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TOPIC: 10yr old son wants to live with me.

10yr old son wants to live with me. 6 years 10 months ago #35491

Hi all. My son recently told his mum that he wants to live with me and now all hell as broken loose.

Brief outline.

I have my son straight from school Tuesday & Thursdays returns 8om in evening (only stays over night if the football is on or a special event this has become more frequent over past couple of yrs) and over night every other weekend friday from school, saturday and returns to mums to go to bed sunday at about 8pm. This has been the case for 6yrs. Prior to this it was just every other weekend and his mum and family were obstructive about my involvement due to the hurt they received from me separating from her.

As I work for myself i was in a great position to be able to take my son to and from school each day for his entire primary school life. However i was denied this right and granny did it instead (would have been less insulting if mum was doing it).

for the past 6yrs things have been amicable between myself and his mum and i have worked hard to make the handovers as pleasant as possible.

since he was 3 he has been asking to live with me and we have had many times of screaming and crying on taking him home. however my stance has always been when you are old enough and strong enough to tell mum that this is what you want then i will totally support you.

Well its happened he has told mum and now her behaviour has become irrational and unfair to all concerned. As a family we are all equal and we always ask the children for their views and opinions on things that effect them. She does not do this at all, he is told. Since my son has told her she has refused to communicate with me at all. I recieved a call from her partner saying i am to talk to him about dylan not her. Its especially important at the moment as the application and section process for secondary schools is due this month. This is what prompted my son to vocaise his feelings as she wants him to go to the school that is local and ranked 15th out of 20 schools in the city and in a rough part of town ,he does not want that.

On top of this his granny the other day told him how many lives he is ruining and that she would stop him from seeing all his friends, his drumming lessons and that he would not let him go to church so that there would be no chance of him getting into the christian school he wants to go to. he was so upset when i got him from school that he said he had thought of killing himself and how he could do it. I raised this with his mum and she ignored me and the situation. Her partner told me that my son and granny had apologised to each other so its fine now. Shocking.

his mum even said to him that she wouldnt be bothered to have to travel the 15 minutes to come and see him if he lived with me. And this coming from a primary school teacher. Just for the record i have walked the 8miles to his school in the rain just to see him in assembly.

I could go on for ages but i wish not to bore you. Any advice would be greatly appreciated. He is not himself and is definitley being emotionally blackmailed. I keep asking him if he still wants to do this (as i see him struggling) and he says yes.

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Its not the size of the dog in the fight but the size of the fight in the dog that counts

Re: 10yr old son wants to live with me. 6 years 10 months ago #35497

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Hi there papasmurf,

I listened to your song for your son, I could feel your frustration and a little anger too! Good song though and from the heart.

Do you have Parental Responsibility? If you were married when he was born, or if you weren't married but he was born after December 2003 and you are on the birth certificate you will have PR....

If the situation is desperate and you do have PR then you could try phoning the police and discussing this with them, tell them that you have PR and that your son wants to live with you and is getting very upset...ask them if they would come and speak to him about his wishes and also ask them what their position would be if you decided to keep him after a contact visit. This is not something I recommend to everyone and it would entail you going to court as a matter of urgency to get the residency officially recognised with a court order.

You might like to think about trying Mediation or Relate as these agencies are both child inclusive and your son would be party to the session, you would have to speak to them about this when/if you make contact. Here's a link

www.nfm.org.uk

www.relate.org.uk ....Relate aren't just for couples that are going through a rough patch, they can also help after break up has happened.

It might be helpful to speak to the school about your concerns for your son, find out if they have noticed any changes in his demeanour or behaviour and perhaps talk about the conflict over which school he is to go to. For the poor boy to have thought about suicide is very worrying and I would suggest you take him to the GP about this. All of these actions will demonstrate that you are putting his best interests first and there will be a record of your concerns if you have to go to court.

Also it might be helpful to keep a record of everything, try and communicate by email and texts with her or if she won't, with her partner so that again you have a record of what is being said.

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Mum and Grandmother, supporting my son who has residency of his son.
I want to see a much fairer system in place, where Dads and their children have a voice that can be heard.
There are many groups of people that have equal rights within our society and its about time Dads were given equal rights too.
Last Edit: by Nannyjane.

Re: 10yr old son wants to live with me. 6 years 10 months ago #35578

Hi thanks for your reply its really appreciated.

I do have Parental responsibility all official which is useful.

Mediation is something i will now pursue so thanks for the links.

I went to the police station on sunday and although they logged my concern they said that i should refer to social services as they couldn't act until something had happened, sadly a reactive response and not the proactive one we were hoping for. Obviusly i was calm but had to leave as i couldnt believe their attitude.

Im going to book an appointment for the gp this week and hopefully we can get to why what was said invoked such extreme emotions.

I had him on a contact day yesterday and did exactly that but firstly i sent a text suggestiong that i have him overnight on each contact day. To which I received no response. 2 hours later i sent a follow up text stating that i took her silence as confirmation that she agrees to the proposal and he stayed over night and was as bright as a button for school today.

I then had a nice (but clearly recorded and semi scripted conversation about secondary schools with her this afternoon, which did end with her saying expect a letter from her solicitor shortly.

so as it stand i await the letter.

Again thanks for your comments and nice words about my song :)

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Its not the size of the dog in the fight but the size of the fight in the dog that counts

Re: 10yr old son wants to live with me. 6 years 10 months ago #35589

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Did you ask the police if they would get involved if you were to keep hold of him after a contact visit...ie if you kept him and the mother phoned them for them to return him to her?

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Mum and Grandmother, supporting my son who has residency of his son.
I want to see a much fairer system in place, where Dads and their children have a voice that can be heard.
There are many groups of people that have equal rights within our society and its about time Dads were given equal rights too.

Re: 10yr old son wants to live with me. 6 years 9 months ago #35726

Yes But after i did it (wednesday) they said that if the child was happy and not at risk then it wouldnt be an issue for the police but for the SS & or the courts which surprised me tbh. Equally the fact she didnt respond to my request and then the text stating that i was taking her silence that it was ok would be good enough for them. Im not anti police but have had a lot of bad experiences with them (for the record ive never been in trouble with the police)

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Its not the size of the dog in the fight but the size of the fight in the dog that counts
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