TOPIC: Is this reality...

Is this reality... 9 months 1 week ago #93620

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I've heard from the Sargent this morning, he basically told me that I know enough about the offender from the article.. He said that's he's a father and he wouldn't want his children around such a man as well. He personally went to my wife and told her to keep away from him. I feel like it's just the tip of the iceberg and a police document would have been devastating in court.

I have an interim hearing on the c100 and steps order next week. I decided to fork out 600 for a soclistor, I don't want to risk a mental black out from anxiety

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Is this reality... 9 months 1 week ago #93623

Focus on contact, once you get that moving it's a win win situation.

I spent years going out of my mind. I came up against literally hundreds of professionals who didn't appear to be doing their jobs correctly - this unfortunately is just how it is. If you can always manage to keep the focus on the children and their needs you should be able to chip away at this mess bit by bit and get to where you want to be.

You say you had a happy three years with this woman. I was exactly the same, a perfect relationship where I felt happy and secure and thought she was the nicest person I had ever met.....

The thing is, some people put on a mask - my ex certainly did. When the mask slips, they reveal their true self to you. It's a shock. It leaves you wondering what's real and what's not.

My first port of call when my ex left was a mens charity. They told me they thought I was suffering from narcissistic abuse. I thought that was rubbish. Then another counsellor said the same to me a few days later. Again I couldn't believe it. A few weeks later a qualified mental health nurse told me the same in an assessment. I decided to look into it. Still couldn't accept it. As time went on and more and more people said the same thing to me (all were either counsellors or mental health practitioners) I began to be a little more open to the possibility that this was the truth.

Now, I look back and can clearly identify narcissistic traits in the ex. In fact we met recently for the first time in years and she was the same - swearing that black is white and white is black.....

When most families split, it isn't nice but the parents somehow manage to reach their own agreements for the good of the children. What I've seen in family court in my own case and others I've helped with is that many of the cases that end up in court are a result of one side of the relationship displaying narcissistic behaviour.

There is a mass of information online from people like Richard Grannon and Sam Vaknin that you may find interesting. Once you know what you are dealing with, you can be more effective in overcoming what they have done to you and what they will continue to try to do to you. Be careful of the armchair psychiatrists online and the people who have an axe to grind - by that I mean don't believe everything you read BUT when somebody changes - as my ex did - as your ex did - with no good reason and then begin to target their former partner, there is usually an underlying mental health issue.

You'll get nowhere walking into a courtroom saying that you believe somebody is a narcissist but you will be able to guide the court into reaching a fair conclusion if you work at it.

Given the situation regarding your children and this sex offender, I would have thought you should be talking to social services now rather than the police. Ask them questions, ask they how they will protect your children. Don't try to force anything with them, let them do their job and if they don't do it, complain!
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Is this reality... 9 months 1 week ago #93625

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I've been doing some research and it seems my wife has some type of borderline personality disorder. She was abandoned by her father and neglected by mother with a questionable job. Her personality was mirroring my every interest and hobby I had. We got on like a house on fire. She was extremely caring, it even felt like too much at times, nothing was too much. She was always massaging my ego, made me feel like a new man.

I've gone from shy zero to feeling like the luckiest man in the world with a dream wife and two beautiful sons to abandoned in the cold, being painted as literally Hitler and having my life destoryed from the inside out, in under 5 years.

As for the SS after my arrest and they became involved I was flagging up the other man like crazy, because I happen to suffer from OCD (which has no bearing on my rational thinking) they just wrote it off as an obsession! And my wife was happy to pump it. After 100+ hours digging on him I find evidence and shown the SS, how their tuned changed. First they told my wife to keep away from him while they investigate, but she trickled truth them saying she only speaks to him a couple of times a week on the phone (Russian translation: I see him a few times a week)

Yesterday the SS answered my 2000 word formal complaint and it seems I'm finally getting some respect. I listed how they mentally discriminated against me, failed to safeguard my children, treated me as already convicted, when I'm now cleared of allegations, how I been vindicated about the sex offender, how they presented his view about me as fact and gave my wife one to one meetings for her false allegations in the single assentment, whereas I had only a 3 vs 1 meeting assuming my guilt when I'm an introvert unable to defend myself under pressure.
They going to get a new social worker for a one to one with me and write up a new single assentment. They put the children in my wife's care on safeguarding team 3 (whatever that is?) They said my wife said she won't let other man see children (suspected trickle truth, nothing about herself and she has no one to babysit)

I just wish I knew what her end game is, what does she expect to gain destroying her children's father and spending the family money on my lawyers swimming pool... the children will grow up broken and complexed like her if she wins. The dirty old sex offender is married and has a son, so it's not like she's going to get a pay day when he pops his cogs.

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Last Edit: by Marco.

Is this reality... 9 months 1 week ago #93626

Don't try to fathom her. Just focus on your children and yourself.

You can never control what the other parent does / thinks - even when you know they are harming themselves or your children.

Safeguarding Team 3 will just be exactly that - team 3 in your local authorities children services. Once you have a good social worker, treat them with respect and be friendly. Social Services can be a shower of SH** at times but like every profession, there are good and bad professionals. Get a good one and you are laughing. Things shouldn't be that way but they are....

