to,thank you
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My world is falling apart 5 years 2 weeks ago #44146

Hey Lewy Mate,

So glad to hear from you and I'm sure everyone else is :) You seem a lot more positive today which is good news :)
The way you're feeling strikes a chord with me as I was in a very similar situation as yourself on 2-3 different periods over the past 14 months, It takes some balls to express the feelings you have and it's completely natural to feel this way you sound like a spot on bloke who's only looking out for his child.

My whole world fell apart last Feb when my ex told me she was pregnant and she wanted me to have nothing to do with our child I couldn't believe it, I had done nothing wrong and had loved her and her other Daughter for the previous 5 years I was heart broken.
They were my world and as my nearest family are 100 miles away I felt so alone I still do!!!
All I did was cry, cry, cry for 3 months solid and everything crashed I lost my business and spiralled into a world of hell and all I wanted to do was kill myself it was dreadful, I couldn't eat or sleep properly and slowly thought I was going mad along with hating my own guts until I gave the Samaritans a call and they were brilliant they advised me to go and see my GP which I did.

Now my GP started sewing the seed of change as she said all I can see in front of me is a charming respectful bloke who is out looking for his child to be and that all my feeling were totally natural, she said I was obviously suffering from depression and booked me an appointment with pathways as I refused and drugs as I was smoking so much Cannabis I didn't want to take any more drugs. When I was leaving she said I know your EX is having your Baby but it is her and only her making you feel this way so stay away from her! I couldn't believe it but looking back she was right! That laid the seed for me it was such good advice.

Quite a few people said the same thing that I had to think of myself more and concentrate on sorting my life out which I did I got myself a job and concentrated on that first I went from taking every day as it comes to taking every hour as it comes and literally every minute as it comes it was soul destroying not seeing my ex my unborn baby and my daughters sister but I couldn't do anything else.

My ex changed all the dates for the scans so I couldn't attend then posted the pics on facebook for the world to see apart from me then posted that she was a girls whilst spreading lies that i disowned her it was a living hell. `I found out my daughter was born 5 days after she had her and that was the worst week of my life all I wanted to do was kill myself I went out on to the motorway took my car up to 140mph and decided to crash straight into a concrete bridge it would of took one little turn and it would of been all over, what stopped me was thinking of the poor emergency services who would of had to scrape me off the motorway.

I told a work friend who hit the roof and said what would my Daughter have thought in years to come when she found out her Daddy killed himself and how much that would of destroyed her life he called me selfish and told me to stop smoking cannabis and basically said man up!!! I couldn't believe it them words hit home big time man they still ring in my ears today!

So that's what I done I quit smoking and smoking weed I started eating well and sleeping well (after 2 months of pure hell with withdrawal symptoms) I concentrated on work and pretty much worked every day to take my mind off things I've put on 2 stone in weight and feel amazing.

As it stands my girl is 6 months old I have only seen her for 4 weeks out her life and I've not seen her or her sister for 4 months now, its so hard I miss them so much but I have the ball rolling with courts and access and if you check my posts on here you will see what I'm up too so I understand what your going through trust me :)

All in all mate I say try and concentrate on yourself for a bit, try and distance yourself from any texts with your ex or bad communication, look after yourself eat and sleep well your son will always be there and launch the assault through the courts when your fit and ready, take up a hobby or something you enjoy anything to keep you occupide and trust me the father child bond can NEVER be broken they will always be a bond and they will never forget you I wish my own father was like you he never bothered with me.

If you ever need to talk everyone on here is amazing and you can always drop me a message I woke up at 4am and checked this post hoping you would have replied keep up the good work mate and keep your chin up man!

Much respect

Slim :)
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I'm no way trained in Family court matters so don't take my ramblings as gospel but I've been through the Court mill and learned so much along the way I just like passing my experience on to other Dads who face this absolute nightmare from hell, you might not be able to beat the system but don't let it beat you :)

My world is falling apart 5 years 2 weeks ago #44156

Hi Lewy,

Just to say such a big thank you to you all for the replies and advice,been another hard day battling the thoughts in my head,i am currently on medication for Depression and start Counselling next week,i went to the doctors 5/6 weeks ago explaining how I was feeling and it started the ball rolling but I just still feel like everyday when I wake up I want it to be the last day so I don't have to go through the pain and thoughts like I do everyday.


That is positive news. The medication will take a while before you start to feel better, you may find that it will take a while for your GP to work out which dosage or medication is best for you. Counselling is a great idea - is it Cognitive behavioural therapy (CBT) ?

