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TOPIC: advice for going forward

advice for going forward 7 months 3 weeks ago #91405

Hi bit of long one

baby is 6MO

Thrown out of home of partner 6 months before Birth - kept from scans etc (lies and deceipt was never there when needed during pregnancy etc etc) has said i walked away - a lie. this is the start of her "plan" along with her "special friend and others" - i believe she got pregnant for money purposes as she never been with someone who is well paid

Mediation was sabotaged to what Ex wanted - 2 agreements neither honored by her.

Agreed name was changed without any input from me

she wanted contact 1 hour a month - managed to get 3 consecutive 1 hour contact on subsequent weeks. 4th week, baby snatched after 15 minutes. i almost dropped him apparently

court in background ( started as soon as baby born). lies on C1 response form - never got chance to reply.
Cafcass recommend supervised access on first report, judge agreed on basis that i almost dropped him - never did, and no evidence. ordered Cafcass to arrange access

Cafcass report is full of contradictions - cafcass never picked up on this.


New Cafcass officer - clearly biased towards mother - misquoted me, lies in her report (2nd cafcass report), Had no contact for 6 months other than those inital 3 hours 15 minutes on first 4 weeks. showed threats where she "worried for my career" only for my main contract to be cancelled a few weeks after. CafCass said we both hostile. cafcass however did not like my questions of them asking them to justify their decisions and recommendations, which they will not do

Position statement submitted to court for same hearing as the second cafcass report ( position statement submitted via legal council but against my legal council request) stating 15 points in legal papers ( form C1 and Cafcass report) stating she has lied and i have irrefutable evidence to support. Told off by judge as he does not deal with me direct - position statement not considered.

Cafcass closed the supervised access, stating i refused - i did not, but they sat on it for months then because i could not attend ( no discussion as to when available just told it will happen on this day). they closed it

Mother has history of making allegations, none of her kids see their dad (kids with now 3 separate dads).

Further allegations trying to play victim and i am selfish, rejecting my son, disrespectful etc etc etc...........

maintenance paid into her account, now the account is "closed" and wants me to go through CMO - i refused as i said i am doing what is responsible and sensible

Clothes sent - according to the size she wanted and told too small and manky - now appear to have stains on and damage - she has a history of this also.

Now new Cafcass officer- (3rd one) and supervised contact to be rearranged from scratch again.

All i want is for my son to get the benefit of both parents

can you tell me what else i can do? i still do not have parental responsibility?

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advice for going forward 7 months 2 weeks ago #91424

  • actd
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I would say that you are doing everything you need to by going to court to get contact.

With regards to maintenance, if she opens a case with CMS, then you can't refused to deal with them, so you need to cooperate, and they will disregard any payments you continue to make privately.

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advice for going forward 7 months 2 weeks ago #91429

Thanks actd.
Since my initial post, she has since told me she closing her bank accounts and moving. She has already moved once. All this while claiming she has no money to the courts.

She opened CMS but closed it when I challenged DNA over something she said to cafcass. Court already started at this point.

I reckon its all to delay and build frustration, which wont work with me I dont think but all the delays impact on any bonding, and on childs wellbeing.

I think despite rhetoric of every case different, courts and cafcass shoehorn all cases into a "standard model". Give the example of I need supervision to gauge my parenting skills? Based upon no evidence yet no one asked if I had experience. I have looked after many babies. How can cafcass base their recommendation on hearsay? I know this is moany. But it is a sham, and all the time the scheming ex can generate her wicked lies. And put more distance between myself and my boy.

This country wants to promote equality. So hypocritical of the people in power. Back to court in two weeks with nothing being moved forward.

Sorry, rant over. Update soon

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advice for going forward 7 months 2 weeks ago #91466

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Hi there

I think the lack of continuity with CAFCASS hasn't helped your case, do you still have legal representation or are you self repping?

As hard as it is, you will have to change approach, these agencies require that you present in a certain mannner, being non confrontational, towing the line and jumping through all the hoops they present you with, all the while remaining calm and reasonable.

