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Help and Guidance Needed 3 months 2 weeks ago #99930

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Hi all,

I am finding this forum so useful. Thanks to all those that have shred their advice and stories.

So I have been married for 16 years. We separated 8 months ago. I am and always have been a very hands on and domesticated father to my 12 year old daughter and 7 year old son. People know this too and I am proud of the love, time and effort I have put into bringing them up.

Now, I we drifted apart a few years prior to the separation and accept my ex's decision. What I cannot deal with is the way she has gone about it. She has moved back into the family home which we jointly own, which is a place that means so much to me as it was a renovation project and I have so many found memories with the children and family there. She has stated it is not my house and I have no access. She has all the savings in her name and I am left with living month on month financially.

I have rented a three bedroom flat next to the children's schools which is costing a fortune. I did this so they had bedrooms whilst they were with me and to give them some normality. I know she is close to a male colleague at work and suspect that he has an influence on her hatred and brutality towards me an. Its all been very tough.

She says she want a divorce but still likes me. We just didn't work and she doesn't love me any more. I accept that but my children are my world as am I to them. I see no reason why we cannot share the parenting role 50/50 but she does not want that and believes they need a permanent base. I simply cannot accept that as I refuse to be a part time dad.

Now I have had a not so good past, and she is bringing up incidents from 12 years ago which I fear she will use against me. I feel that this is not right as that's exactly what it was, the past. I have a good job, have been a great committed father and I'm a good hearted person so my children should still have me in their lives as a healthy role model.

I have asked for mediation primarily with family or friends and a routine since February but we still do not have one. The children are with me every Wednesday and then one or two nights on the weekend but it is fairly sporadic. I do feel that routine is key. We still see each other but I suspect more is going on and simply just want to heal, move on and get a fixed routine with the children.

We had a talk a few weeks back, and I suggested we let certain landmark occasions like our sons birthday, our anniversary, her birthday get out of the way and then we can look to bring in a mediator as we are locking heads on a routine.

Its all fairly new to me. I care for her deeply and have supported her through the last 8 months by being amicable and showing love, support. I also pay £350 a month towards childcare. I have tried to do my best but the fear of not being a fundamental part of my children's lives is really daunting.

I would love nothing more for our family unit to be back together but really do not see that happening. It just feels very one sided at the moment and I dont want to come across as a bad guy but I know certain things will need to happen.

Any advice is really appreciated as this is a very tricky and difficult journey.

Thanks all.

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Help and Guidance Needed 3 months 2 weeks ago #99931

hi,

I do not understand the part about the house. You both jointly own it, but you moved out and now renting a place and putting yourself into hardship. If you want justice then you would have to start divorce proceedings, and aim to split value of the house 50/50 and part ways. other dads on here have gone through this kind of thing so they can give you much better advice than me.

also there is issue of contact with your children. you mentioned that it has been sporadic. Sporadic was the same reason I went to court to have Child arrangements put into place. You should seriously consider your legal options here.
The following user(s) said Thank You: Makie

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Help and Guidance Needed 3 months 2 weeks ago #99937

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Thanks for the advice. I do need to push for a better way of dealing with this. Just know it is going to get messy. Once the mediator is involved then its going to have to go legal. Thanks.

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Help and Guidance Needed 3 months 1 week ago #99949

makie,

one thing I would suggest, is that when it comes to legal route, make sure you sort childrens arrangement out first. that way the ex can not blackmail you later, by saying you cant see kids unless you sort house/finances out first.

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Help and Guidance Needed 3 months 1 week ago #99956

Have to agree with above and get the child arrangements sorted first .... i have been on the end of blackmail treatment regarding housesplit and its a struggle.
Get a solictor involved and get a relaistic regime sorted out asap.

My biggest piece of advice would be to remove emotion and the sentiment of 'she ok i've known her for 16 years' .... be clinical and black and white in everything and get your ducks in a row first.

I for one didnt and i've lost out on time with my girls, house sale monies, and CSM payments all because i was rose tinted that we could work through it as friends. Being prepared never hurt anyone.

best of luck

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Help and Guidance Needed 3 months 1 week ago #99957

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Thanks Bill. Thats the plan. Mediate to get the child arrangements in place and then take it from their. I have put far too my time into my children then become a ad-hoc parent. Thank you.

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Help and Guidance Needed 3 months 1 week ago #99959

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Thanks so much BananaDad. I've just tried to be a nice guy for the sake of the children and for the sake of her. * months in though now and I will have to take the bull by the horns and get the routine and child arrangements finalized. Its hard to get away from the emotion when you have known and loved someone for so long. Thank you.

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Help and Guidance Needed 3 months 1 week ago #99960

Do not under estimate her once she sees finances and contact are related! you need to become and be able to prove you are "squeaky clean"..so avoid confrontations where you cannot prove your version of events.

Anything to do with the kids contact and later the financial side get it put in writing between you...emails / letters / texts....save them all you may need them to use as evidence later.
don't slag her off or be aggressive/confrontational....she could and may be advised to play the "victim card" that so many here are being put through for no other reason than spite and greed!
Remember the less you have the kids the more maintenance she will be after! hence why sorting child contact first has been advised by the others here!
get any agreement in writing, if in front of the mediator ask to have it put in to a legal agreement (at court) to protect your contact agreements

If you haven't already, start making a diary of any events or disturbances between you and your ex, do it in a written diary format, as soon after the event, this will be useful for you going forwards if you need to rely on something that happened but have no other evidence.

keep records of everything...

This forum is a great source of help and support, if you want to speak face to face with someone then i'd recommend finding a local Families Need Fathers group...check out the FnF website for locations near you and pop along to speak with other members...always good to find others in similar situations who can give advice through experiences they've been through.

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Dad-i-d

i'm not legally trained....i'm just a Dad going through hell to see his child grow up and become a decent man and human being.....my goal is simple...to be the father to my child like my father is to me...my hero.

Started this battle 2010.....who knows when the fighting will stop!

Parental Alienation is real and is abuse!

Help and Guidance Needed 3 months 1 week ago #99961

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Thanks Dad-i-d. Thats really helpful advice. Things have got quite emotional over the past 8 months and I do suspect things will be used against me but I will stand my ground. I only got emotional after finding out something in regards to another man which she denies.

I sense a hard journey ahead.....

Thank you.

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Help and Guidance Needed 3 months 6 days ago #100100

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I agree totally with dad-i-dad - you need to be squeaky clean. Assume anything you do or say will be put before a judge, and question whether it would count against you if it was, if it would, then don't do it, or change how you say it.

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