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TOPIC: Advice on what to expect in the next few months

Advice on what to expect in the next few months 1 year 1 month ago #90990

Hi everyone I’m looking for a bit of advice on what I’m going to expect in the next few months ahead. My case will be in Scotland just for anyone advising I know the law slightly differs between Scotland and England.

So I have been split from my partner for 2 weeks today just a short time I had been with her for 9 years and have a young son who is 4 years old. I had caught her texting another man start of December and had left her then but she talked me into going back once she had her op and I felt I had to go back to support her and my son so that’s what I done. For the past 2 years my ex partner had developed a drinking problem drinking everyday just to give yous an idea I had been living with her while she has been suffering from alcoholism . She had been off work sick since December 17 due to having an operation and in that time between dec to 2 weeks ago I was noticing that her drink problem had doubled and I was starting to find bottles of alcohol all over the house hidden under things in cupboards etc I tried to speak to her on few occasions but she wouldn’t speak about it she would just blow up and swept under the carpet then 2 weeks ago it was during the day and she was drinking cheap cider out of a tea cup my young son was there and I challenged her on why she was drinking alcohol in a tea cup during the day again she blew up and started and argument I left with my son and later returned at night. When I got up for my work the next day it wasn’t until I had gotten to work I had noticed she had slashed my works bag with knive or something my work trousers and my work jacket she had also smashed my insulin pen which I need for being diabetic and also had broken smashed in one of my beats earbuds that I had just gotten she had done all this because I had challenged her about her drinking. So I decided to text her from work asking why did she do that and she denied it so I then said ok when I finish work I’m moving out. She then phoned me and said yeah move out all your stuff will be lying in the street for you coming home from work.

I then went to my manager and explained to him everything that had happened as he was aware I had been having problems with her and had been attending al a non meetings because of her drinking. He suggested to me that I leave work at lunch time and go back and get my belongings when she wasn’t expecting me. So I did this and when I got home I then started to pack my belongings into bags and she then came into the room grabbing my clothes and trying to fling them out bedroom windows she then started to attack me I restrained her without hitting her just by using reasonable force to the ground she said she was calm and I let her up she then said I’m phoning the police I’m taking you down your never seeing your son again if you leave. So I continued to get my stuff then after about 15 mins the police turned up she had phoned them indeed. She told the police I had been battering her about the living room for over 2 hours but I had only been in the house 30 mins the police took me away to the police station voulantry they were really good with me when we got to the police station they asked a few questions which I did not answer as in Scotland you have the right to remain silent but on the way to the police station I had told the police about her drinking and that she had been using drugs (speed) on top of all her meds on a daily basis for high blood pressure and diazepam the police agreed with me that I had not touched her she never had a mark on her the house was fine my son was fine they explained they go into situations like that on a daily basis and they let me go without charge. And I must add I have never been violent and I have no record of domestic abuse with any authorities. The police even said to me that she was a bit of a bunny boiler for what she done to my belongings and asked if I wanted to make a complaint I however declined they then told me that they would be highlighting my concerns in there report to social work.

Now I haven’t seen my son for 2 weeks with him last seeing me leaving with police I’ve had no contact what so ever. My ex partner has arranged with my mother to give us access the last 2 weekends and she hasn’t showed saying she’s not got a charger for her phone so it’s been off but this has just been a lie. I know someone who is friends with her and they told me today that she has been to women’s aid yesterday and that she’s got social work turning up unannounced so she’s obv attending women’s aid to claim domestic violence or abuse or even both but as I said this has never been in our relationship. We split when my son was 1 year old for 6 month and she done all this went to women’s aid etc and I had been to a lawyer for access to my son her lawyer wrote back saying no because I was a violent person so we then applied to court for access and out of the blew she phoned me after 6 months no contact and said she wanted to start contact with me and my son and didn’t want it going to court.