It's up to you to show them that you can be a good father, this can be arriving at supervised contact with age appropriate snacks and toys, knowing how to engage with your child and doing the basics like checking their nappy and ensuring the area of play is safe. As the contact is supervised, there will be a support worker taking notes on the contact visit, which can often work in a parents favour.

Best of luck

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DadTalk Moderator

Not legally trained... just plenty of experience and common sense!

advice for going forward 7 months 2 weeks ago #91469

Hi and thanks for the advice it is much appreciated. It is so intrusive though. Can I get some thoughts and advice on the following.

1) supervision has not started, there needs to be a meeting including the ex. I feel like I need to record this, being open about it but record it none the less. The ex would object of course but I feel to be able to be treated fairly ( cafcass has shown they are more than capable of misrepresentation, lies and no integrity) what are the thoughts?

2) for each contact session, have a form produced which states and is signed by observer that all is ok.or where intervention has occurrd to agree the reason. This is to stop anyone changing their view later later ?

3) yhe ex has positioned herself to be in the near vicinity when contact takes place. This is clearly to unsettle the situation. Baby is 6mo. The reason given is to minimise distress if baby gets distressed. I am for all intent a stranger to him. Is this typical? I would have thought that this approach undermines the person doing the observation? As I would say if mother is needed, then observer cannot be suitably capable to deal with the situation. If this is typical what can I expect. If mother in the immediate, visible vicinity then this clearly adds an extra level of complexity.

Any advice on these aspects appreciated

Thanks all

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advice for going forward 7 months 2 weeks ago #91477

  • Yoda
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As mojo has said, you need to change your attitude and jump through the hoops. Your current stance on the situation is only going to slow the relationship with your son progressing.

When you say supervised contact....is this in a contact centre? That's your best bet as the mother wouldn't be involved and the supervisor would prepare a report for each session. These reports can then be used as evidence in court.

If you constantly challenge everyone or act with suspicion and want to record meetings, it will just put everyone's backs up and won't do yourself any favours. The system isn't perfect but on the whole, it does work.

Personally, I would make sure your contact is supervised, in a centre, which means a report will be produced for each session. From there, you can progress to supported, in a centre, and subsequently into the community unsupervised.

Best of luck

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DAD.info Moderator

I have several years experience supporting parents in family proceedings as a McKenzie Friend. I am, however, not a lawyer or barrister and my responses are based on my own opinions or experiences of the family court.

advice for going forward 7 months 2 weeks ago #91485

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.. you're right, it is intrusive, but the courts wouldn't be upholding their duty of care to the child, if they didn't look in detail at the situation, that entails intrusion into parents lives.

If you want to record the interview, as Yoda says, it might not work in your favour. Perhaps you can ask CAFCASS if they can record the meeting and provide minutes, as you often don't take everything that has been said on board and only remember parts of what is discussed. That way it's not as confrontational. Cafcass do talk about transparency in their operating framework. There are some stickys about this at the top of the legal eagle section that you may find useful.

If you ask for supervised contact at a contact centre, there will be notes taken during the contact session that should be made available to you. Dads going through supervised contact have often found this useful.

Discuss your concerns about her being so close by during your contact session and politely request that she sit in another part of the building, to allow you to be able to relax with your child without being watched. If she is still in the building, she is available quickly should she be needed. The support worker would also be a stranger to your baby and if he gets too distressed and can't be settled, I would accept that the mother may need to intervene.

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DadTalk Moderator

Not legally trained... just plenty of experience and common sense!

advice for going forward 7 months 2 weeks ago #91494

Thanks guys for the advice.
To Help Clarify, i did not ask for Supervised access - the courts imposed it following the accusation as detailed - though there is no merit whatsoever in the accusation. I get they have to be reasonable and consider everything, however all the time these delays do not encourage any bond whatsoever.

The mother is implacably hostile - it is a case of getting the courts to believe this, i have the evidence to demonstrate this though the court have yet to see it. i know they dont like the terms however the current position is directly a result of the mothers behaviour and planned 6 months before giving birth - she is trained in child welfare to a high level so she knows how to play the system.

I Also dont accept the court system generally works, i think it may eventually get there for most people - but at what cost? emotional and financial there are plenty of situations where a no order is ordered by the court due to mothers being implacably hostile and permenantly damaging the childs conception of their father and no criminal proceedings taking place.

