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TOPIC: New Problems (point me in the right direction)

New Problems (point me in the right direction) 4 years 11 months ago #57898

Hi all.

i'm back again, and right now not sure what to do or where to go.....which I think is going to be similar to most the Dads who come here for the first time.

brief background -

-My Ex and I split up about 2 1/2 years ago at this point
-For this this time I have had my LO pretty much religiously on Tues, Thurs nights and then from 10:00 -12:00 saturday to ~17:00
-About a month ago my Ex decided to move from England to wales
--While I wasn't happy, I didn't see how me doing anything obstructive would help ( while i didn't want my daughter moving so far away, I couldn't see any court in the land preventing it and I didn't want to damage the relationship that I had with my Ex which had been good up until recently).

-During this time I had found a new GF (now been seeing her for about 3 months) and decided to tell my Ex about this to avoid her hearing anything from anyone else.

Since my ex has moved I am now having problems with her letting me have access.....to a degree.

its hard to explain, she has threatened to stop me from seeing my child, though when I explained I had taken out legal advise I think this made her think twice about doing this (I spent literally £1000s that I didn't have to fight for her to have access to her other kids, she knows I will spend every penny I have if needed to secure access to my own).

The problem at the moment is that we are trying to sort out Xmas (first one where she is away and I have a new partner). Originally the plan was I stop there Xmas eve, have a few days there and then take it from there.

She now feels that we wont be able to remain civil, and so doesn't want to ruin our childs christmas (which is fair enough). So I have suggested that she spend till boxing day with her and then my child stops with me until new years day when I take her back.

she has said she will think about this but probably no because -

-She doesn't trust that I wont introduce her to my new partner in those 6 days (some thing that I have Zero intention of doing at this stage).
-She doesn't think our child will cope to be away from mum for that long (as if I have just walked into their life and they don't know me).

I am doing my best to be civil, Im not rising to provocation, all I want it to see my LO as regular as possible without hassle......I feel at the moment like court is the only option, but I really want to avoid this. I don't know what my rights are. how I would fair in court (I would not mind self representing)

I have thought about mediation, though from helping her in gaining access to her other children, I seem to remember this not being legally binding??

Not really sure where I stand, and none of the stickies seem to be particularly relevent.......HELP.

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New Problems (point me in the right direction) 4 years 11 months ago #57900

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Hi there,

how old is your daughter, what is the travelling times between the homes and how long have you previously had contact in the holidays for? These are factors that would be considered if you were to attend court.

Mediation is not legally binding but if you were to agree there, you can apply to have the agreement formalised. Mediation is now compulsory before attending court although depending on the distance between the homes, you might be able to be exempt.

New partners can often cause issues with existing arrangements but should calm down eventually.

Have you tried putting something in writing to your ex as it's sometimes easier to communicate that way?

I don't think what you're asking for is unreasonable (depending on the age of your child).

A court can't generally prevent internal location other than by means of issuing an order that would inevitably be broken if the respondent moved away.

If you get as far as legal action, you can easily self rep for something like this, it's not as daunting as it seems, plenty of Dads on here have done exactly that successfully. You can seek guidance from many places, Coram Childrens Legal Centre, Families Need Fathers, the CAB and some solicitors offer free 30 minute consultations.

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New Problems (point me in the right direction) 4 years 11 months ago #57901

1626 wrote: Hi there,
how old is your daughter, what is the travelling times between the homes and how long have you previously had contact in the holidays for? These are factors that would be considered if you were to attend court.


She is 6
approx 2 - 2 1/2 hours
contact was usually the same so either we would continue with standard days or I would have her extra.



1626 wrote: Mediation is not legally binding but if you were to agree there, you can apply to have the agreement formalised. Mediation is now compulsory before attending court although depending on the distance between the homes, you might be able to be exempt.


This was my concern, so I am not sure what the point of any agreement is if it can be broken.....am I missing anything?


1626 wrote: New partners can often cause issues with existing arrangements but should calm down eventually.


TBH it was a concern telling my ex about my new partner, as I had an inkling that this may upset her. What she doesn't seem to understand is that really until I am looking to potentially move in with my new partner (not on the cards) I wont really be looking to introduce her to my LO.