Today I contacted a solicitor and I have an appointment with her for next week so I can start things moving I know what to expect from the ex’s solicitor all she is going to say is domestic and that my ex doesn’t want me to have contact with my son same as last time but I’m not leaving it I’m going to take this all the way threw court money is no matter I want to have my relationship with my son as I will never get back with her and if she arranged contact it’s always going to come back to this at some point so my aim is to get access in a court agreement and get her out my life for good. Obv a lot more stuff has happened with her and I have really suffered mentally in that relationship it’s only no I see it but I’m not trying to paint a bad picture of my ex I’m just explaining my situation and what’s happened and I’m looking for advice from anyone who has also been threw this and faced false acusations they don’t really bother me because it’s lies and the truth always comes out end of the day and she will hate going to court never mind having to go to court and lie under cross examination I just hope my solicitor is good at catching her out.

In the mean time I’m really concerned for my son living with her when she is behaving the way she is drinking everyday and using drugs on top of prescription drugs. After work it would just be me and my son I would take over when I got in and she would just get drunk ever night. So I know what he’s living in right now and I know she is still in denial and won’t admit she has a drink problem until she hits her rock bottom I’ve also been told that these are defence mechanisms of someone suffering alcoholism I really want her to get the help she need for my sons sake if I could take him away from her I would but I know it’s going to be a long court process just can’t get my sons well-being out my head. I’ve considerex phoning social work but would they even believe me as she’s telling them lists of lies.

Anyway thank you for taking the time to read this I know there is support on here hope someone can advise me on what I’m now about to go threw as I have never been in a family court of anything like that. And as for the accusations should I challenge them or should I just let her say it all and wait for the truth to out in court ? Would I need any sort of evidence

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Advice on what to expect in the next few months 1 year 1 month ago #90996

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Hi there

It must have been so hard for you to live with this for so long and you must be worried for your sons safety. He must be your priority and I think it's important that you share your concerns with Children Services.

It's admirable that you have faith that the truth will come out, but I think you need to be more realistic. If she has got Women's Aid behind her, they will be coaching her about what to say and how to get what she wants.

The family court have to investigate any allegations that are made and it will help you to gather any evidence you have to disprove her version of events, I'm sure your solicitor will advise you to challenge her accusations.

The fact that you want her to get help and don't want to enter into tit for tat with her is the best attitude to have, but that doesn't mean that you can't speak up about what worries you, your sons safety and well being should be at the centre of your approach and as it stands he is at risk because of her alcoholism. I would certainly suggest that you instruct your solicitor to ask the court to order hair strand and blood tests to check what her levels are.

All the best
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Advice on what to expect in the next few months 1 year 1 month ago #91007

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This might help you to understand the process in Scotland.

static1.1.sqspcdn.com/static/f/861186/24...zTxUZyl7TzziiOtn0%3D
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Advice on what to expect in the next few months 1 year 1 month ago #91008

Hi mojo thank you for your messages and the link I’m looking on there now.

It had been so hard living in that I’m actually considering going to speak to a councillor because of the hard time I’ve had living with my partner and her alcoholism. My main priority just now is my son I’m worried for his saftey I know he is looked after also as majority of her drinking is done late at night that’s when she really lets go. Although I’m still really worried as with me not being there to look after him I feel she will be neglecting him at times so she can drink and I really want to speak with social services but because I now know she’s been to women’s aid I’m worried social services will not believe me and I don’t want to damage my case she will be expecting me to go to social services and I think that’s why she’s using women’s aid as a defence mechanism cause she’s unwilling to admit to being an alcoholic as my son is under 5 and that would mean she would be under constant supervision then she can’t drink. So it’s all just to defend her drinking I’ve spoken with al a non again tonight to try get some understanding to her actions. They advise speaking with social work also as I said I’m scared they don’t believe I know they are already in contact with her due to incident other week with police so the lies will be rolling with social work so she can get rid of them.