I expect further accusations to come, police arrests etc etc.

What i want to do is maximise the impact of my position and minimise delays etc etc.

I will take your all your words on boards though.....however i look at it a little in this way. what you have said is entirely sensible in a rational, logical way - however i am not sure how effective they are in an irrational, illogical circumstance.

Thank you all - will keep you posted of developments as they occur

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advice for going forward 6 months 4 weeks ago #91789

OK, so quick update. Court was (did happen) on 10th of May - this was to update on the supervised access. Since supervised access has not even started. i did not attend ( my solicitor said would be ok) as it would be adjourned. Have had no confirmation that this has happened.

Emailed and Text Cafcass - you get next to nothing from them, other than the referral went in to the preffered supplier - still waiting to hear - give them a call!!!

Tried giving them a call - finally after 3 days, and numerous texts etc i got through, saying they have recieved it, but will not look at it until 22nd May, which is when we will arrange to have a meeting with both parents present. Iasked if both parents need to be present - and i was asked, do i take it you want separate meetings? I said i have not said that, i am just trying to understand how this works as i have been provided no information.

I asked if the meeting could be minuted, they said we fill a form in ( i would like to get the meeting minuted or at least more than capture what the centre thinks is important - i know the ex will utilise the opportunity to undermine / upstart / sound box - all to try and unsettle me.

Can anyone advise how to get through this joint meeting? i have not had any face to face with ex since we split - i avoid at all costs following previous advice in this forum.

what can i reasonably expect to be able to do in the contact centre. If i dont like a particular nappy cream for instance, can i use my own if i provide it? am i expected to provide nappies etc.

Should i be able to get clarification in writing the purpose of the contact. i.e to assess my parenting skill rather than bonding opportunity. i dont think the sessions are conducive to appropriate bonding and therefore in the sessions i may be considered cold or aloof , they will be stressful and i expect to be full of nerves,- pressumably there is no expectation for me to be " overly fatherly" to just make a point.


If the 4 contact sessions go well, what can i reasonably expect from the court. I am not keen on having supervised access, the only " concern" issued has been about parenting capability. if that is demonstrated to be sufficient, surly there would be no expectation for further contact at a contact center,

Has anyone had any experience of using contact centers for handover? if all goes well, and i push for independent contact and equal parenting. i know the ex will say she does not want to be part of any handover, citing unproven unreasonable behaviour- so what can i do in this instance. i dont have relatives living close by.


Any advice, as always very gratefully recieved

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advice for going forward 6 months 4 weeks ago #91801

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I'm afraid that I don't know much about the purpose of the cafcass meeting with both parents present - I can only imagine that it's to see if any possible agreement or common ground can be found, but that is speculation on my part.

I have used a contact centre way back in the past - initially supervised contact (I had residence, it was my ex that was supervised) and then supported, which was basically just a handover at start and finish of contact, but otherwise my ex was able to take my daughter into town during contact. The handover at the contact centre served to ensure we didn't come into contact, and also to make sure she was sober at the start and end of contact.

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advice for going forward 6 months 3 weeks ago #91866

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As we have previously said, you need to change your attitude and jump through the hoops. You might not like the court system (it's far from perfect, but it generally works) but they have processes to follow and you need to get on board with your final destination in mind. Attend every hearing so you know what is going on with your case & do what is asked of you, and you will find you reach the end of these proceedings more easily.

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DAD.info Moderator

I have several years experience supporting parents in family proceedings as a McKenzie Friend. I am, however, not a lawyer or barrister and my responses are based on my own opinions or experiences of the family court.

advice for going forward 6 months 3 weeks ago #91867

I absolutely agree and endorse, and this is the approach I think has to be taken by everyone, at the point in time since it is only ever the one system in play.

I do think though, there is( especially in these types of matters) it is incumbent on all those affected by the system and who consider the system wrong to debate and keep pressure on law makers to change the system.

This is how women voting, equal pay and all other equality based changes have been bought about.

I am presently researching toys and games for 6_12 month olds that are very good for holding an infants attention. So any ecpetiences or recommendations would be gratefully received.

Thanks all

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