1626 wrote: Have you tried putting something in writing to your ex as it's sometimes easier to communicate that way?


Most conversations are currently through text and email at the moment (though mainly text)


1626 wrote: I don't think what you're asking for is unreasonable (depending on the age of your child).


Thats nice to know, for me I just cannot understand where she is coming from :(


1626 wrote: A court can't generally prevent internal location other than by means of issuing an order that would inevitably be broken if the respondent moved away.


I suspected that this might be the case, and really didn't want to cause anymore grief to the relationship, as I didn't want to jeopordise the contact I had.



1626 wrote: If you get as far as legal action, you can easily self rep for something like this, it's not as daunting as it seems, plenty of Dads on here have done exactly that successfully. You can seek guidance from many places, Coram Childrens Legal Centre, Families Need Fathers, the CAB and some solicitors offer free 30 minute consultations.


Thank you for the links to other places, I will have to spend some time reading through these. I just don't want to have to go through all this to be able to do what I think is a basic right of a parent. I've fought so hard for her to be able to have access to her other kids, and cant believe she is being like this, when she knows exactly what its like to be in this situation -.-

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New Problems (point me in the right direction) 4 years 11 months ago #57910

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Morning

At 6 years old, the amount of holiday time you're asking for is reasonable given the recent move and distance between the homes.

It's worth attempting mediation if at all possible as you could apply to formalise any agreement, plus it's supposed to be mandatory before court application unless you can be exempt due to distance.

If you haven't already, perhaps you could try another email to your ex, reassure her that you're just as concerned as she is about introducing new people to your daughter's life so therefore you will not be doing this just yet or until things become very serious. Perhaps indicate politely that you will take the matter further and would very much like to reach agreement with her amicably without the help of third party decisions?

It must be awful for you and particularly galling when you have helped her through this situation in reverse.

Try writing the letter and consider contacting a mediator local to your ex, the threat of mediation might be enough to get her to toe the line in the interim until you can agree a structured arrangement going forward.

Good luck :)

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New Problems (point me in the right direction) 4 years 11 months ago #57971

1626 wrote: Morning

At 6 years old, the amount of holiday time you're asking for is reasonable given the recent move and distance between the homes.

It's worth attempting mediation if at all possible as you could apply to formalise any agreement, plus it's supposed to be mandatory before court application unless you can be exempt due to distance.

If you haven't already, perhaps you could try another email to your ex, reassure her that you're just as concerned as she is about introducing new people to your daughter's life so therefore you will not be doing this just yet or until things become very serious. Perhaps indicate politely that you will take the matter further and would very much like to reach agreement with her amicably without the help of third party decisions?

It must be awful for you and particularly galling when you have helped her through this situation in reverse.

Try writing the letter and consider contacting a mediator local to your ex, the threat of mediation might be enough to get her to toe the line in the interim until you can agree a structured arrangement going forward.

Good luck :)


Evening,

Thank you for your reply, I really appreciate the advise. I have told her time and time again, that I'm not looking to introduce her to anyone. Its strange as I've genuinely never deceived her and she has 0 reason to believe otherwise. Also she has introduced our child to several men since we split (which I was both against, and not happy with when she told me).

She is already aware that I am happy to go to court (well not happy, as I would rather avoid it all together) but that I'd have no issue in going.....if that makes sense.

If I speak to a mediator, would they be able to give me more advise on my rights etc......

I just feel like i cant do anything right at the moment, and the fear of having contact removed is really stressing me out. half of me thinks "sod it, just take her through mediation, and court and get it all written down and in place". But it seems a big step and I don't want to over react

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New Problems (point me in the right direction) 4 years 11 months ago #57972

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I understand. Maybe it is worth setting it all out in a letter to give yourself time to think about how you would like to proceed long term. It must be very frustrating and Xmas always aggravates things....

It's quite often the way that the Dad waits to introduce partners but the Mum is happy to have a succession.

Mediators won't give advice and unfortunately all the rights are the child's, not the parents. Some solictors mediate although they're generally more expensive, they will be able to advise on your legal position.

For further advice, you can call Coram Childrens Legal Centre's helpline, Families Need Fathers have a helpline and local branch meetings, the CAB are sometimes helpful and some solicitors offer free 30 minute consultations.

Good luck!

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