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TOPIC: Struggling first time dad

Struggling first time dad 1 year 2 months ago #92730

Hi Everyone!

Im sure you’ve heard this many times so apologies for the repeat! I will dive straight into it.

Ive been with my partner since 2016 and from then till now we have been married and divorced and my first child was born a few weeks ago. She also has a son from her previous marriage. So essentially i was a step dad and now a dad to my own. We split in January 2018 however we remained in contact closely not only because she was pregnant but because I genuinely loved and cared for her (another whole issue)!

So June 2018 my own son was born and its been a world wind of an experience. The days leading up to his birth, me being present for it was up in the air. Call it fate, but the day she was rushed to hospital i was there from start to finish. Maybe it was meant to be because she knew how much having a child meant to me. The next 4 days i pretty much stayed with them in hospital from day to night. Caring for her and also trying to wrap my head around having my own lil man in my arms. Did i really help make him??! Felt surreal.

The day of discharge, it was a tough day for me. I knew i would have to say goodbye to this little boy for probably for a month at first. She went to stay with her mum and close family while she recovered. Due to the breakup, obviously I wasn’t able to go to her family’s house. The moment i dropped her and our boy to the door and walked away, it felt like my heart ripped out. Sounds silly as i was going to see him after she recovered and went back to her own place.

For the next few weeks, she factimed and sent loads of pictures and videos of him which made me miss him even more. I craved to hold him and be close to him, weird i know! A few days before she knew she was ready to come home, i went to her place and cleaned the hell out of it, made it baby friendly! After our split, I promised her i will still come to her place to help out and support her where i can. Ive spent the first 4 nights with them before im back to work.

I help her with everything. During our time together as a married couple, i was always a family man and my stepson became very close to me. We created a bond and i guess it remained because it was filled with love and care. I think of him as my own.

With the lil one, i try and do as much as i know i can. Esp at night, i try to let her rest while i attend to him. Its been tough as his a crier when he has his nappy changed, a weird hysterical cry. It panics me and i try to hurry up which im guessing his picking up on. The other half offers to take over as she can see im getting flustered. Out of the 4 nights so far 3 have been a stress.

Im feeling pretty shitty about it and ive tried speaking to her and she says it happens. I feel super crap about it as i feel im doing something wrong. Im determined not to give up.

I guess in the relationship im trying to stay close to her but its not easy at times. Im guessinf feelings and her hormones are all over the place. She took this as a new start again with us, a last attempt for the kids sake even though we divorced. I know its going to take time and it may not even work out if the previous issues arise that broke us. Time will tell i guess.

Anyyway i know this is a mixed post, i dont post alot, infact never its my first time! Its been an emotional few weeks.

If anyone has been through a similar experience then please do share your experience. Im MORE concered about becoming a father and that side of the matter.

Thanks :-)

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Struggling first time dad 1 year 2 months ago #92733

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It sounds like you aren't sure if the marriage should have ended - have you both thought about counselling? It may be that the relationship can be saved - now you are divorced, you both have the chance to try to get it right this time, if that's what you both want.

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Struggling first time dad 1 year 2 months ago #92747

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Hi there

Trust me, all first time Dads struggle to begin with, to have this little squirming bundle completely dependent on you is scary, you think you might break them. Every time you pick them up and when they cry it can strike panic! Pretty soon you'll get to recognise his different cries and will be picking him up one handed... nobody can prepare you for the cataclysmic change that the birth of a child brings, but it gets easier, it really does.

In the meantime here's a link to our Family advice pages, you'll find information about being a Dad at different stages, there's a bit about being a step dad too and a section on relationships.

www.dad.info/family

You're being a great Dad coming to ask for help, but before long you'll be doing those nappy changes with your eyes closed!

All the best

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DadTalk Moderator... I'm not legally trained and my responses are my own views based on my experiences of the family court. I have plenty of common sense and can offer you emotional support and guide you to answers.

Struggling first time dad 1 year 2 months ago #92803

The situation is now...

Because she has a step son apprantly me coming and going to see her and her step som and my own is confusing everyone.

So her family have demanded that she shares no bond with me or her step son and im only allowed to see my son once a week? Like a stranger. Once a week?

The relationship that was working and we were becoming close again, its all over.

Im struggling to accept the fact that me and her finally over and there is not relationship again but more struggling im only gona see my son once a week. Im never going to get to attend to him at night, play with him , feed him none of that. All i get is what an hour or two on a weekend.

Feeling pretty low right now..

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Struggling first time dad 1 year 2 months ago #92821

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I would say that an hour or two a week is a starting point, and as he starts to become less dependent on his mother (stops breast feeding for a start) then you can start to ask for in increase in time. This isn't the way it has to be indefinitely.

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Struggling first time dad 1 year 2 months ago #92824

You are totally right.

Guess its just the emotion making me feel like this. Its hard not being with any of them. Really hard.

Time makes it easier like they say.

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Struggling first time dad 1 year 2 months ago #92836

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Are you sure she is so easily controlled by her family, t is there an element of what she wants but doesn't want to take responsibility for voicing it... easier to blame someone else perhaps?

Breaking up is tough, it's inevitable you will be feeling it, it's been a bit of roller coaster for you. Hopefully things can settle, it will take time...it might help,to,focus on the reasons why you divorced in the first place to help you rationalise your sense of loss.

It might help if you and your ex can work out a parenting plan, I'll give you a link to ours...

dadinfo.splittingup-putkidsfirst.org.uk/home

All the best

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DadTalk Moderator... I'm not legally trained and my responses are my own views based on my experiences of the family court. I have plenty of common sense and can offer you emotional support and guide you to answers.

Last Edit: by Mojo.
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