I understand women’s aid will be coaching her and what to say but I know she won’t want to go to court never mind have to go there and try lie court she suffers anxiety threw her alcoholism so court won’t be something she will want.

When the family court do there investigations what kind of evidence is good evidence to have for court for my side ?

Yes hopefully she will hit her rock bottom sooner rather than later with me no longer there I was holding the household together for a very long time emotionally and financially I had been working 12 hour shifts every weekday to pay for our holiday which I’ve now cancelled and this will pay my legal costs. My finances are a bit of mess with mr earnings mostly being all outgoings for her. The car I pay she has her 2 iPhone contracts in my name that I pay and her loans etc sky bill etc. I’ve enabled her drinking doing all this as she has had her own money to buy the alcohol daily. I will instruct my solicitor to carry out tests if this can be done this would be a good thing and I will think more about speaking with social services also and highlighting my worries with them just a novice when it comes to this and the fear factor has got to me a bit because I don’t want it to seem like I’m doing it to be bitter towards her because I know she will 100% be playing them she done it to me for 2 years drinking she will do it with them no problem.

Thanks again for your reply’s mojo

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Advice on what to expect in the next few months 1 year 1 month ago #91009

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You're welcome Lisbon.

I would also ask the court for a hair strand test for amphetamine.

If you're worried about your child in the evening, you can request that the police make a welfare visit to check that he is ok. This might highlight her drinking.

The trouble with not speaking to Social Services is that when it comes out, they will question why you didn't speak to them sooner if you were worried for his safety.

I would advise that you stop enabling her financially, you can cancel Sky and the phone contracts, stop paying her loans and other household bills, these are now her responsibility. If the car is in your name I would take it back into your possession, if not, it's her responsibility to pay for it.

I understand that you don't want to be seen to be getting at her, if you contact Social Services you can explain why you are stopping financial support, (except for child maintenance) that it's not out of spite, but because it enables her drinking.

In the the link I sent you'll find a link to the FNF Scotland website, they organise meetings and there's also a contact number, it might be helpful if you attend the meetings and ask for some direct support.

I have to apologise for the situation with the forum at the moment, we recently had an upgrade and there are still some glitches to be ironed out... hopefully it will be back to normal soon.

All the best
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Advice on what to expect in the next few months 1 year 1 month ago #91012

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I can only echo everything Mojo has said. Excellent advice and it's really important to get some support around you now. Best of luck
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I have several years experience supporting parents in family proceedings as a McKenzie Friend. I am, however, not a lawyer or barrister and my responses are based on my own opinions or experiences of the family court.

Advice on what to expect in the next few months 1 year 1 month ago #91025

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I've been through a lot of this. Firstly, do not blame yourself for enabling her to drink - she would have found a way to do it on her own. If she's drinking alcohol from a tea cup, she's found ways to disguise it (my ex used to pour gin into a soft drink bottle so she could fool people during the day) and, to be honest, I would suspect it may have been going on for longer than your realise. You also contradict yourself slightly in saying that you think your son is safe because she drinks mainly late at night, but you also think she's held it together for so long because you've been there - you aren't any longer, so she no longer has that restriction, plus she's going to blame her drinking on you leaving her (I'd keep going to al-anon, they are very good at showing you how manipulative alcoholics can be).

I would definitely be on to children's services - let's face it, you are already about a low in her estimation as you can be, so don't concern yourself with that, your priority now is your son and also your own state of mind and health. It can take a long time for an alcoholic to hit rock bottom, and I'm afraid even when they do, they don't always want to recover from that.
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Advice on what to expect in the next few months 1 year 1 month ago #91044

Hi thanks for your reply’s to my messages i really appreciate them and the advice yous are giving me.

I have cancelled a lot of the direct debits and the car was a lease which has now ended and the car is now away back to dealer.so I have started to stop all the enabling her. I haven’t had any chance to get in touch with social work as it has been the holiday weekend.