One thing you may find SS do is initiate their own proceedings if this mother continues to have a relationship with a sex offender. Be ready for that.

Oh by the way, the mirroring you mentioned - I had that too - she knew how to make herself "perfect" to me and she did it. She's now doing it to another bloke. Not one of her relationships has ever lasted more than four to five years - she's broken and dysfunctional. I suspect yours is the same. Try to let go of her and what she did to you - that dream inside of being a family really is dead now. Going back would be dangerous.

Stay focused, strong and aware. You'll get the best outcome that way.

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Is this reality... 9 months 1 week ago #93632

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I'm trying but my analytical brain wants answers, had no closure and can't see her end game.

I really hope to get a good social worker this time to keep the momentum up.

From what I read it seems a common theme for BPD girls to mirror because they have a broken sense of self from childhood and they take yours, then use that closeness to control and destroy you.

I don't think I can ever let go of her, she's devastated me for life. We been through so much together, such unique acts of love and experiences that could never be matched. For example when I was in Russia with her trying to get her spouse visa, she was in 2nd trimester with a complicated pregnancy, her first application got rejected, my Russian exit visa was about to expire, I didn't want to leave her there, so I overstayed. About 4 weeks before her due date she got her spouse visa. So we tried to sneak out of Russia by getting a train to Finland, not the best idea! I got caught and sent to court 2 weeks later, terrorifing, little metal cage there in front of judge. I pleaded my case via a translater saying it was an act of passion overstaying. I could have faced years in prison, my punishment? A £50 fine and an exit visa! :)
By this time my wife was massive 2 weeks before due date, I dressed her up so she looked like a land whale and it worked we got on the plane and left for good olde England, to live happily ever after...

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Last Edit: by Marco.

Is this reality... 9 months 1 week ago #93634

If you are right about her having a personality disorder none of it was real was it?

PD's are rooted in childhood trauma (mostly) although can also be created / triggered by trauma in adult life.

I have no closure either and no sign of an end game. I too am analytical.....you will get to a place where this is all water under the bridge. I can promise you.

They don't change and the minute you realise they are "ill", you should immediately concern yourself with protecting your children from them by way of a court order as much in your favour as is possible.

It's that simple.

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Is this reality... 9 months 6 days ago #93639

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Justdad...Thanks for your advice to Marco, it's absolutely spot on, to succeed it's important to separate from the emotional side of things and place yourself outside of the hurt. It's difficult I know, because everything is personal, but if you can manage to step outside of that, you will begin to cope better.

She's damaged, your role is to protect your children from the poor decisions she makes and will probably continue to make... don't make it easy for her by allowing your emotions to overtake you. To the outside world you must always present as calm, reasonable, and totally child focused, regardless of the turmoil inside.

Talking about it does help, as does knowing that others have and are going through much the same things too. Already I can see that you're settling into a better mind set, it's tough but you'll get there.

All the best

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DadTalk Moderator...

I'm not a lawyer or barrister and my responses are based on my own opinions or experiences of the family court.

I may not be legally trained... but I have plenty of experience and common sense!

Is this reality... 9 months 6 days ago #93646

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I have a c1a hearing next week as well, for her injuries she caused my face, stomach and wrist, I submitted photos to my lawyer. What do you think will come of it? I feel so conflicted it's driving me nuts, the good she won't be able to present herself as the sweet little size 4 angel against a big oaf like me

I'm dreading if she will turn up, I don't have a poker face at all and will be cycling through all the emotions

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Is this reality... 9 months 6 days ago #93652

Don't worry too much about the crying. I cried through every hearing for months. I think somehow it showed the judge that I was human and that I was under attack. I'm not saying milk your emotions, I'm just saying allow yourself to be human.

If you have evidence of her harming you then you have evidence of DV which is useful if taken seriously.

Try not to worry too much with these hearings, focus on getting through them and telling the truth. Ideally if you do that, the details should begin to drop into place for the Court and that will help with your outcome.

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Is this reality... 9 months 6 days ago #93662

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Perhaps you can request that you wait in a separate waiting area at court, give the court a call and see what can be arranged... it might help with the nerves if you take someone with you for moral support.

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DadTalk Moderator...

I'm not a lawyer or barrister and my responses are based on my own opinions or experiences of the family court.

I may not be legally trained... but I have plenty of experience and common sense!

Last Edit: by Mojo.

Is this reality... 9 months 4 days ago #93683

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Therein lies the rub, I got no one for moral support, she was my everything and now the destroyer of everything, the swing is torturous.

I do not even know how to present myself around her, blank her, strong eye contact feigning confidence or attempt to ask her about the children.

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Last Edit: by Marco.

Is this reality... 9 months 4 days ago #93684

Blank her.

I used to call The Samaritans often - at least nightly for a few months. I'd tell them my story and ask if I was making sense - because it all seemed so bizarre and unbelievable to me. Some would answer and some would say "we can't give advice". But they listened and they allowed me to work through the problem in my mind.

You are never alone. Ever.

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