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TOPIC: Giving up

Giving up 2 years 2 months ago #92884

Just going straight in... had so many problems with ex after we split (my choice so she did the usual and got non mol & prohibited steps, not seen the kids for almost 9 months) and it never seems to stop. Its relentless. Problems with her being ill so changed court date and me not told. Accusations lies lies and lies. Cafcass purely one sided and report so bad denied any contact but based on her lies and hear-say, no evidence or facts. Appointments sent that I couldn't keep due to work but when I phoned to change told someone would call back and they don't then they say I just didn't turn up. Referred for some domestic violence programme although there was no dv and its 61 miles from my home twice a week when I work shifts and its impossible to attend - again apparently I just didn't turn up even though I phoned. I've emailed cafcass and the court asking for help and been ignored. I've sent a letter to cafcass asking to change the day/time of appointment and sent it g'teed next day signed for, got tracking and signature but no reply!! Long story short as there is so much more I have finally got a copy of the police report which has literally nothing on it - says I attended voluntarily after a phone call from the ex and NFA due to lack of evidence but ex has managed to convince everyone that she had to call them out for all sorts and needed to move on their advice for her own safety - LIES. The report has one little thing on it that is laughable and I don't understand why the police even gave her the time of day.
I've seriously had enough. My work has suffered (she'll still want her money if I lose my job but seems hell bent on driving me mad) and I've been referred to OH. I've been to the GP as I can's sleep or eat due to stress. So much more but writing it down is hard.
If I walk away how do I do that? I mean in a practical sense not emotional how? Do I just not turn up for the next hearing? Do I write a position statement to court saying why? How do I actually say that for my own sanity I can't carry on? Will it follow me forever in that if I have any other children in the future will ss immediately be involved if I walk away now?
I can't do this anymore. Its never going to stop as even if I get to see the kids she'll make s==t up about what's gone on and so it'll continue. Shes a sly, devious, manipulative control freak who knows exactly how to work the system in her favour. She said when I told her I was leaving she'd make sure I was sorry. I'm not sorry I left the nutcase thats for sure. The kids are young and have probably forgotten me already.
I want out. What do I do to let everyone know?

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Last Edit: by Thistooshallpass.

Giving up 2 years 2 months ago #92886

"Shes a sly, devious, manipulative control freak"

That would be a primary reason NOT to give up. Leaving your children at her mercy would be criminal.

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Giving up 2 years 2 months ago #92889

But she's managed to convince everyone so far that I'm completely unfit and haven't even seen them supervised in a contact centre which I begged for in the interim. I've put in for interim contact and it's been refused. I literally have done nothing and cant fight the system that believes her lies anymore. Even if I did get to see them what would it be? An hour here and there when she has them the rest of the time, turning them against me and spinning her lies. Every time I think someone will actually look at the police report, will actually look at the evidence (I have a lot to prove she is lying), will actually listen to ME it goes the same way - HER way. I've been accused of things that have never happened and cafcass have decided that apparently I am a "threat as I wont admit to DA" (because there wasn't any) and so the kids shouldn't be allowed to see me, their Dad. Everything was ok until I said I didn't want to be in a relationship with the now ex, then she filed for orders and made allegations. Why can't anyone see at least the time line and realise she's lying? Anyway I'm awake again almost all night as never sleep now and just can't carry on. She'll make sure the kids hate me, make sure that if I DO see them that she'll make more allegations about what has supposed to have happened, make sure they don't want to come to me and so it will go on.

I seriously want to get off. I don't really know how I go about it. I think I'll just send a position statement in as I would for the next hearing, outlining my reasons and once again pointing out the evidence I have of her lies - this next one is the 4th hearing, although "hearing" is a joke as all they hear is her and her solicitor, I don't get a look in and they never even read or refer to any evidence I have presented or my statements. I can always change my name if social services or cafcass would immediately stick their noses into any future family I might have. I can't carry on fighting a system that is so biased, blinkered and unjust. I can't carry on fighting the spiteful scorned mental ex. I didn't realise at the time but the kids were lost to me the second I left their mum. They are in more danger of being mentally abused by her if I carry on. If I'm not in the picture she won't keep on at them about me.

