TOPIC: Need advice or just someone else's look at something.

Need advice or just someone else's look at something. 3 months 3 weeks ago #96395

I'll try and keep this brief as possible but as we know with family matters things are never straight forward.

Been with my with my wife for 21 years, married for 9. She hasn't worked for 20 years due to ill health with M.E and then mental health issues.

I've worked and supported her throughout, sometimes both a full time job and an extra part-time on top.

Kids 1 B age 12, 1 G age 8.

Wife has a history of Post Natal Depression and sadly 3 counts of violence towards daughter. Each event record and social services informed. I did all I could to support her and keep the family together.

The last time she did it the Police got involved but decide not to press charges. She then attempted an overdose and I kicked her out the house. She stayed with her parents but after 6 weeks or so I had her back with her promising to change her baviourer etc....This was around 3 years ago and slowly but surely she's back to her old ways, sleeping all the time, smoking pot, no motavtion for life etc....

For the past 6 years or so wife had struggled with the children, she didn't like the mess, she sleeps all day, doesn't cook the dinner. I'm doing most of the housework, cooking, pretty much all of it apart from the laundry.

I have issues with work around 18 months ago and have to take a massive drop in income. I also work out that with working tax credits the family is only 30 quid a week worse off and I only have to work 3 days a week. That way I figure I can stay at home and do more around the house, help with the chidlren etc....This was ok at first but it meant that she was forced to pay our joint mortage as she was receving far more in benefits then I was in wages, we've never had joint bank accounts.

Out of the blue, she decides that I'm a crap husband and that she wants me out. We carry on living together.

Divorce petition arrives at the door 20th Dec, Merry Christmas me!

I refuse to leave the house as I'm worried that she won't cope with the kids and harm them again.

I put in paperwork to court for custody. We've been to court twice but as we are still living together Cafcass can't access us.

I threaten her with more legal proceedings that other night but I didn't go into details. Now all of a sudden she finally wants to sell the house and go our separate ways. She's been dead against sell "the children's home" up until now,

Is she running scared?

Any advice please. I have very little money as it's all tied into the house.

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Need advice or just someone else's look at something. 3 months 3 weeks ago #96403

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Your options are fairly limited because of the possible risks to your children, with the documented harm she has done to your daughter, I would hope that the courts would award you residence.

Has the court case concluded? It might be that she is hoping to get something out of it, ifyoure awarded custody of the children, you could apply for an occupation order and stay on in the house. Could you afford to take up the mortgage in that situation? If not it might be better to cut your losses and sell up... as long as you agree who the children will stay with and work out some form of contact so that the relationship with her is maintained.
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I'm not a lawyer or barrister and my responses are based on my own opinions or experiences of the family court.

I may not be legally trained... but I have plenty of experience and common sense!

Need advice or just someone else's look at something. 3 months 3 weeks ago #96405

Thank you for the reply, we are back in court in March.

As it stands she seems to think that somehow the divorce is going ahead and I'll be evicted from my own home within 6 weeks.

Nothing has changed for the court to make up their minds as Cafcass haven't assessed us and can't as we're still living together.

Wife seems to think that once we sell and go our separate ways she'll take the kids with her. Again, with her past and her mental health issues, I won't allow that as she'll last about 5 days before losing the plot somehow. She suffers from Emotionally Unstable Personality Disorder.

I'm in the process of applying for legal aid as she also abused me, although very little proof of this but she has admitted this fact to her solicitor. My solicitor thinks that a non-molestation order and occupancy order is the way forward as well speak. But he is unaware of her change of view on selling the house.

Should I stand firm in the family home and still apply for occupancy order?

Then if I win residence order then sell the house?

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Need advice or just someone else's look at something. 3 months 3 weeks ago #96408

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I think for the sake of the children you need to stand firm and try and maintain stability for them.

Have you spoken to Social Services? Perhaps you could suggest to your solicitor to make a C2 application for urgent new directions, in light of recent developments... perhaps ask the court if the task of preparing a report could be given to social services as they have had involvement with your family....either that or a C2 application to add further applications to your existing proceedings, for an NMO, occupancy and a Prohibited Steps Order to prevent her from removing the children.

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Need advice or just someone else's look at something. 3 months 3 weeks ago #96411

It's her change in stance or tactics that I'm so confused about, she was adamant the other day that the divorce is going ahead and I'll be evicted by bailiffs.

