TOPIC: Ex lets me see my children every other day,HELP!!!

Ex lets me see my children every other day,HELP!!! 1 year 5 months ago #81497

  • Verde
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Hey dad's
I have a very unusual situation and need help resolving quick!
We split two months ago (she left the family home and took my kids with her, no I didn't remove her from the house,she has always been in her family's pockets and at the time she thought it was the best thing to do) but prior to that we was slit as a couple but our arrangement with the children was every other day, and at night I would kiss my kids good night and see them in the morning. Now she has left she still wants to continue with this arrangement but now I pick up 11am from her mums and drop off at 8 with both my children which I'm happy with but she in refusing over night and weekend stay, 3.5 year old daughter and 5month son. Now your all probably thinking you have got it good but I don't, I've not worked in two months due to the fact I want to spend this time with the kids because the other arrangement she suggested and I explained I needed to get back to work to provide and pay the mortgage was two hours on a Tuesday, Thursday after work and 7hours every other Saturday but no over night stays what so ever, that's can't be normal? And if I don't go back to work soon the pot will be empty and I won't be able to pay for child maintenance or the mortgage and I'm not seeing my children 11hours every other week my son won't know who I am. She is being very difficult with flexibility on the times, I once ask her to allow me to return the kids between 7-8 on a Saturday and she didn't give the the kids until I texted her in black and white I would return them bang on 7. Doors shut in my face and I didn't see the kids that day. SHOULD I BE HAPPY? With what I have or can the courts see I just want quality time with my kids, plan fun weekends with them without looking at the clock incase I'm a minute late.

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Ex lets me see my children every other day,HELP!!! 1 year 5 months ago #81501

  • Toks
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Hi Verde. On the one hand, her reluctance to agree to overnight stays could be for a variety of 'positive' reasons: is your son is still being breastfed, hence her belief that a night away from her isn't practical yet? Your daughter is old enough for overnight stays in my opinion, but it is possible the mother is not wanting to separate them, and considers your son too young to be away from her overnight.
On the less positive hand- it's possible she is just assuming the 'mother knows best' stance, and arranging things accordingly irrespective of your wishes. She could be trying to ensure she gets the highest amount in child maintenance from you, as this is calculated on the number of overnights the children spend with the 'non-resident' parent (and at the moment the children are spending all their nights with her), though if you're not earning because you can't find work under the current arrangements, you will not be able to pay much towards maintenance in any case.
Perhaps your first step would be to try to communicate your wishes and reasons calmly again with her, and listen to her viewpoint either face-to-face, or in the presence of a mutual friend. Or you could communicate via email or letter - whichever you think is best. It's possible you might be able to agree to a timetable for when the overnights can start. If not, you would need to consider going down the mediation route to help resolve this or take it to the next level (court). You mentioned the mother blocking the kids seeing you altogether when you asked for flexibility. If this behaviour becomes a persistent occurrence, you might be better with a Child Arrangements Order in the long run.
Your children having quality time with both parents is important.
Good luck!

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Last Edit: by Toks. Reason: spelling error

Ex lets me see my children every other day,HELP!!! 1 year 5 months ago #81505

  • Verde
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Hi tok
Thanks for the reply
My son isn't being Breast feed, never did and has no special requirements. Eats every 3 hours, plays for a bit, sleeps for a bits. This is the rotiune I see from him when I have him every other day. And we both live a stone throw away, I timed it the other day 6 min walk, in regards to mediation we have both attended. And she wanted to give me that 11hour every other week arrangement, if I do go to court will the judge give me LESS time with them if he court orders every other weekend? Should I try shared care as I think it's right to say I'm sharing the kids at the moment without the over night anyway. With maintenance is it right that if I don't earn she don't get?

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Ex lets me see my children every other day,HELP!!! 1 year 5 months ago #81510

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If you can come to an arrangment, it's probably worth trying that before going to court - there's no guaranteeing what a court will order, but what yoi are getting might not be too far from what could be granted.

with regards to maintenance, it is based on your income so if you earn nothing, then there can be no maintenance (though CMS may use your last years income for the initial calculation), but if you aren't earning, then what are you going to live off? And paying no maintenance means that your son would suffer.

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Ex lets me see my children every other day,HELP!!! 1 year 5 months ago #81528

  • Mojo
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Hi there

I would imagine her reticence to agree to overnights is the age of the youngest and the fact that you've only been split up for a couple of months. Let her know that the arrangement is ok for the next couple of months but then you will need to negotiate an increased schedule to include overnights, so that you and the children can have proper quality time together at weekends.