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Giving up 2 years 2 months ago #92890

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Hi there

I'm sorry you're stuck in this nightmare, as you probably realise, we do have some members that have been through very similar scenarios... some stick it out, but we do have Dads that, like you, need to walk away for their own sanity...We don't judge.

As there's an ongoing court case, you can write to the court and tell them that after much soul searching you are going to withdraw from the case and not attend any further hearings. Explain briefly that as a Litigant In Person, you don't think that you've had a fair hearing, that none of your evidence has been considered and whilst the case continues, you feel that your children are suffering.

I wouldn't get personal or rant about the mother, as this will just feed into their assumptions about you.

That's it really...Social Services may try and interfere in the future, but only if you come into their spotlight again. I would have thought it will take you some time to get over this sufficiently enough to think about getting seriously involved again... but you will get over it. There are many Dads that have had to get on with their lives without seeing their kids... it hurts, but you're hurting anyway.

Once you've written the letter, the decision is made, you will feel relief and a lot of sadness, but you must do what you know is best for you and the kids

All the best

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DadTalk Moderator... I'm not legally trained and my responses are my own views based on my experiences of the family court. I have plenty of common sense and can offer you emotional support and guide you to answers.

Giving up 2 years 2 months ago #92958

keep going your kids will thank you in the long run for this
my son is going through the same his ex kept stopping access for the most stupid of reasons in the end he decided to go to court to get an order he did not qualify for legal aid and his ex to get legal aid went to court and lied about him assaulting her she got a non molestation order ,when he went to court to give his side and to contest the order the judge told him the order would not affect any proceedings he had with regard access to his children but my son would not accept he had done anything to his ex and is now fighting this through the courts to find out from the cafcass officer had he accepted he had been violent they would have to take this into account when doing their report
The process to get his access order takes for ever and is costing him a fortune and he does not earn a lot ,he has full PR but that has done him no good so far it has taken 6months and the solicitor bill keeps going up
Considering he is taking his ex to court the whole thing has turned against him, he gets very down with it all but as I say to him yes it is wrong what she is doing and allowed to do by the legal system but your children will thank you for fighting for them
The whole process needs looking at and these parents who use their children as weapons are disgusting
keep fighting for your children

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Giving up 2 years 2 months ago #92959

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Id say keep going!
My partner went 2 summers and 2 easters with no contact even with a child arrangement order in place and before that as of when the mum wanted him to have contact. She reported him for assualt and domestic violence etc and his actions had proven to speak louder than words; he sees his child with overnight stay although at the beginning he was only allowed 2 hours on 1 day in 2 weeks at an agreed location where the mum was present and refused to have either of them out of her sight and intervened whenever she felt.

It feels a right struggle but actions are louder than words so those single hours here and there make sure you have fun and bond with the kids and hopefully your actions will show you can have an interim order in the near future - at the end of the day the courts dont want to push the children into interim contact without full knowledge so the easy option is to say you have to do single hours to build it up and prove your not this violent person! (although i dont agree with this)
Having said that, it does get all too much at times, i mean my partner can hardly speak about it which is why im on here on his behalf and to support him so you have us and others to speak to - and if you still want to walk away no one is judging, just be sure before you make that decision
All the best

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Giving up 2 years 2 months ago #92964

At next hearing i'd be asking for a Finding of Fact if you can prove all her allegations to be lies!

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i'm not legally trained....i'm just a Dad going through hell to see his child grow up and become a decent man and human being.....my goal is simple...to be the father to my child like my father is to me...my hero.

Started this battle 2010.....who knows when the fighting will stop!

Parental Alienation is real and is abuse!

