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TOPIC: First time expectant father at breaking point

First time expectant father at breaking point 4 years 7 months ago #74066

Good morning.

I have only just registered for the forum, but have been a lurker for a little while, but I'm struggling and a little advice/opinion would be appreciated from others as I have reached my wits end.

So, a little background first:
I'm in my early 30s and run my own business in central Scotland.

I was with a girl, for around 3 months, but ended things as in my opinion she had no respect for my personal space and would never leave me alone. The relationship was not making me happy and I felt I needed to get out, however there was always some reason why she needed to see me and we did end up sleeping together a few more times after the relationship ending. I was told that she was on birth control and that there was a minute chance medically that she would ever be able to fall pregnant, however lo and behold around 7 months ago she announces that she is pregnant.

So we had the chat as to what we should do, my opinion was that given that our situation was such a mess that the best option would be for her to have a termination, but should she wish to go ahead that I would stand by her decision and be there for the child and by proxy her. I did clarify that while I would support them, I would not be getting back into a relationship with her as my parents largely stayed together for the sake of their children and became very unhappy over time, I didn't want us falling into that same situation. I am very much of the opinion that happy parents raise happy children.

Around this time I started to see a councellor specialising in these matters as I felt lost. Children weren't really on my horizon, especially in this manner.

After a great deal of going back and forward over what she was going to do she decided that she would proceed with the pregnancy, I stood by what I had said earlier about wanting to support her. She was still up in the air about this when I went away on holiday for a month over Christmas (was booked long before I met her) and made the early part of my holiday a nightmare but constantly contacting me. There was also a 'friend' on the scene who was messaging me on facebook, who said that he would step in and support her and raise the child and that 'if' I was the father that I could visit. The same friend while I was on the other side of the world sent a card to my old flat where my ex girlfriend (not the pregnant ex) lives, not sealing the envelope, so that my ex found out about my new ex being pregnant in a rather underhand manner. I had to deal with the fallout of that while on my holiday. It was around this time that I first stumbled upon Dad info, took some advice and things improved somewhat for the remainder of my trip.

I did however latch onto the word 'if' that her friend uttered during those messages and told her that I would be looking for a paternity test. While I am sure I am the father and she takes it as a great insult to suggest otherwise, I do feel that my parentage has been questioned by someone she was close to at that point in time and I am therefor within my rights to request a test before commencing a relationship with my son.

Upon my return, I went to see her and we discussed a number of things and stupdily ended up in bed. I take responsibility for this and know that it was stupid and out of order on my part, I wholeheartedly regret this happening, but unfortunately it did, it does however take two. This was the end of December 2015 and it was the last physical contact betwen us, save for a couple of hugs.

Since then she has largely harassed me, usually by text message (all saved and backed up) but has turned up at my flat on several occassions unannounced. Once she got into my stairwell and physically rang my door bell, rather than the external buzzer, hid round the corner so I couldn't see who was there, I went downstairs and talked to her in her car. This was the only time she got into my stairwell, but she has turned up at my flat on several occassions.

There have been a couple of suicide threats, once she turned up at my flat (on halloween, I was due to go to a party and was surrealy dressed as a warewolf) where I had to talk her out of doing something stupid and another couple of occassions. She has got herself drunk on a couple of occassions, the first time after agreeing to give each other space and texted me a load of smut. The second after hearing that I had gone for a coffee with a girl, when she ended up falling down the stairs and ending up in hospital - her friend contacted me to inform me.

At the suggestion of my councellor, I tried to install a little structure to our relationship agreeing to meet with her once a week to discuss anything she wanted to talk about, but the text harassment had to stop. This worked for me, but she felt she was being controlled, was only getting a short amount of my time and her anxieties built up to uncontrollable levels.

This lasted about 4 weeks, before things returned to 'normal'. We agreed that we would not speak again until the baby was born as we both needed some time apart, this lasted about a week before things flared up at the weekend.

I feel like I have had 7 months of harassment, emotional blackmail and manipulation and I'm at the end of my tether. I'm scared that all of this is becomming normal! I've dealt with suicide threats, her getting drunk, her getting drinks spiked, her friends comitting suicide, her getting mugged etc etc etc. I've been asked to walk away, I've been told she loves me, shes scared of me, she hates me, I'm involved, I'm not involved etc etc etc. The uncertainty is a nightmare, even if it's not going to go the way I want it to go, I would prefer to at least know and be able to focus on having to go through the courts.

What has happened now that has shaken me further:

We live around 15 minutes walk from each other, we were bound to bump into each other on occassion and at the weekend she saw me at a local shopping centre with my flatmate. Later the same day she spotted me on my street, out a walk with my dog again with my female flatemate. The text messages commenced, going nuts about the level of disrespect I was showing her by being out with another woman, I tried to point out that it was my flatmate and there was nothing going on with thexception of friendship. She tried to get me to move out of town, I refused, then she said she'd move etc etc. I got up the next day to a string of messages and eventually said that I'd leve her to get on with things if she did what she said she was going to do and left town, which was rather in the heat of the moment, she replied saying good etc but that she wasn't leaving town as I couldn't dictate to her how and where she should live. I don't really care where she lives to be honest, but if I was to have nothing to do with the child, then I seeing her out and about with him would be torture. Anyway, I told her that I would go through the correct channels (CSA/courts etc) to arrange access, that I had rights and that we don't need to talk any more. She replied that she would dissapear and that I wouldn't see or hear of her again.

I had to go out for a while yesterday and when I got back onto my street, her car was parked there. When I left to go to my Office this morning, it was still there. I'm seriously disconcerted by this, there have been numerous suicide threats before and the last I heard from her could be seen as a veiled threat.