Then I let slip that I've put a few things in motion and all of a sudden she's like, well maybe we can sell the house and be amicable about all this. Was she bluffing? What can she do against me? I've a 200 page document from Social Services saying that I've behaved in an adult and suitable manner throughout all the issues we've had.

I'll look into a C2, never heard of it before. There must also be a reason why she put the paperwork in on 20th Dec too.

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Need advice or just someone else's look at something. 3 months 3 weeks ago #96416

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That's awful, you sound like a good guy, she's evil unappreciative excuse of a human.
Do what ever it takes to keep the kids. Whatever money she gets from the house sale it won't last she'll be on her ass in the gutter were she belongs. Money isn't everything get the toxic woman out of your lives. Be strong and don't have any sympathy.
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Need advice or just someone else's look at something. 3 months 3 weeks ago #96418

Thank you, money to her is everything, we've been brought up in totally different ways. her mum n dad just threw money at her, while I was raised by a single mother on benefits. But that single mother knew how to mother and was hands-on and a Blur Peter Mother, we made things and a did things.

So as you can imagine our own parenting styles are somewhat different. Hopefully, Carcass can see which parent is better for the children in the long run.

She still moans that she has no money, yet smokes, has her hair done once a month and uses a sunbed at least twice a week!

She spent all of 30 quid on the kids Christmas present while I bought the rest.

She is horrible and I can't wait for this to be over but I need the correct result which means playing by the rules. The trouble is I'm new to the game and don't know what the rules are!

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Need advice or just someone else's look at something. 3 months 3 weeks ago #96421

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No rules, do what you think is right. Don't blindly do everything your solicitor says.

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Need advice or just someone else's look at something. 3 months 3 weeks ago #96422

You mean to say that my solicitor may think of his own interest at £200 an hour? :woohoo:

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Need advice or just someone else's look at something. 3 months 3 weeks ago #96423

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Try not to second guess what she is up to, just concentrate on your case and what you need to do.

As your not back in court until March, and there have been recent developments, I would speak to your solicitor about getting an urgent return to court for new directions, a Prohibited Steps Order (PSO) and occupation order. Not sure about the validity of the NMO as you’re still under the same roof, but if you have confidence in your solicitor be guided by them.

The other option would be to remove yourself and your children from the property and apply for an emergency PSO on the grounds that she is planning to take the children with her and an Occupation Order to remove her from the property and get back in.

I don’t know a great deal about the divorce side of things, but it could be that she thinks she can get you out and keep hold of the children, keeping the divorce proceedings and the residency proceedings separate.

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Need advice or just someone else's look at something. 3 months 3 weeks ago #96439

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From my experience and others I've spoken to we listen to the solicitor and don't question them or follow our gut feelings, and get walked over. I spent around £18000 on solicitors and barristers biggest waste of money ever.
I don't know about divorce solicitors though.

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Need advice or just someone else's look at something. 3 months 3 weeks ago #96457

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Hi losingmymarbles,

I'm sorry to hear about your plight.

Your wife has realised (or been advised by a solicitor) of the causal connection between residency of your children and ownership of the vast majority of the estate (I'm guessing that is mostly equity in your house). Whoever wins residency keeps the estate, whoever loses pays for it.

Aside from your plight (and I sympathise) this is an interesting case. On one side there is a violent and abusive drug taking mother who does not work and lives on benefits, on the other there is a hard working dad who has tried to hold everything together. The logical solution would be to have the hard working dad be the resident parent and so make sure the kids had the best life they could, and to throw the violent, abusive junkie out on the streets. That is not the way society works though, there is huge bias towards women when it comes to residency, so unless you are able to prove your wife is still violent, abusive or abuses drugs the kids will end up with her and you will pay the bills. I do so hope I'm wrong, but I have a feeling I will not be, which is so sad (but common).

The best thing for you to do now would be to pursue an amicable split in your estate and residency of the kids with your wife (you mentioned she sometimes talks of that). If you don't and she pursues a divorce (probably using unreasonable behavior as grounds) then you will soon be accused of domestic violence (this will be so she gets free legal aid), leading to you being moved out of the house, so expect a bumpy ride.

Whatever you do, don't move out of the house (unless you are legally evicted), otherwise you will certainly lose most of your estate, and probably access to your children.

Good fortune.
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