Giving up 2 years 2 months ago #92974

Do what you have to do for your own sanity. My ex partner has fought for 4 years. He’s lost his job, his home, me (his choice though), he’s in debt, has mental health issues caused by this case, his life is miserable and he’s still not got any contact. He loves his children dearly but like you feels that he’s putting them through too much when ultimately his ex will always have custody and will keep trying to turn them against him. Four years ago I would have said fight on but the system sucks, even when a court finds that the mother is an alienator nothing is done. Cafcass are biased and ineffective, the legal aid system means innocent men are being given non molestation orders left right and centre. If the mother is determined enough, she doesn’t even need to be that clever, she can play the system like a pro.

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Giving up 2 years 2 months ago #92975

I can vouch for that Harli. I just watched the following video -

It's called "Stop the war on dads"

Before my ordeal started I would have looked at a video like this and just thought, ah it's someone with an axe to grind. But now I've seen the truth. I've seen outright lies by cafcass and the barristers that represent them. Evidence completely ignored or used against the father. The tactics employed by the court system are subtle - and without legal aid or a solicitor you don't even realise what's going on. I've even presented irrefutable evidence in court only to have exactly the opposite said by a judge despite the fact that he can see the evidence in front of his very eyes.

What Harli is trying to say I think is, you're not alone. So many of us are going through hell because of the policies and practices set up by our governments and the courts. I think ultimately it boils down to fuelling an industry where there is a lot of money to be made.

For every person that gives up and walks away, that's one less person who will stand up to what's going on. More father's relationships with their children destroyed. In the past two and a half years I've been a member of DadInfo and I hardly ever see a father saying that he's won his battle. Of those that do, even a smaller percentage win shared access or complete residency.

I saw my children recently and they were both saying things like "play with me", "no, play with me". They get so little time with me but I try to make the most of what time we do get together and to have fun with them. It breaks my heart and for that reason I will keep fighting. I know everyone's situation is different. Some dad's get more time, some less, some none at all with their children.

Keep going if you can find the strength. If you can't then noone here is judging you because we all know what you're going through.

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Giving up 2 years 2 months ago #92977

Hi There,

My advice is to fight on for as long as you can, only give up when you have tried all you can to get where you want to be, at least that way when you are having a bad day and missing your kids, you know you did all you could.

I talk from experience I had a battle with my ex, and it resulted in me stopping seeing my son, I went 5 years with no contact, my view was always that I hoped that when he was old enough to make his own decisions we would make up for lost time.

I have recently started seeing him again, for me it has worked, but you have to keep in mind that it may result in never having contact with your children.

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Giving up 2 years 2 months ago #92986

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Taking a longer view, my daughters didn't see my ex for 9 years (they really didn't want to, because of the way she treated them), but my ex arranged to meet them recently, so my daughters agreed and went to see her. As it happened, my ex blew it as she turned up late and drunk and gave a blatantly untrue excuse, so they now don't want anything to do with her - however the point I am making is that even after so long, kids are still prepared to give the non-resident parent another chance, so it's always worth not giving up.

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Giving up 2 years 2 months ago #93000

I agree 100% with ACTD,

If you do decide to give up, don't think of it as giving up, more of taking a break from a situation that you feel you can't be in anymore.

And when and if in the future you do see your children, don't focus too much on what happened to get you to the point of not seeing them, and don't spend the time telling them how bad their mother was during it all.

But talk to them about why you stopped, and focus around that, as in, for their own good as what was happening wasn't a good situation for them to be in being pulled between you and your ex.

When I saw my son for the first time, he didn't really know the reason that I had stopped seeing him, I didn't talk about his mum and how she was I just spoke about how difficult it was for him to be in the middle of what was going on.

My ex read him the letter I had sent her....well from the sounds of it a version she wanted him to hear, and all he thought was that I didn't want to see him any more, he had no idea why even though in the letter I spoke about it being for him and so that he wasn't be pulled all over the place and being caught in the middle.


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