TOPIC: Desperate need for help and advise, losing my mind

Desperate need for help and advise, losing my mind 4 years 9 months ago #60435

  • BMurkin
  • BMurkin's Avatar Topic Author
  • Offline
  • Expert Boarder
  • Expert Boarder
  • Posts: 371
  • Thank you received: 9
I apologise for the multiple threads but I'm so lost I don't know what to do.

Background: Wife put a non molestation order on me citing domestic violence but she said via her solicitor they she wants me to have access to our son

Although, I deny domestic violence, we used to argue loads. However i have little evidence beyond my word. It's likely after the hearing the non-molestation order will be upheld.

Anyway, I contacted her solicitor over contact and she said wife is offering the following:

1) She wants to apply for a contact order (I requested 3.5 days)

Although they wouldn't tell me why, I'm guessing that since I still have parental rights my wife is scared that I will not return
our son. So I'm guessing she's applying for residency to get a more solid foundation to negotiate. I fear I might get every other week or something. I want 3.5 days

Her solicitor claimed we can negotiate on the day but from what I heard several judges make a decision based on our cases. Also I read that it's ME who needs to apply via a C100.

Mediation is not possible due to domestic violence but would I need to attend one to get C100 signed off?

2) she is offering daily SKYPE and telephone chats with son

3) once a week contact with my son at a contact centre where i need to pay £50 per hour to be with him

This is brutal and i simply can't afford. I don't get the logic behind it since the issue is between me and my wife. No problem with son.


Is there anything I can do?

I know for a fact that my wife is being led down this path by the solicitors. The conditions are brutal.

I sent an e-mail to my wife pleading with her to be reasonable. The solicitors said they'll send it but warned me they weren't a messaging service. Do you think they'll actually send the e-mail or just read it and only tell her a summary. For example in the letter I tell my wife that I cant afford to pay £50 per hour and to be reasonable, will they just tell her i rejected it and omit the fact I only rejected it because I cant afford it.

I'm so depressed

Please Log in or Create an account to join the conversation.

Desperate need for help and advise, losing my mind 4 years 9 months ago #60436

  • BMurkin
  • BMurkin's Avatar Topic Author
  • Offline
  • Expert Boarder
  • Expert Boarder
  • Posts: 371
  • Thank you received: 9
I feel so alone in this matter.

I know there are millions like me but in this battle there's no one fighting my corner. I'm on my own.

Please Log in or Create an account to join the conversation.

Desperate need for help and advise, losing my mind 4 years 9 months ago #60437

Hello BMurkin,
I am an inexperienced person on this site and new to this type of situation so I cannot give you advice. There are people on here who are very wise and knowledgeable who will.

What I will say is, there isn't anything in the world that stays the same. How you feel at present will change also your situation. Just hang on in there, look after yourself as best you can so that when the changes happen you are strong enough to cope which you will be!

It is heart breaking for you but I think it would be a wise move to accept the offer from the mother to daily Skype and/or telephone with your son. It is not what you ideally want but
IT IS CONTACT WITH YOUR SON (so important)!!!
I believe, the authorities see on going regular contact as crucial and it can only be beneficial to your case. I accept it is very upsetting to have to settle for less at the moment but if you do, it will stand you in good stead later on.
Chin up, you're not on your own!
The following user(s) said Thank You: j2

Please Log in or Create an account to join the conversation.

Desperate need for help and advise, losing my mind 4 years 9 months ago #60438

You're not alone.......you've got us and we've all been through it :)

The courts see this a million times over they will bend over backwards for a child to see their Father it's the law, yeah you've got a non mol on you but thats not the end of the world thousands of dads end up with one it just means you have to jump through a few extra hoops and tick some more boxes but you will get there it's just a rough ride !

A had exactly the same happen to me but without the non mal she was fearing I'd kidnap my girl blah blah blah, try and ignore her, her solicitor and concentrate on getting a decent child arrangement order, you're not depressed it's just stress it's exhausting battling through the court system especially when your missing your flesh and blood what with the finacial impacts it's all to much for anyone.

Try not to let it take over your live little one needs a strong focussed daddy to fight for them things will get worse before they get better you just have to stick in there it's just a matter of time until this is all sorted.

Keep your chin up man :)
The following user(s) said Thank You: j2

Please Log in or Create an account to join the conversation.

I'm no way trained in Family court matters so don't take my ramblings as gospel but I've been through the Court mill and learned so much along the way I just like passing my experience on to other Dads who face this absolute nightmare from hell, you might not be able to beat the system but don't let it beat you :)

Desperate need for help and advise, losing my mind 4 years 9 months ago #60439

  • BMurkin
  • BMurkin's Avatar Topic Author
  • Offline
  • Expert Boarder
  • Expert Boarder
  • Posts: 371
  • Thank you received: 9
Heard back from her soliciter today if I wanted to book the contact centre. Pay £50 per hour to see my son :/

She also said that my wife "stresses that this is a short term solution until an order of the court is made"

Anyone care to elaborate what that means?