Things won't suddenly get better over night - it will take time. It is quite common for the symptoms to get worse after initially seeing you doctor.

It is an incredibly brave step to have gone to see you GP and told him/her that you are in need of help. Well done.

I have an email I have wrote out over the past few days ready to send to my ex,i have got everything off my chest but not sent it as I think it will do more harm than good but I felt like I had to get it wrote down to get it out my system


It is great that you have written down your feelings and allowed yourself to vent but I also think it is very wise not to send this email to your ex. I would suggest, for the time being, with your heightened emotions and feelings it might be wise to wait until you are on more of an even keel before you tackle trying to communicate with her.

When you are feeling stronger in yourself we can refer you to a tool that we have that will help you to start building a Shared Parenting Agreement and start having the conversation with your ex about access etc. There are lots of positive steps you can take to be a part of your son's life.

Keep talking

Gooner

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My world is falling apart 5 years 2 weeks ago #44158

Slimothy,

Thank you for sharing your positive story.


Cheers

Gooner.

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My world is falling apart 5 years 2 weeks ago #44161

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Hi Lewy

Thanks for getting back to us, I do know how hard it is....I just wish I was up at 3am so that we could have a chat. Maybe I should set my alarm!

Just because you didn't get many responses it doesn't mean the other members thought badly of you....not at all. It's probably a lot more to do with them not knowing how to respond! I think it might be a man thing. Oh dear does that sound sexist...sorry guys!

I want you to try and get away from the notion that you are a bad person Lewy, there is no shame in taking some time out because you are overwhelmed by your situation. Taking a step back is the sensible thing to do. You have been abused and if you were a woman this would be classed as domestic violence. Start replacing the words walking away with taking some time out and it will help you to start changing your perception of yourself...you need to start being kind to yourself and accepting that you are only reacting to the awful situation you have been placed in. Blame is not good and we don't need it so again place blame outside of yourself, it doesn't apply.

It's really good news that you are getting help from your GP and once the talking therapy starts and the medication starts to work I'm sure you will begin to feel a little better.

I think you are right about your families motives for staying "on side" with your ex. Your parents love you I'm sure, I bet you are really good at hiding how unhappy you feel....perhaps you need to go and speak to them face to face and be open with them...if you were my boy I would hold you so tight and want to help you. Forget that they have a relationship with your ex, it's about you and your relationship with them. So don't mix the two up...tell them you are ok with them having a relationship with your ex, it's a good thing that they are able to continue contact isn't it?

Like Gooner I think it's therapeutic to write down how you are feeling, getting it off your chest helps you to move away from it. It might also help you to get some perspective.

How I wish I had a magic wand that I could wave and make things better for you Lewy ...life breaks us all but we are stronger in the broken places, you will get better and you will see your son again. No man can take your place and the bond between you both cannot be broken. My dad used to work abroad when I was growing up, he would be away for up to a year sometimes but it made no difference to how I felt about him, if anything it made him more precious to me and our bond was all the more special. Trust me, love moves beyond the restraints of time...it's timeless.

I am a part of a group on Facebook where there has been a few dads and their children getting reunited after years apart recently....everyone of them has said that the time they were apart just melted away on their first meeting and it was as if they had never been apart. It's been three months since you saw your little one, at a time in his life that he won't remember. You will get stronger and you will see him, and this time in your lives will be long forgotten one day. So lets put that rope in the bin where it belongs and start to look forward to a time in the very near future when you and your boy will be reunited. It can happen, all it needs is for you to believe that.

We are going to help you as much as we can so keep coming back to us and keep talking.

Sending you huge hugs Lewy x

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Mum and Grandmother, supporting my son who has residency of his son.
I want to see a much fairer system in place, where Dads and their children have a voice that can be heard.
There are many groups of people that have equal rights within our society and its about time Dads were given equal rights too.
Last Edit: by Nannyjane.

My world is falling apart 5 years 2 weeks ago #44184

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Hi all

Thank you so much again for the replies,as you are aware I work weird hours so hence why I am on here in the middle of the night,I have read your posts and will reply to them later,all I can say is that I was so emotional while reading them,for the first time in quite a while I feel like I am not alone.

Thank you for the hugs Nannyjane,could really do with a big hug right now x
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My world is falling apart 5 years 2 weeks ago #44209

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Hi Lewy

Reading through this, there is already such a positive change in your postings, so think what you are going to be like in a few months. I'd echo what everyone else has said, and the lack of reply to your posts is sometimes simply because what others has said covers it all, certainly not because we are judging you.

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