TOPIC: Children Meeting Partner For The First Time

Hi all,

First time poster long term reader. I hope you can help with a dilemma i am having at present.

Me and my ex split two and a half years ago, we have three sons together, 7 and two 3 year old. The split was difficult, like with any but we remained somewhat close for the sake of our young sons and worked on things amicably. We have not gone to court but agree that i have the boys twice a week for the full day, this is how it has been since we split and continues to be that way. I pay my way with support, mortgage and even contribute to some of the bills to help her out and look after the children when she wants a night out etc. I believe i am very fair and understanding.
The situation changed once i got together with my now partner a year ago. My ex, as expected started acting different towards me doing such things as trying to reduce access, causing arguments etc. She has accused my partner of abusing her via various social media accounts, told various lies to me about my partner, told me partner various lies about me, even tried to get me into bed! Its fair to say that my ex does not approve of my relationship and my partner has done absolutely nothing to my ex at all, not even retaliated in the slightest.

Its come to a point now where me and my partner are becoming serious and are looking to move in together within the next 3-6 months, we are going on holiday, she is planning to take me away for my birthday this year and i would obviously like her to become a part of my children's life. All of which my ex disagrees with because she believes all my spare time should be with the children.
She has not met them to date as my ex has sworn to me that she never will!!!! When we split we agreed that when we do move on it would be best is we met the other partner first before introducing them to the children, but under the circumstances with whats happened i don't think that is the best idea. I could go behind my ex's back and arrange them to meet but i can see that causing issues.

I am wondering if anyone has experienced a similar issue? or has any general advice on the best way approach the issue for the best outcome.

Thanks in advance, any help would be appreciated.

That's a tricky one. How does your new partner feel about it? My gut feeling here is that there isn't going to be any way to win, so it's a matter of which is the least damage, and I think that introducing your kids to your new partner behind your ex's back will lead to a whole world of hurt and spite, so you need to try to do everything as openly as possible. If your new partner will agree to it, then perhaps all three of you meet for a coffee - somewhere public, and make it clear that if it turns nasty, you and your partner get up and leave, and it goes to court. If that isn't going to work, then you need to look at mediation.

I'm sure others will have more opinions - can't guarantee mine is correct, hopefully you'll get enough ideas to help you decide which is the best way forward.

Hi there

This is much more common than you would expect, an ex will often start playing up and making excessive demands once a new partner is on the scene.

I suggest that you attempt mediation with your ex first, this is a requirement before a court application can be made anyway. At least it will give you the opportunity to discuss moving forward, perhaps putting a plan in place to start the process. You can remind her that you had talked about this and had agreed how you would deal with it. If she won't budge you have the option of going ahead and introducing them, and see what happens.... she may well stop contact, or she may accept it.... there's no way of knowing.

By trying mediation first you are giving her the opportunity to be part of the process, if she doesn't agree to anything, she can hardly blame you for moving it forward yourself at some point.

All th best

Hi,

This was the same situation my partner had. He separated from his ex 18 months before we met and all that time he was allowed to see and spend time with the children whenever he wanted. Once we began a relationship and she found out things became so much harder for him and me! She did all what you said has happened to your new partner and luckily I kept all evidence of the nasty things she would message, comment or say to the children about me. (This helped him lots in court to show what kind of person his ex was) almost three years now down the line for us, we are still together and he has a court order in place now so gets regular time with his children. (I still suffer the abuse from his ex regularly unfortunately that has yet to stop)
During the court process his ex did ask the courts that they put in the order that I was not to see or be near their children because I was unsafe. Needless to say I am not unsafe and the courts pretty much told her that they would never stop a parent meeting someone and introducing them too the children unless there was compelling evidence to show the person was not suitable to be around children.
I met his children before we started the court process because things were already strained between them from the moment she found out he was dating someone so it couldn’t get any worse! She was saying such nasty things about me to his children we felt it was best they started to get to know me ASAP. I do also feel it helped during the court process too as both children were interviewed by cafcass and were asked various questions some about me too and I feel they were better able to give an answer based on what they believed I was like, and not solely based on what their mother had told them.

Good luck I hope it all works out for you. Get to mediation as soon as you can I’d say.