You might like to think bout asking her to work on a parenting plan with you, you could then work out a schedule of increasing contact that you can both agree to. The parenting plan is very comprehensive and covers all aspects of co parenting.

All the best

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Not legally trained... just plenty of experience and common sense!

Ex lets me see my children every other day,HELP!!! 1 year 5 months ago #81529

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Here's a link to further information, there's a link to the CAFCASS parenting plan and also to our own her at Dad.Info

www.dad.info/forum/legal-eagle/38959-cafcass-parenting-plan

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Ex lets me see my children every other day,HELP!!! 1 year 5 months ago #81840

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Hi
My situation has gone from bad to worst now. I have now lodged for c100 with the courts and contact has stopped, I used to see my son who is 5 months now every other day for 9 hours but she now wants me to see him 3 hours very other Sunday. She also called the police as I didn't agree with her new arrangement and went ahead and wanted to collect them as I used to which was every other day from 11am. The police did not arrest me nor was I convicted of any crimes. This has happened 4 times now, I've never have a criminal record or have been in trouble with the police ! My question is will this police being called out go against me when I'm standing in front of a judge, even tho I have clear evidence why I was making a fuss and eager to see my children?

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Ex lets me see my children every other day,HELP!!! 1 year 5 months ago #81842

Hi. If you have clear evidence to prove you have not been violent or threatening during these episodes I can not see why it would go against you. Probably best not to push the care to much now until going to court so as not to further disrupt your children.

In my personal opinion although having every other day sounds good I'd imagine the practicality of that would be a nightmare with work etc. Also if you both move on with new relationships will that strain things further because of the fact you are seeing each other on pick ups etc so frequently. If you got say every other weekend Fri to Sunday night and maybe one overnight in the week, this would potentially alter your CMS payments because of the overnights, you'd have planned set days to be able to arrange work around and nothing stopping you requesting more time as your children get older.

You mention shared care but also mention not being able to work with the current arrangement. The courts may ask how your funicular situation be different if you were able to have them half the time.

Good luck and I think the C100 was the best way forward

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Ex lets me see my children every other day,HELP!!! 1 year 5 months ago #81861

  • Verde
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Thanks for replying Stacey 1981.

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Ex lets me see my children every other day,HELP!!! 1 year 5 months ago #81868

What were the reasons the police were called? To return the children? If you have parental responsibility they can't force you to do anything.

From my personal experience i would say, and I know it is easier said than done, but try and remain calm. Try and think about what would be your long terms goals. For example seeing your children every other day would be marvelous but would it be practical? IE how would you start and maintain a career. I used to see my son every Friday after nursery to Saturday 6pm. This was an interim order. Once his mum started working again she had very little time with him and i ended up changing the plan so that weekends were alternated as I realised that my son needs quality time with his mum and his dad. Although my full weekends do not kick in till end of August. But tbh, i also realised i needed a weekend to myself. That may sound selfish but the free weekends were so that i could have time to clean the house, do his laundry, prepare his meals and plan activities etc.

When I was going through it all, I got caught up too much in getting to see my son as much as possible and not thinking practically. So clear your head and think what would physically work the best for all of you, even your ex partner.

When you go to court the status quo is with the children's mother. You need to be as patient as you can and understand that overnights will happen but it will take time. The more you push it, the more you risk making the mother angry which will work adversely as she will try to prevent it as much as possible.

Contact maybe difficult with her, but do ask to see your kids and do ask about over nights (written). When i say ask about over nights i mean try to formulate a plan with her for when overnights could start to take place.

BTW the more pragmatic and cautious your proposal is the more chance you have of it being looked at in your favour. If you say you want over nights to start immediately it may not be seen favorably.

My last bit of advice is, again from my personal experience, even though you maybe in the right, the more you anger the mother the more difficult things can become. Keeping them sweet has much more advantages for the long term relationship between you and your children AND their mother.

I wish you all the best mate.

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Ex lets me see my children every other day,HELP!!! 1 year 5 months ago #81876

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Having the police called won't necessarily go against you but I wouldn't put yourself in that position any more. CAFCASS will contact you before the first hearing and they will probably want to discuss these incidents. Stay calm, don't slag the mother off and answer the questions they put to you from the childrens perspective.

If she won't allow contact in the interim, let the court do their job and hopefully you will get it re started asap.

Best of luck

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I have several years experience supporting parents in family proceedings as a McKenzie Friend. I am, however, not a lawyer or barrister and my responses are based on my own opinions or experiences of the family court.

Ex lets me see my children every other day,HELP!!! 1 year 4 months ago #82067

  • Verde
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Thank you so much for your advice guys my first court hearing is on the 23rd of march I cannot wait.

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