The questions I have are:
Do I need to be present to be on the birth certificate?
If I am not named on the birth certificate and she requests maintenance through CSA (I forget their new name) then is it up to her to prove parentage? IE she has to pay for the test.
Any suggestions what I can do about the harassment?
What should I do from now about contact with her?
What should I do about the car on my street?

Sorry for the lenghty post, the whole situation is such a mess, but felt that it needed some explanation, this is the abrevieated version trust me. I know I am partially at fault here and that the above is written from my point of view, we both have our own version of the truth, which I understand.

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First time expectant father at breaking point 4 years 7 months ago #74068

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Hi there

This really is an awful situation to be in, made worse by some serious errors of judgement on your part....still, I'm sure you've given yourself a hard enough time about it and I certainly don't want to make you feel worse.

I think you realise that it's important to try and get some boundaries in place, I can see that you've tried to contain the situation without much success, it's very difficult when she is such a loose cannon.

Family law in Scotland is different and I'm not conversant in what those differences are unfortunately.

Here in England, you would need to be present when the birth is registered. Not being named on the BC doesn't prevent her from naming you as the father to the CMS and it would be up to you to dispute parentage and ask for a DNA test. You would usually have to pay for that, but if it was found that you weren't the father, you would get the cost reimbursed.

It's quite worrying that her car has been parked up in your street with no sign of her, especially as she is unstable and has a history of threatening suicide. In the circumstances I think it might be a good idea to speak to the police, explain what has happened, express your concerns, but also discuss the possibility of an injunction to prevent the constant harrassment. It's not that you've rushed to do this, you've put up with a great deal and can take no more.

It seems to me that contact, both direct and indirect is unhealthy for both of you at the moment and just seems to make her worse. You haven't mentioned whether she's had the baby yet, but if not she must be nearly full term. I think the constant texts have to stop and I don't think contact is advisable without third party involvement, be that a solicitor or one of her family members perhaps and it should be about the child and the child only. It might be that you will need to get some kind of court order to define contact and how that would be established.

I don't think it's going to be an easy ride, I can only hope that things settle down for you. It might be useful for you to have a chat with the Scottish Childrens legal centre, they will be able to give you answers to your questions. Here's a link

www.sclc.org.uk

Best of luck
The following user(s) said Thank You: hibbydaddy

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DadTalk Moderator... I'm not legally trained and my responses are my own views based on my experiences of the family court. I have plenty of common sense and can offer you emotional support and guide you to answers.

First time expectant father at breaking point 4 years 7 months ago #74069

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I remembered a previous post concerning the family law process in Scotland. Here's a link

www.dad.info/forum/legal-eagle/44827-res...order-scotland#69826

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DadTalk Moderator... I'm not legally trained and my responses are my own views based on my experiences of the family court. I have plenty of common sense and can offer you emotional support and guide you to answers.

First time expectant father at breaking point 4 years 7 months ago #74070

Thank you Mojo for your reply.

I will review the link you posted this evening when I get home from work.

I largely agree with everyything that you have said, the issue that is stressing me out most in the short term is that of her car sitting in my street. My plan was to see if it is still there when I return from work and if so to contact the non-emergency (101 rather than 999) police number to give them an idea of what is happening. She did tell me on Saturday that she was visiting a friend who lives locally and would be on my street between x and y o' clock, but there was no need to park right outside my flat and no need for the car to still be there. I had a look at the vehicle last night and could see nothing unterward.

I know I have made mistakes from the start, from trusting her on unprotected sex (I'm particularly annoyed with myself over that one, especially after later finding out that she came off the pill even after I asked whether she was still on it), sleeping with her when I really shouldn't have, right up to being seen out with my flatmate at the weekend (although I would argue that I should be able to live my life). I'm far from perfect in this whole mess!

We were actually getting on pretty well prior to her seeing me out and about with my flatmate/friend at the weekend. It looked like we were going to give each other some much needed space, she had apolgosied for what she had put me through thus far and we were going to review things after she has given birth.

We had suggested arranging access through a third party (likely my Mum), where she would drop the child off with her, then I would go round and spend some time with him in the early stages before leaving and the ex picking him up. I was happy enough with this arrangement, as was my Mum, but then my ex changed her mind. I had offered to get more involved when she returns to work (3 month maternity), picking him up from childcare so that she didn't need to rush home from work, eventually working from home a day a week and then shared access on the weekends.

We went to one couples councelling session at her suggestion, which I thought helped, however she hated it as it brought up issues from her past with me and before me.

She is around 7 months pregnant, with a due date of early June.

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Last Edit: by hibbydaddy.

First time expectant father at breaking point 4 years 7 months ago #74085

The car was still sitting outside my Flat this morning when I left to go to work, which is driving me crazy with worry. Last night before I eventually fell asleep, whenever I heard a car move on the street I was getting up and seeing if it was her car.

I spoke to a couple of my friends last night, one being an assistant psychologist, to discuss the last few days developments. We agreed that I would message her today to try and find out if she is okay, expressing concern, giving her the option of moving her car rather than responding to me as a means to show that she is well. If I have not heard from her by the time I get home from work at around 6pm, or the car is still there at that time then I will phone the police to check on her well being. Any time the police or law has been mentioned in the past it has spurred her into action, so hopefully this will have a similar effect. I'm literally making myself ill with worry over this, given the last thing I heard from her was that she'll "disappear" and that I'll never need to "see or hear about her again".


**Edit** I've heard from her, so thankfully she is safe.

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Last Edit: by hibbydaddy.
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