However my mother had attended my ex partners house this morning to give my son Easter present and Easter eggs. When she was in my ex partners house my mum said she was shaking but everything looked calm and my son was sitting playing a game on his iPod. My mother had asked if we could have my son for a few hours but refused and said she was going out. She then gave my mother a number for me to call social workers she’s been seeing voulantry she told my mother that they had been at my house last weds after working hours which I was in and there was no one at my house on the said nigh also she said social workers put a note threw the door which there was no note either also she said they have been trying to contact myself by phone again I’ve had no missed calls or voicemails that I haven’t returned have checked all calls in my log and not one is from them. She said she has them attending her house because of what my son has said to them after she told my mum my son didn’t say a lot to them as he is shy with people he’s unfamiliar with. It seems she is telling some sort of lies here I have been considering calling social work for over 2 weeks now so I’m going to contact them I’m unsure whether to do this before or after I have spoken with my solicitor ? I think she will have played the victim with social work I find it strange that she is saying they want to speak to me I would have thought I would have received a letter from them at least and not just her saying they have atttempted to get me when this is pure false. I will speak to social work about my child’s well being saftey etc however I’m not willing to play her game and answer her false claims I would rather wait to it gets to court for that to prove my innocence. I have never dealt with social work before and I’m unsure how to deal with them as I haven’t herd good things about social work can any of yous advise how this will go when I do contact them ? I must add this was why i was holding back from contacting social work the past 2 weeks as I know my ex partner has spoken with them more than once so I know she will be telling them lies to cover up her drinking so my fear was socia work won’t believe me as she had spoken with them first I will ask my solicitor when I stand with them but my appointment is not until later in the week.

Thanks again for all your reply’s.

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Last Edit: by Lisbon67. Reason: Added content

Advice on what to expect in the next few months 1 year 1 month ago #91061

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it's best not to think about what she may have said to SS, or what they mi that be thinking. Your solicitor would probably advise you to talk to them because of your safety concerns.

I think you should contact them ASAP, use the number she has given you and tell them what she said about them trying to contact you and that you have absolutely no record of it. Just be honest with them, tell them what has been happening and why you had to leave. You can tell them how worried you are for your son and for her.

It's about telling them what is happening, not as way of getting her into trouble, but as a way of getting her the help she needs. If she has medical problems and is recovering from an operation, all the more reason to be worried. You wouldn't be normal if you weren't!

Of course she's going to try and cover up her drinking, if she lies then she's likely to get caught out at some point, just stick to the truth, be calm and reasonable and show concern. Once in court your solicitor really needs to push for testing for both alcohol and speed. Your sons safety and well being are all that matters, but if you don't open up about what is going on that could throw doubt on it when you begin to in court... If you're worried you need to speak up about it.

All the best
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Advice on what to expect in the next few months 1 year 1 month ago #91070

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I agree entirely - you need to speak up about this. Your ex's drinking will get worse if there is noone to keep an eye on it
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Advice on what to expect in the next few months 1 year 1 month ago #91075

Hi thanks again for your advice.

I did phone social work today I only spoke with a receptionist though and I have made an appointment to go in and speak with them this Friday.

I realise I just have to be honest with them and highlight my concerns I’ve just been worried because I know my ex partner will be playing them against me and has been speaking with them for nearly 3 weeks now . It’s just the not knowing how to deal with social work that had me worried However after thinking today I will just be keeping it about my son and his well being and I’ll explain what it’s been like living in that environment for us all with her alcoholism and how it has effected us and will still be effecting us threw this tough time.

So I have my 1st appointment with my solicitor on Thursday and social services on Friday so I’ll have more to write about this then.

I really appreciate the advice and I will be taking it on board when it comes to speaking with social services. I need to go into this fearless for my son and I realise that so thanks for pointing me in the right direction on dealing with social work.

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Advice on what to expect in the next few months 1 year 1 month ago #91087

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Let us know how you get on.

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