Please Log in or Create an account to join the conversation.

Desperate need for help and advise, losing my mind 4 years 9 months ago #60464

  • actd
  • actd's Avatar
  • Offline
  • Moderator
  • Moderator
  • Posts: 10773
  • Thank you received: 1672
It's just a temporary situation to allow contact to continue until the court make a final decision, if, for example, reports need to be done.

Please Log in or Create an account to join the conversation.

Desperate need for help and advise, losing my mind 4 years 9 months ago #60466

  • BMurkin
  • BMurkin's Avatar Topic Author
  • Offline
  • Expert Boarder
  • Expert Boarder
  • Posts: 371
  • Thank you received: 9
Thanks.

Her layers mentioned the possibility of negotiating contact. However based on what I read it appears the judge decide.

I'm seeking shared custody.

Today my wife canceled my agreed telephone call with my son because she was upset that I asked our son to come home when he asked when I was coming. She also claimed that I told him to tell her to ignore the solicitors. I honestly don't remember this and it's a strange thing to tell a baby. I know i didn't say it. It was an emotional discussion. Unlike my wife I don't have my son by my side to help me cope. I return to an empty house everyday.

I am really concerned with the casual way she cut contact. I hope it's not a sign of the future.

How should I approach this concern with her?

Please Log in or Create an account to join the conversation.

Last Edit: by BMurkin.

Desperate need for help and advise, losing my mind 4 years 9 months ago #60472

  • actd
  • actd's Avatar
  • Offline
  • Moderator
  • Moderator
  • Posts: 10773
  • Thank you received: 1672
Unfortunately, it could be a long process, so you need to prepare for that possibility, but if you read the stories on this forum, there are plenty of success stories to varying degrees, so keep looking forward as there is hope (there may be some setbacks, but just take those as they come and keep moving forward. Hopefully Mr Slim will post on here as he's been through a lot (and documented it all on here) so is a shining example (but not the only one) that if you keep on going, and look after yourself (very important), you'll get there in the end, AND you'll know that you did your best for your son, which is important for both you and your son.
The following user(s) said Thank You: j2

Please Log in or Create an account to join the conversation.

Last Edit: by actd.

Desperate need for help and advise, losing my mind 4 years 9 months ago #60483

  • BMurkin
  • BMurkin's Avatar Topic Author
  • Offline
  • Expert Boarder
  • Expert Boarder
  • Posts: 371
  • Thank you received: 9
Thanks my wife is claiming domestic abuse against her but not against my daughter and is happy for me to see her - it's the type of contact.

I have challenged the non molesation but solicitir has advised me to go down the undertaking route since it's my word against hers and ask for "No fact of findings"

It's likely her solicitors will reject this since it wouldn't strengthen her position at the custody contact court.

So what will happen:

- will I need to prove my innocence again? like I said, I have nothing beyond her word against mine.

- so I'm guessing she will make a poor contact offer and I'll be forced to accept or challenger it and be forced to prove her allegations against me.

She hasn't made any allegations between me and the child and has clearly stated she wants me to have contact.

- what's the price range are we taking? I might go via a solicitor since she's using one and I'll get slaughtered if I go it alone.

Please Log in or Create an account to join the conversation.

Desperate need for help and advise, losing my mind 4 years 9 months ago #60515

  • BMurkin
  • BMurkin's Avatar Topic Author
  • Offline
  • Expert Boarder
  • Expert Boarder
  • Posts: 371
  • Thank you received: 9
Just got told off by my solicitor for my 15 e-mails to my wifes solicitors this week discussing various issues like contact. I was told off for trying to negotiate contact before they even notified that they were handling my case to the wifes solicitors.

Do you think my e-mails will be used against me? First e-mail was a contact offer the rest was just frustrated pleas asking my wife to be reasonable. I think I might have shot myself in the foot. The wifes soliciters must be laughing their heads off.

Please Log in or Create an account to join the conversation.

Desperate need for help and advise, losing my mind 4 years 9 months ago #60630

  • actd
  • actd's Avatar
  • Offline
  • Moderator
  • Moderator
  • Posts: 10773
  • Thank you received: 1672
I certainly don't think it will have helped you, so you need to reign it in, but if you have a solicitor now anyway, all contact should happen between your solicitor and hers - and don't bombard your solicitor either as that will cost you a lot - perhaps a weekly email with any questions in one go, that way you will be using your solicitor in a much more cost effective way.

Please Log in or Create an account to join the conversation.

Desperate need for help and advise, losing my mind 4 years 9 months ago #60759

  • BMurkin
  • BMurkin's Avatar Topic Author
  • Offline
  • Expert Boarder
  • Expert Boarder
  • Posts: 371
  • Thank you received: 9
Do I have to inform my employers of the non molestation order? Say if I apply to another job would I need to mention it? What about when applying for bank loans, credit cards etc

Please Log in or Create an account to join the conversation.

Last Edit: by BMurkin.
Moderators: Samantha Downes